Lighting the Christmas Tree (On Fire) A comedy article
by Brad Poynter 35,646 48 12/19/2011 11:09 PM 1373 views
Several weeks ago, I was lamenting that I couldn't think of any destructive experiments for Christmas. I had already proven that fruitcake could stop a bullet, and I wasn't really interested in debunking that whole "Santa Claus is bulletproof" theory, so I was stumped.
As if reading my mind, my wife said, "Hey, you know how they have the annual lighting of the Christmas tree in Times Square? What if you got a tree, put candles and stuff on it, then had a real lighting of the tree?"
I was stunned. In the past, my wife has always kept her distance from my experiments, simply giving me that look that says, "Why didn't you tell me you were insane before we got married?" This time, she was adding fuel to the forest fire. I was impressed.
Of course, mere candles alone were not going to be pyromanicial enough for one of my groundbreaking experiments, so I began to plan the best way to achieve the Lighting of the Christmas Tree, Poynter-Style.
The Planning
I wanted this tree to flame like a thousand queens, so I dipped into some past experiments for a little inspiration. I still had twenty feet of magnesium strip, and I liked the way it threw off sparks brighter than Liberace's jewels.
I also remembered the match roll that helped me blow up my microwave, figuring a matchstick garland would be appropriate for this festive blaze. For the star on top of the tree, I would get some road flares from my local auto parts store and tape them together. And I would use my trusty torch to set it all off.
"Sorry Jesus, the store didn't have 2000 candles"
As for a tree, well, this is Arkansas, and I do live out in the woods. I think I have that part handled.
Preparation
With the plan in place, it was time to start stringing candles, and let me tell you, it sounds a whole lot easier than it is. The first few candles were a mess of stuck fingers, wax fragments, and string sticking through bare wicks, so I knew I had to figure out a better way to do the next two hundred.
"More difficult than you'd think."
I warmed up a pot of water on the stove and dipped the ends into the hot water to soften up the wax. That did the trick, and a short time later all the candles were strung out like a fruitcake junkie in a diabetic ward.
"Does not taste like peppermint"
The matches were much easier to manage, and since they were safety matches, I let my kids help. After getting all 750 matches stuck to the tape, I was once again barely able to resist the urge to wear the thing like a bandolier.
"Aww! Look at all the little Rudolph noses!"
Finally, I took the four road flares and taped them into a festive holiday star, reminiscent of the star that guided the three Magi, had it been made of burning potassium nitrate.
"We three kings of Orient are / Lit this fuse we found in our car"
Feeling like a redneck Charlie Brown, I picked out a small tree, then set it in a cinder block for support. I found a length of pipe, drove it a foot into the ground, then tied the tree to it with some old wire.
"My tree smoking pipe"
I carefully hung the garlands as best I could, and threw a few shiny balls on it, for good measure.
This is why I am not allowed to help decorate the tree any more.
Then I taped the star to the top of the pipe and trimmed the tree with highly flammable magnesium strip.
"Hmm ... is that enough magnesium?"
Finally, it was time to light the tree!
Worst. Decorations. Ever
The Tree Lighting
I fired up the torch, then started lighting anything I could reach without setting my eyebrows ablaze.
Once I lit the star, everything started happening at once. In hindsight, I probably should have used nonflammable wire to lash the star onto the pole, but this was as much a learning experience as it was a festive holiday tradition.
"It's ... BEAUTIFUL!"
The red light of the flares and the brilliantly white light of the magnesium were reminiscent of the arrival of the angel Gabriel, had he been screaming for someone to extinguish his burning robes. Truly, it was as if the spirit of Christmas had arrived at that moment ... on an express bus from Hell.
"Silent night ... burning night"
Conclusion
As always, I learned several important lessons from this endeavor. I learned that Santa hats are extremely flammable. I found that magnesium doesn't make the best fuse. But most importantly, I discovered the best way to bring the family together for Christmas is to let the kids play with matches.
The funny Christmas tree you made is nice and I agree on your idea it was freakingly great and funny and I think it is good to do that thing every Christmas eve with the whole family.
There has to be a part two to this, Brad. There really is no need for accelerants on a Christmas tree cut in early November and kept in a heated living room for a month and a half, watering or no watering.
Try again on New Years eve (after dark) with nothing but a tree, still in it's stand, and a tossed match. Get video this time.
Nuff said.
p.s. enjoyed the festiveness involved here though. Especially the festivus pole.
Why wait for next Christmas, Brad. Round up some local pagans and fire up another one for WINTER SOLSTICE tomorrow night (December 21st)!!!!!!!!!Make sure you include some naked dancing (just give your neighbors some moonshine it's still balmy in Arkansas I believe) and it'll be wicked festive!
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