Children writing letters to Santa Claus is a tradition as timeless as Christmas itself. Or at least that sounds good enough to be an opening line for this piece.
For some reason, I never got around to writing Mr. C when I was young. So when I heard that Santa's helpers in Canada (a.k.a. the Canadian Post Office) were writing letters back to every young boy and girl who wrote him, I had to pounce on the opportunity. Of course now as a sick perverted old man, I was less interested in receiving schmaltzy gifts than I was about how that fat jolly old elf would handle some "special" letters from kids who fell out of their cribs one too many times.
Santa Freud.
So I wrote three separate letters to Santa posing as three separate kids -- Kyle, Jacob and Amber -- each with their own disturbing issues. I recently got the replies, and shocker of shockers: Santa's sending out form letters!
The Letters
Dear Santa,
Christmas is almost here and I'm so excited I could stab a kitten! Just kiddin. I know that would put me on your naughty list, and I've been reeeeeeally good all year. Last week I got a C+ on my math test, and mom says my room has been very clean. But what if I did stab a cat? Would I still get my presents? I'm not saying I stabbed Chuckles the neighbors cat, but IF I did, and he didn't die, just limps a lot and meows really loud when I walk past him, IF that did happen, would I still be able to get Modern Warfare 3? Gotta go, we're having Manwiches tonight!!
Your good kid, Kyle
Dear santa,
Are u real? I need to know if u are real. My friends say u are fake, but my mommy says u are reel. She also says my daddy is reel, but I have never seen him. Mommy says he likes diffrent boobies too much and that is why he isn't here. Heres what I want for xmas: transformers. Nerf vortrex nytron. Legos all types. My mommy says you wont bring any of that this year becuz she needs to get new boobies. I dont think I like boobies. They make me sad in many ways.
Jacob
Dear Santa,
I love u so much. You are so much better than the easter bunny, who I hate. I hate mashmellow peeps! I hate easter and I hate when people talk about the easter bunny and not you. How can we make more people like you? Should I kill the easter bunny? I will kill the easter bunny.
Ok. done.
Your #1 fan, Amber
Santa's Reply
After weeks of eagerly checking my mailbox, Santa finally wrote me back!
That's cute and all for the kids, but what's alarming is that Santa found these letters "fantastic." What the? Any reasonable person would've called Social Services over these manic missives.
I guess the lesson here is that if you're a child with severe emotional issues and you're offering a cry for help to Santa Claus, he's gonna be too busy watching gum ball hockey to notice. Here's your form letter, brat, now let me watch this face-off! Merry Christmas!
|
|
Store
362 
4 
95,607 
36
