Jingle Hell: Eleven Minutes Trapped With a Truly Awful Santa
A comedy article
by Johnny Plankton  3,948  26
12/22/2011 11:55 PM 2167 views
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One of the problems with dressing up like Santa Claus is that people often have a negative preconception about the kind of people who dress like Santa Claus -- and with good reason. Two images usually spring to mind: "Child-Molesting Santa" or "Alcoholic Santa." Before the economy got so bad that "Circus Freak" became a good job, nobody actually wanted to be a dress-up Santa (Santavestite?) unless they were drunks, or liked kids a little too much.
So knowing that most adults usually run from dress-up Santas, I decided I needed the proper venue to spread my special brand of holiday cheer in Santa drag (Santavestite?). Luckily, we have something in Boston known as The MBTA Express Bus, or as I like to call it, The Crappy Christmas Present Dungeon of Fun.
The Hermetically Sealed Christmas Fun House
Once commuters leave the last bus stop, there's no getting off for a full eleven minutes, as the bus travels non-stop on the Massachusetts Turnpike to downtown Boston. Which is great for pranking, but not so hot when you're trapped in your seat next to a urine-soaked schizophrenic who insists on loudly explaining why Lyndon LaRouche must be our next president.
So dressed as Santa, I set to cheering up bus commuters with some really crappy presents from the Dollar Store:
Hey, at least it's not coal (or a dreidel)
Duct-taped lardass struggles with boots
Caffeine-fueled Santa is on his way!
I boarded the bus at the behest of a very merry bus driver, who insisted on letting Santa ride for free. I bellowed out my best HO HO HO, and though it sounded more like a cynical middle-aged comedy writer than jolly St. Nick, the commuters actually looked up from their iPads and began smiling and laughing! This Christmas thing apparently works!
Santa immediately begins judging: naughty or nice?
I began handing out presents, channeling Triumph the Insult Comic Dog instead of Hermie the Elf Dentist, with comments like "Susie, you wrote Santa complaining of a low sex drive, so Santa has some canned oysters for you!" or "Hello Billy! You told Santa you really wanted some potassium for Christmas, so Santa brought you a nice banana with a bow on it!" Santa also gave a young woman the "World's Largest Bra" from the ZUG store, and promised to deliver "gigantic breast implants" on Christmas morning.
"You're a techno-nerd Stuart, so here's some Spam you won't be filtering out!"
Happy mohawk guy enjoys beer hat while girl embraces Charlie-in-the-Box hat
Asian girl fondly fondles her new Christmas monkey
Out of presents and out of breath, Santa then led the now happy and cheerful commuters in a round of "Jingle Bells" -- which he forgot the words to, until his new friend Stuart bailed him out.
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, oh Frost! -- what's next?"
Leaving happy commuters full of Christmas cheer
Back to the mental hospital
Overall, the experience reminded me of the lines from that famous poem:
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And they laughed when they saw him, in spite of themselves!
With a cheap Santa beard hanging askew from his head,
The bus riders knew they had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And gave out his gag gifts, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger inside of his nose,
He picked out a booger, then flick'd to dispose.
And they heard him exclaim
E'er he rode out of sight
"I'LL BE ON THE RETURN BUS
AT SEVEN TONIGHT!"
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
16 votes
4.2
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Funny
7 votes
3.5
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John Hargrave 128,224  71
12/23/2011 12:08 AM
What really makes me laugh is that Santa Plankton had the thickest, loudest Boston accent you can imagine.
"YOU CAN PAHK THE BUS RIGHT OVER HEAH, DRIVAH! NEXT TO THE REINDEAH!"
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Jeeni, Mad Scientist ~ in training 43,953 49
12/23/2011 12:11 AM
My hero! Nice work, Johnny.
I'm just glad you didn't wear that diaper...
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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Johnny Plankton 3,948 26
12/23/2011 06:23 AM
I'm just glad you didn't wear that diaper...
Who says I didn't?
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.7
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Jeeni, Mad Scientist ~ in training 43,953 49
12/23/2011 09:16 AM
Useless without pictures!
Hm, I have to be careful what I wish for, here.
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Chuckleworthy
6 votes
2.7
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Johnny Plankton 3,948 26
12/23/2011 02:42 PM
I don't think so. Homeland Security snatched it.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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diburning 158 8
12/27/2011 01:44 PM
Awww, why couldn't you have done this on the 501 bus instead of the 503?
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