Viagra vs. Marijuana: Which Is Easier to Buy?
A comedy article
by Rob Cockerham  231  6
01/17/2012 12:02 AM 13518 views
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I don't take a lot of medicine, because I don't believe in it. Those tiny pills, what could possibly be in there? Wishes? Angels? Did Willy Wonka cram an entire meal into each little pill? No. That's impossible. Medicine is for suckers.
Recently, however, the medical marijuana industry has blossomed in California. We've now got weed-packed dispensaries selling bags of ganga to stoners of all ages. Marijuana, it turns out, is not only a very effective party drug, it can also be used to treat illness.
In regards to marijuana, California law has been relaxed since 1996, but there are still a slate of dispensing rules. State regulations require that weed buyers have a certificate to use medical marijuana, a certificate issued by an actual medical doctor.
I don't smoke pot, but I've wondered, "How hard is it to get one of those medical marijuana cards?" This question has sat unanswered for years, right next to a similar question, "How hard is it to get Viagra?"
Which is harder to get in California, medical marijuana, or Viagra? Finally, a bounty of holiday vacation days moved this project onto the front burner. It was time to set this plan into action.
Step 1. Getting the Viagra Appointment
First up, Viagra. I called Kaiser and asked for an appointment regarding sexual impotence. Thousands of Viagra commercials had urged me to take this step. Ask your doctor! Ask your doctor! Get the horses out of the trailer and pull your truck out of the mud! This is the age of knowing how to make things happen(TM)! Come on!
The boner police at the Kaiser hospital let me know it wasn't going to be that easy. Before I could schedule an appointment with a urologist, I'd have to take a class. Impotence class! In a classroom full of people! Terrific! Why share my humiliating deficiency with one M.D. when I can share it with a whole class?
The two-hour class was only given one time per month, in early January.
She gave me the room number and a few details, "Unfortunately, women are not allowed in the class, so your partner will have to wait outside if she is with you. Be sure to arrive 15 minutes early. They may lock the doors at 6 p.m."
I marked my calendar.
Step 2. Seeing a Marijuana Doctor
The medical pot industry in California is broken up into three separate wings: Marijuana doctors, marijuana dispensaries, and head shops. The doctors issue marijuana recommendations, the dispensaries sell the marijuana, and the head shops sell the pipes, bongs and other paraphernalia vital to getting high/cured.
Although a regular doctor in California can give a recommendation for marijuana, it is a rare event. I have a feeling that regular doctors consider it akin to approving the use of gin for medical reasons. To fill this need, a legion of doctors have set up special clinics where patients can be examined expressly for the purpose of being granted approval for marijuana. They advertise online and in our local weekly entertainment newspaper, The Sacramento News and Review. Most of the pot clinics I researched were charging $45 for an evaluation, but I found one with a $25 special: Confidential 420 in North Sacramento. (http://confidential420.com/).
Their website offered a place to book an appointment ... a NINE-MINUTE appointment. I booked one for that very day.
I knew I'd need a serious medical reason for to be approved for such a powerful drug. I had to ready for his questions, a patient frustrated by the lack of other medicines on the market. Nor did I want to screw up and accidentally tell the doctor that I had leprosy or something. I needed the perfect ailment, quick! There was no time, so I started to get really freaked out. Suddenly it hit me: ANXIETY.
My appointment was at noon, in an odd, unmarked three-room office building sharing a lot with a battery recycling yard and the old city incinerator. I arrived a minute early for my appointment, but a guy in a hat came out and met me halfway to the door. His name was Paul.
Paul explained that they had exhausted their ink cartridge, and would have to push my appointment back an hour while they got a new one.
Like most medical practices, the operation was a little scattered. It turned out that I was visiting on their very first day open! When I returned an hour later, there were two other patients waiting. Signing in, I filled out a questionnaire with 17 checkboxes for medical conditions, including: insomnia, AIDS, cancer, anxiety, burns, etc. I checked "anxiety." The next question asked how long I had been using marijuana, with options from one month to 20 years. There was no option for "never", so I left the question blank.
When I was finished, I was escorted into the private evaluation room. It was so private that even the doctor was in a different room. Paul explained that the evaluation would take place over Skype teleconference, and that the doctor was actually in Los Angeles.
Awesome! Nine-minute doctor appointments and my first experience with telemedicine! Welcome to the future!
The doctor appeared onscreen and Paul introduced us. "This is Rob, he is suffering from anxiety."
Paul left us alone and the doctor started probing me with a battery of pointed questions, designed to weed out, shake out, hash out, screen out, reveal the recreational users.
"How are you doing?" the doctor began.
"Fine."
"How long have you been using marijuana?" (Again with this question. Doesn't anyone come in here before they start smoking pot?)
Due to my intense anxiety, I bent the truth, "Many years, on and off. Most recently for about a month."
"Three months?" Asked the doctor.
"No, no, one month."
"Do you find that using marijuana provides relief from your anxiety?"
"Oh yes. Definitely."
"Well ... that's great. I find that you are approved."
"What's that again?"
"You are approved."
"Thank you."
After an awkward silence, I hit "end call" and exited the private evaluation room.
It took two minutes. In three more minutes I was out the door, holding a laminated copy of my Physician's Statement of Approval for the Use of Marijuana.
What was this document? It was like a fake ID in the hands of a minor: Good enough for the people selling to you, but not something you'd ever want to show a judge.
Total cost: $25. My anxiety was completely relieved.
Next: I Attend An Impotence Class!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
15 votes
4.7
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Funny
5 votes
3.8
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John Hargrave 128,224  71
01/17/2012 12:16 AM
Please welcome the great Rob C0ckerham to ZUG as our celebrity guest author! Rob runs the great c0ckeyed.com, of which I have been a fan for years. We are pleased that he has shared this comedy masterpiece, even if he kept the drugs all to himself. Welcome him!
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
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Thud 66,821 17
01/17/2012 12:26 AM
Bravo! Nice to have more of the silly west coast 'tude here.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 205,663 31
01/17/2012 12:32 AM
How about posting a picture of your PSoAftUoM. For research purposes, of course.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.5
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Elron_Hubbard 2,728 8
01/17/2012 12:44 AM
I can walk 3 blocks and go to a weed shop next door to a bar. I can give the medical spot my id, go pound some kamikaze's at the bar while they verify, then go back and pick out and smoke my weed and be back at the bar drinking all in about an hour. I can practically blow a bong hit on a passing by cop without a problem. I would have to go all the way to Mexico for Viagra, and even there they might look at me funny.
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Funny
8 votes
3.0
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Midgets 94,266 47
01/17/2012 07:41 AM
Great article!
I hope there's a follow up of what happens when you take them together.
In church maybe?
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Funny
10 votes
3.1
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Dogs Akimbo 205,663 31
01/17/2012 08:01 AM
A truck delivering Viagra to a pharmacy crashed into a bus full of prisoners being transported to court.
Fifteen hardened criminals escaped.
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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misterbuben 11 3
01/17/2012 01:28 PM
Marijuana... I like it!;)
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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Drewcifer the Driving Cat 40,712 52
01/17/2012 01:42 PM
Dude...
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.5
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Elron_Hubbard 2,728 8
01/17/2012 02:49 PM
...Sweet
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
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Dead Lenny 4 3
01/21/2012 04:48 AM
Wait a minute, people pay money for marijuana? Where I live, I'm so surrounded by the crap I'd forgotten; almost makes me wish I actually enjoyed smoking it.
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Hilarious
9 votes
4.2
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Whistler 183,399 42
01/21/2012 04:19 PM
In this town (which isn't in California) it's easier to get marijuana than it is to get Sudafed. Really. All the drugstores are parts of big chains, and even though Sudafed is supposed to be over-the-counter, they insist that you get it from the pharmacy department. They make you show your drivers license, and sign for it. This is supposed to be in an effort to prevent the manufacture of crystal meth.
The pharmacy departments of all the big chains close down at 6:00 p.m. here, and if you need something from them and can't wait, they direct you to one of their pharmacy departments that stays open late. Those are all downtown, which is ten miles away. I found this out one night when I had a raging sinus headache.
Meanwhile, right across the street from the local Walgreens are the public handball courts, where you can buy marijuana OR crystal meth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with no id and no questions asked.
If only I knew how to distill crystal meth back into its component forms.
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