Dear Charmin: Does a Bear Poop in the Woods?
A comedy article
by Betty Piedra  178  5
01/17/2012 10:44 PM 990 views
|
|
ZUG readers recently came up with several hilarious and irreverent responses to the "Dear [insert company here]" Comedy Challenge. In fact, your ideas were so brilliant that we couldn't let them go to waste, so we decided to send your letters -- with a few adjustments -- to the actual companies.
Here is an earnest query, proposed by ZUG reader Brubert, to the makers of everyone's favorite poop-on coupons:
Dear Charmin,
I like your commercials with the cute bears. I know bears don't talk, but my class was wondering if there are any bears that really use toilet paper? What do they do with it after they use it in the woods?
Please answer,
BP
To our delight, the good folks at P&G sent a prompt, if somewhat mirthless, reply:
Dear Valued Customer,
Thank you for your recent inquiry. The bears in our commercials are drawings and therefore complete works of fiction. However, we're pleased to remind you that all Charmin brand toilet paper is 100% biodegradable so you can enjoy the go even in the woods. Please share this information with your class and feel free to contact us again if you have any further questions.
Inspired by that last bit of heavy-handed marketing, we followed up with a letter that we hoped would cause a stink:
Dear Charmin,
After learning from your spokesperson that your product is biodegradable, my daughter felt that it was appropriate to discard her used toilet paper in our backyard instead of into the toilet. You can imagine my disgust and frustration at having to deal with that mess. Please exercise some responsibility and common sense when telling children that your product is safe for the environment and encourage them to talk to an adult before leaving their used toilet paper outside.
To our dismay, P&G neglected to respond to this fecal fiasco with any sincerity, instead sending back this generic reply:
Dear Valued Customer,
We are sorry to hear that you are dissatisfied with your Charmin experience. Thank you for sharing the details of your experience with us. It's always great to get feedback from customers. We want to assure you that your comments and concerns are a valuable resource to us and are considered whenever we make changes and upgrades to our program and site.
We appreciate the time you have taken to contact us.
The message also contained a link with an offer to mail us free coupons for Charmin and other P&G products, but we declined, for fear that they would do us the way they did old Winnie when he complained about absorbency:
The Charmin bear gets the last laugh in this snapshot of bear-on-bear crime from the blog Serious Doodles.
While P&G may have thought that was the end of it, you probably know better. How could we let them off the hook for their blatant -- albeit utterly contrived -- negligence? No, we had to let them know just how much damage those cheery, colorful, anal-obsessed bears had caused.
Dear Charmin,
Now I'm really mad. My daughter refused to believe me when I told her that leaving her used toilet paper outside was a bad idea, and I have had to go out there to pick up those disgusting wads of urine- and feces-soaked paper multiple times in the last several days. But that's not even the worst of it.
This morning, while I was cooking her breakfast, my daughter once again snuck into the yard to drop off her contribution to the garden. While she was out there, a wild bear from the nearby woods wandered into our yard and scared her to tears. She got back into the house with only a few scratches, but the bear stayed out there for over an hour! The man from animal control told us it was probably attracted by the strong scent of defecation and waste in our yard.
My daughter could have died thanks to you and your stupid talking bears. Why don't you just get a new marketing ploy already? It's not cute anymore, and people are starting to get hurt. If you have any soul whatsoever you will put those obsessive bears down and come up with something new and harmless, like declaring Charmin the official toilet paper of Indian restaurants everywhere.
P.S. I think I'll take you up on that free stuff after all.
We're still awaiting a response from P&G, but in the meantime, let's help them out by sharing your ideas for new Charmin slogans in the comments below.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
13 votes
4.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054220447
|
|
|
|
|
|
Also Recommended on ZUG:
|
|
|
|
Funny
4 votes
3.5
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054220464
John Hargrave 128,224  71
01/18/2012 09:05 AM
Charmin: The Quicker Pooper-Upper
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
9 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054220465
Brad Poynter 35,646 48
01/18/2012 09:42 AM
Charmin: Wipeing out Klingons from around Uranus longer than Captain Kirk!
|
| |
|
|
|
Amusing
1 votes
1.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054220617
Pubah... 55,067 17
01/19/2012 01:42 PM
Charmin...the Pooper Picker Upper
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
3 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054220628
Brubert 758 10
01/19/2012 05:44 PM
Hey, I wasn't that serious about it.
|
| |
|
|
|
Funny
1 votes
3.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054220655
Declan's Garlic McManus Potatoes 130,699 34
01/20/2012 03:55 AM
Not during winter!
(i haave indeed pooped in the woods, but never, ever during winter.)
|
|
|
|
Store
