Can This Ergonomic Chair Keep Me Comfy, No Matter What?
A comedy article
by Sam Jordan  362  4
01/23/2012 03:45 PM 1181 views
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Like a quality maxi pad, ergonomic office chairs are specially designed to keep you comfortable all day long. But what if we remove the office chair from the office? Can these seats still soothe your senses when your surroundings are less than serene?
Recently, I decided a scientific study on an ergonomic office chair would truly benefit society and answer the question that at least three or four people have been asking: Can this ergonomic chair keep me comfy, no matter what?
If anyone can create a comfortable chair, it's gotta be those pompous Swedish know-it-alls.
Of course, choosing the right chair is vital to the experiment, and since I knew I'd be sitting out in public, I wanted something that would ooze style as well as comfort. The "Markus" model from IKEA bragged of built-in lumbar support, a mesh backrest, and honestly, it just looked like a damned chick magnet. At $200, it wasn't cheap, but then again, globe-shaking scientific breakthroughs rarely are. I lugged it into my car, assembled it at home, and a mere nine hours later, it was ready for my bony butt.
Me and Markus. Markus is the name of the chair, not my imaginary friend. His name is Charlie. See Charlie on the couch? What a ham!
I spent my first few minutes in the chair -- which I'll now refer to as Markus -- soaking up its vibe and feeling it out. I immediately gravitated toward its rock-hard arms ... its taut back ... its bulging knobs. This was quite a specimen. As my body sank deeper into Markus' smooth, rich, ebony skin, it was clear this chair would be capable of hosting my hind quarters for a heavy workload. I quivered with anticipation. Really though, is there any other way to quiver?
A good office chair needs to pass the periodical test -- that is, can you read in the chair with supreme comfort? To test this, I couldn't just use the daily newspaper. (They don't make newspapers anymore). I needed a magazine that was unmistakably vile, degrading, and of no societal value -- I needed "Every Day with Rachael Ray."
"So that's how you make a zesty chicken stroganoff! Yum-O!,"
This particular issue was jam-packed with recipes for mayonnaise muffins, cheesy cheddar churros, and other foodstuffs that "Rach" eats to keep her "figure." It also featured hordes of hideous Rachisms, with phrases like "Yum-O" and "EVOO" assaulting my eyes. I must admit by page 77 I had noticed a creeping unease in my neck and shoulders. Markus had buckled -- but not failed -- during his very first test. Yikes. Staying relaxed at home is one thing, but out in public would be the best way to figure out the chair's comfy quotient. My first stop was right in the middle of a three lane road. Despite my mother's suggestions to me as a child, I had never sat in traffic before, and it didn't sound like fun. Would Markus make the cut?
Horns honked and verbal hatred was hurled, yet I remained quite comfortable.
Despite literally sitting in rush hour traffic in heat-stained Jacksonville, Florida, I remained physically and mentally relaxed. Even when one angry motorist yelled out "Hey jerk, go test out the comfort levels of an ergonomic office chair from IKEA somewhere else!" I still felt at ease. Markus was on the rebound!
A personal aside here: I'm not very comfortable with my body. But I'm even less comfortable with your body, especially when it's naked. I have a friend who told me about one of these so called "Adult Stores", where they apparently specialize in things adults enjoy. I was expecting to see ample prunes and "Mad Men" Blu-rays, but I was aghast to discover it was all about videos of naked people doin' it. This offended me highly, but it was sure to be a great spot to test the chair.
Unable to stomach the stench of debauchery emanating from inside "Fantasy Lane,", I parked Markus in front of the store for 15 minutes. From the comfort of my throne, I surveyed the varied classes of human filth that slithered into the establishment -- if you can even call it an establishment. Despite my disdain for the location, I remained in pure, ergonomic comfort as I shot nasty glances at people entering the store.
By this time I was starting perspire, as it was a humid, 85 degree afternoon. Don't believe me? BAM!
It wasn't the heat. It wasn't the humidity. It was the fact that I was sitting in a bank parking lot like an idiot.
Being just a mile from the beach, it seemed the like the perfect time to go cool off, and finally test the chair's mettle in what I like to call the Big Teardrop. Some of you may know it as the Atlantic Ocean. On this cloudy Thursday afternoon, the shoreline was pretty empty. I spotted a man in a beach chair and set up my seat within an uncomfortable range of his domain.
"Hey buddy, I see we both enjoy sitting at the beach. Mind lotioning me up?",
Despite the awkwardness of the situation, I remained relaxed. After Mr. Too-Cool-for-an-Office-Chair rejected my idea of having him smear sunblock on my back (you can never be too careful, what with the UV rays and all), I decided to subject my test seat to one final challenge. Yes, it was going in the ocean -- or as you most likely now call it as well, the Big Teardrop.
With a few onlookers, uh, looking on, I waded into the water with my hefty piece of office furniture. The waves were small, but still, I was taking no chances. I fastened my protective helmet and prepared for Mother Nature's foamy fury. And you know what? Markus kept me comfy once again! The water was quite refreshing, and the puzzled looks on the faces of the fish only served to enchant my inner Ahab.
Only when I recalled Rachael Ray's magazine did I feel anything less than pure comfort in the water.
The verdict was in. You can stay comfortable in this chair in just about any situation, but some slight discomfort is likely when reading more than 70 pages of Rachael Ray's rotisserie chicken rants. Dum-O!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
17 votes
4.0
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Chuckleworthy
4 votes
2.8
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KChiki - Techno Geek Nerd Princess 124,657  90
01/23/2012 04:39 PM
This is made even better because I know where most of those photos were taken!
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.3
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The High Priestess 58,238 29
01/23/2012 04:55 PM
AWWW Shakespeare! Another north Florida Gabber!
oneofusoneofusoneofus
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Funny
5 votes
3.0
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KChiki - Techno Geek Nerd Princess 124,657 90
01/23/2012 05:02 PM
I don't think he counts though because he's just a writer. He doesn't post.
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Funny
3 votes
3.0
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Fratberry 278,229 52
01/23/2012 05:12 PM
Nice. Very well done. Awesome, even.
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Funny
7 votes
3.0
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Dogs Akimbo 205,663 31
01/23/2012 11:54 PM
I was going to give him 3 orbs, but I upped it to four as a small compensation for having to live in Jacksonville.
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Funny
6 votes
3.8
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John Hargrave 128,224 71
01/24/2012 10:44 AM
If I was coming up with a name for a romantic superstore, I think I'd name is something more romantic than "Fantasy LANE." Sounds too much like an interstate.
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Funny
4 votes
3.5
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KChiki - Techno Geek Nerd Princess 124,657 90
01/24/2012 11:00 AM
We also have a "romantic superstore" chain named Adam $ Eve's. Rawr!
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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Jen Hubley Luckwaldt 413 5
01/24/2012 11:04 AM
"Fantasy Lane" sounds like a combination romantic superstore/bowling alley.
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Chuckleworthy
3 votes
2.7
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Hoppy Gnu Ear Jeeni 43,953 49
01/24/2012 11:48 AM
I would have loved to see accompanying video of you setting yourself up in traffic. Although, the picture alone is enough to make me uncomfortable. Nice product review, Sam.
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Funny
6 votes
3.5
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KatDawg 9,319 11
01/24/2012 11:51 AM
Like a quality maxi pad, ergonomic office chairs are specially designed to keep you comfortable all day long.
I'm sorry, but there needs to be a rule that says you can't make a maxi pad or a tampon joke unless you've actually had to wear them.
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