It is upon us. The time of year when Hallmark reminds us that if we don't buy greeting cards with pre-wrapped, frozen, highly-preserved, bland sentiments for the people we actually give a crap about, we are TERRIBLE UNCARING SOCIOPATHS.
Personally, if I'm going to receive a card, I prefer to have a nice hand-written note instead of a mass-produced generic statement.
In light of that, your challenge is to come up with the absolute worst Valentine's Day card sentiments. It can be either a one-liner or a two-parter (outside and inside message).
"Come on, baby. Don't be like that. Your sister TOLD ME you like it in the butt."
In addition, to make things more interesting, we're going to be posting the same challenge to ZUG's Facebook page, Google+ page and Twitter account. The challenge will run until Tuesday at midnight (2/7/2012). After that, we'll list the highest rated suggestions from each page here.
As the holiday season is fast approaching and this really is a lose/lose situation for we guys, I've found it best to let you know right now that you're on your own until after Valentines day.
I'm doing this for you, really.
Think about it. You will not be disappointed by the sweater you would get at Christmas instead of the ring you really want. Likewise, Valentines, see above but insert chocolate for word sweater.
One small disappointment instead of two! BONUS FOR YOU!
Likewise, I will not be disappointed by the sweater at Christmas instead of the steak and BJ that I really want. Heck, I'll probably get them anyway! And for less money.
Also, no time spent with your family! BONUS FOR ME!
Outside: When considering a gift to get for you this Valentine's Day, I discovered that nothing compares to you! Inside: So that's what I got you. (And remember, it's the thought that counts!)
"I know you really wanted me to spend Valentines in New York City with you, but there's this class on the 14th I have to take for the CPEs. Especially now that the other class in March got cancelled."
So, I'm currently envisioning a card with some Transformers on the outside, that plays that music when opened. The inside says something like, "You married a guy you met on the internet. Be happy this isn't a Batman card. Yay you!"
My Wifey Valentine
I've got a Valentine
My soccer league is about to start
It's quite laughable
with a friend unfappable
You're gonna be alone sweatheart.
I'm thinking that my interpretation of "My Funny Valentine" will be the way I tell my wife my indoor soccer league is starting on Valentine's Day...and I will be playing with a female friend she thinks wants to bring March 14th early for me.
"I spent more time trying to come up with a bad Valentine's Day sentiment to post in this ZUG challenge than I did trying to express how I truly feel about you. But if I win, I will spend the entire $25 Amazon gift card to get you something nice."
outside: I love you. And I speak not of that passion-strung, wild way that movies portray love between a girlfriend and boyfriend, but of a deeper, more sincere love.
inside: Much like the love a mother has for her child. Would you be my adopted child this Valentine's Day?
Here are the results from our very first Internet-wide ZUG Comedy Challenge!
These are the top-rated posts from ZUG.com and the only social networks that actually matter!
ZUG.com BobJohnson was the clear winner with:
Front: "I want the whole world to know I love you!"
Inside: "Especially your doctor, since there are some tests he will need to do."
Facebook
We had a tie between two posts!
From Craig Winsberg: "You're not perfect. But, you're good enough for now."
From Gary Guenther: "You're just like your mother. I love you."
Google+
We also had a tie between two posts!
From Thom Kennedy: "Roses are red, violets are blue, where am I now? In your closet with a knife."
From Zac Smith: "Roses are red, violets are blue, usually for sex I pay, but not this Valentine's Day 'cause I have you!!"
Twitter
The entire Twitter community refused to participate. But I will wear them down. Oh yes, I will.
A new Internet-wide Comedy Challenge starts today!
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