ZUG readers recently came up with several hilarious and irreverent responses to the "Dear [insert company here]" Comedy Challenge. In fact, your ideas were so brilliant that we couldn't let them go to waste, so we decided to send your letters -- with a few adjustments -- to the actual companies.
Fans of comedy everywhere all enjoy a good customer complaint letter. It's weirdly validating to unleash the uncensored thoughts of the aggravated consumer on unsuspecting companies. Even the most comical complaints, when delivered in the irreproachable guise of complete earnestness, can bring about a perverse sort of catharsis. It gets to be even more fun when the offending companies play along.
This week, I stick it to the man by demanding that the people behind the unconventional Keebler workshops answer for their appalling working conditions:
Dear Keebler,
Do you think it's safe to be baking inside of a wooden tree? It seems the potential for a fire is pretty high, though I can't seem to find the applicable occupancy code in my Universal Fire Code handbook. I must issue an immediate work stoppage order until proper fire safety measures are instituted or the proper code can be found to allow for such usage.
Bribes, as always, will be thoughtfully considered.
Yours forever,
BP
To their credit, the Consumer Affairs Department at Kellogg's met my inquiry with equal gravity and earnestness:
Betty,
How thoughtful of you to take the time to let us know you enjoy our Keebler(R) products. We are always pleased to hear from our consumers. Thank you!
Our company is committed to consistently providing consumers with products of the highest quality. All of our products are produced in many facilities. We have rigid sanitation standards that are closely adhered to in all facilities where our products are manufactured. In addition, Kellogg Quality Assurance personnel regularly visit our plants and suppliers to assure that proper procedures are being followed.
All our operations must meet Kellogg Company standards, which often exceed government standards. We take great pride in the fact that our facilities are clean and technologically advanced and that Kellogg people are strongly committed to producing products of the highest quality regardless of their location.
We certainly appreciate your interest in our company and products.
Sincerely,
Samantha C.
Consumer Specialist
While the well-meaning Samantha offered me assurance of the safety and technological advances of all Keebler facilities, a close reading of her reply reveals a careful skirting of the whole tree issue, though she does allude more than once to numerous and varied facility locations. Could it be that she knew more than she was telling me? Hastily, I addressed her with another grave concern:
Dear Samantha,
Thank you for your reply to my letter regarding the flammability of Keebler's tree-based facilities. I will assume based on your response that there are advanced technologies in place which somehow render ligneous materials fireproof. As I am not a scientist, I will have to take your word for it -- but don't say I didn't warn you.
I must also call to your attention what I believe to be a grievous human rights violation. Anyone can see that the individuals employed at the Keebler workshop are of a certain variety of human which political correctness prevents me from labeling. I am sure you understand what I mean. How can your company justify kidnapping entire groups of these people for what I'm sure amounts to slave labor? It's prejudiced and inhumane. I must insist that you either answer for your crimes or release the Keebler employees at once.
Yours Forever,
BP
P.S. I will still consider bribes offered in a timely fashion.
Though she had coolly dismissed my incendiary misgivings, I was confident that I had brought an issue to her attention that could not be ignored. I was not disappointed:
Betty,
Thank you for sharing your concerns with us. We are always glad to receive customer feedback and, whenever possible, to take the time to address problems and suggestions.
Kellogg's is proud of its commitment to equality in the workplace and its rigorous compliance with federal regulations regarding accessibility, such as the Americans with Disabilities Act. Although Kellogg's employees are a variety of shapes and sizes, our hiring practices and employment policies are strictly non-discriminatory.
Our commitment to the highest standards of quality extends to our Human Resources department. We strive to create a healthy, safe and positive work environment and are proud to offer our employees an industry-leading benefits program which includes comprehensive healthcare coverage. Differently-abled individuals are valued members of our diverse community, and we are proud of the work done by all Kellogg's employees.
Thank you again for your interest in our company.
Sincerely,
Samantha C.
Consumer Specialist
To which I made the terse reply:
Samantha,
Sizes? Disabilities? I think you have misunderstood me. I was referring to the fact that the Keebler elves, who are all men and seem to live, work, and, it seems fair to assume, love only other men, are quite obviously gay.
How embarrassing for you.
Yours Truly,
BP
Strangely, there were no further responses.
Thanks to Hydrant-Monkey for the idea. Submit your own "Dear [insert company here]" idea, and we'll send the funniest to the actual companies!
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