In a previous article I immersed myself in the world of fanfiction, but I actually only explored half of the subculture. There's a seedy underbelly to fanfiction, which should scare you considering the "mainstream" stuff can feature male characters getting pregnant. But that's nothing compared to adult fanfiction, which is a euphemism for "especially embarrassing erotica."
It should be obvious that combining fanfiction with sex produces disturbing results. But no matter how baffling a story is, at least one reader is always aroused by it. That made me curious -- how bizarre does adult fanfiction have to get before not a single person finds it erotic? There was only one way to find out. I had to stop writing dick jokes, and just start writing about dicks.
The Basics
Let's get straight to the point: adult fanfiction is about fictional characters doin' it. Sure, regular fanfiction can feature sex scenes, but we're not talking about mere scenes here. These are filthy boning marathons, set in an alternate reality where everyone gets naked at the drop of a hat and each of their multiple orgasms shakes the Earth. Seriously, these characters have so much sex on so little pretense they must spend half their paychecks on birth control.
In the erotic fanfiction world, this would last one person about a week.
Things happen in these stories that would make porn stars blush. And then they happen again and again. I wasn't kidding about the marathon comment -- characters have endurance that distance runners would envy. And that's just the tip of the insanity ... but I don't want to get too graphic. My point is that sex in adult fanfiction is so over the top and unrealistic I suspect its writers have only a vague idea of what sex actually is. Which made me the perfect person to infiltrate their world.
I first had to get past their elaborate security system.
The Adult Fanfiction Community
The world's number one source for adult fanfiction is, rather appropriately, adultfanfiction.net. It's not some obscure little site -- it has over 130,000 writers, plus God knows how many anonymous readers. So now you know where to go the next time you get bored on a Saturday night.
AdultFanFiction is broken down into categories. You've got your usual suspects (Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, Twilight, etc.), along with more obscure subjects like fairy tales and folklore. What kind of erotic stories can you write about folklore, you ask?
You shouldn't have asked.
And that's far from the strangest topic. I found a Stephen Colbert/Jon Stewart gay sex story, entire sections dedicated to erotic tales about the bands My Chemical Romance and Dir En Grey, and a story about Robin Williams masturbating. Why would anyone write that?
Oh, well that makes perfect sense. Wait, no, what the Frost?
This may shock you, but adult fanfiction is not very well written; and not just because it's hard to type with one hand. You'll understand best by reading an example. Now, I don't believe in censorship, but I do believe in not making you read about an anthropomorphized Pikachu's erect clitoris, so I'm going to refrain from showing you any of the really racy stuff. If this decision angers you, the doctors will come to your cell and sedate you shortly. For the rest of you, please enjoy this except from "The Witches of Canterbury," a story about a coven of witches who have sex with Orlando Bloom.
We'll stop before it gets too raunchy, but rest assured that Orlando gets laid. Although it turns out that one of the witches was married, and her husband gets back at Orlando by sexually assaulting him. But it's cool, because they fall in love. If that's too unrealistic for you, don't worry -- there are 130 other erotic Orlando Bloom stories to choose from (my personal favorite is the one where he runs a detective agency with Liv Tyler.)
So, what did the readers think of "The Witches of Canterbury?"
I couldn't have put it better myself.
Reading about Orlando Bloom banging witches inspired me to start writing my own adult fanfiction. But I had never written erotica before, and wasn't quite sure where to begin. Luckily, AdultFanFiction's forums had tips for me! I learned plenty of helpful synonyms:
Staff? Sword? When did my junk become a Dungeons and Dragons armory?
And for the ladies:
So when that woman slapped me for telling her I wanted to "sheathe my sword in her tunnel of love," it was really her own fault for not appreciating a writer's vocabulary.
I also picked up some general writing tips:
Is... is that a common problem?
I even got to see the source of my fellow erotica writers' inspiration:
I always thought it was spelled "muse," but then I don't have an imaginary cross-dressing glowing mute furry boy to inspire me, so what do I know?
You can't read something like that and not be motivated. It was time for me to write.
Part 2: Getting hot and heavy!
Thumbnail image via Scifiandsqueam.blogspot.com
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