In the first world, people either enjoy the amazing range of food or are ungrateful Emersons. With six billion people on the planet, we're lucky half of us aren't eating the other, slower half, so I'm celebrating our ability to food-chain-whip nature by eating bugs. We've already enjoyed scorpions and endured the desiccated corpses of crickets.
AMBER InsectNSide
Having a brandname half a phoneme from a deadly poison is normally a mistake, but here it's a warning. This candy looks like scientists were trying to recover dinosaur DNA and that would have been better for your teeth.
It's the opposite of the 2001 monolith: brightly colored and if you touch it you're an idiot.
They only added a label with the actual ingredients because I live in Canada -- in the US, they're allowed to just sell masses of featureless food-like material containing a percentage of worms and insects. A fun thought for fast food. It's the most cowardly method of insectivoring, hiding the bugs under enough sugar to diabetize a hippo, and the same way they convinced people to drink cocaine-free Coke -- missing all the unique flavor of the real ingredient, they just piled on sweeteners and hoped people were stupid.
Nothing good ever comes after releasing things from a transparent block
There's less insect per unit mass than the average hot dog. Biting it felt like my teeth were being pulled out my gums, running away from the mouth that would do this to them. Eating the whole thing wouldn't do anyone any good because my dentist's kids have already gone through college.
Unfortunately the glucose-glacier pace of the candy completely destroys the whole point of the candy. By the time you even notice anything in the steady flow of sugar, you've already unknowingly tongued out every last crevice of from the dessicated corpse. A phrase normally only used by Beltway prostitutes.
Cicadas
Eating cicadas isn't just a good idea, it's basic natural selection: if the horrible things don't want to be fried and chewed, they should shut up, because we:
a) can shove ten in our mouths at once
b) want to sleep
Cicadas are often confused for locusts but are the exact opposite: instead of consuming everything they are incredibly delicious snacks. Sure, some people might have trouble eating them, but that's because they're mentally children and don't deserve nice things.
Though they do look like an unnamed scientist would be examining them, with his helmet off, in the spaceship's lab, while ominous music plays.
Deep fried cicada might sound like a random captcha, but it's a ridiculously perfect snack. The most important part is that there's no goo, even though everyone who's ever newspapered a fly thinks they're full of pus-smears. Instead, you have a smoky snack with a texture exactly halfway between flaked pastry and meat: it's like God genetically engineered an animal to taste like both parts of meat pie. That's why He made so many of them -- he thought we'd be eating them faster.
Friend Sandworm
Fried sandworm isn't the last desperate measure of someone starving on Arrakis, but the ultimate snack. They're tasty, they're fried, you can eat a million without losing your appetite and it's not like you were going to do anything else with the wriggling pile of ingredients.
In the world's most bizarre example of parallel evolution, the sandworm's adaptations to the beach also perfectly adapt them to the deep-fat fryer. The resulting crispy crunch is the perfect edge of fried unhealthiness, hold the unhealthy. It's as if some culinary god stole the crispiness from horribly soggy late night drunken french fries and hid it under rocks on the beach as a joke. It's everything that's good about chips, with the advantage that it's obviously extremely natural and the only E-number is the three e's in "Eeewwwwww" from idiots who won't eat any (leaving more for you.)
The rest of the taste is the perfect extract of umami. Literally the perfect extract -- people used to grind this into powder to umamize other foods. It's a lot of work to get such good snacks: you have to wash all the sand out of a sand worm, for one thing, but it's a brilliant example of why we need to eat bugs. For the new flavors! Insects are the most diverse species in existence that's still large enough to conveniently serve by the snack-bowl, which means evolution has already invented millions of different flavors and textures. And that's a good thing, because human snack technology ran out of ideas years ago. They're getting so desperate they've started dumping random chemicals into bags and asking customers to name them.
Translation: "Please tell us how to sell this. We are so out of ideas."
The most recent new snack flavor was Onion Rings, meaning they're just copying other fried snacks. We're all for rampant consumption, but our damn snacks aren't meant to cannibalize each other. Especially when the world has been growing worms far better than crisps could ever hope to be. Double-especially when they're all-natural, additive-free, and after people ask what they are, you'll probably get the whole bowl to yourself.
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Dogs Akimbo 211,630  32
02/05/2012 12:27 PM
I was looking for more information on fried sandworms, and I found this page with the following sentence:
Sandworms to Guangxi Beihai Longtan village produced of most famous, visitors to North Sea to, don't forget has eat sandworms and buy sandworms, in processing sandworms Shakespeareo will it abdominal within Sha intestinal cut off, otherwise difficult to entry, if is sandworms dry words, must to first to sandworms shear into small article shaped, with pot fried had, fried Shakespeareo constantly flip, found has enough heat of on clips out, into water in bubble a will, such both can to sand clear, and can will sandworms itself of aroma fried out.
Evidently, sandworms help you write long time.
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