Choosing Your Religion
A comedy article
by SlavaP  51  3
02/09/2012 09:07 AM 172 views
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If you had the displeasure of watching the Golden Globes this year, you would have seen Ricky Gervais deliver witty punch lines at the expense of celebrities (how dare he?!) all night long. But the Shakespeare really hit the fan when, at the end of the ceremonies Ricky said “I’d like to thank God for making me an atheist.”
The question of religion is almost as old as time itself but it’s only recently that we can openly question it without being beheaded or having stones thrown at us. As a college student, you are experiencing a very wonderful and mysterious time in your life; one where you can openly question your religion and even change or abandon it if you want to. Why would you do this? Here’s a quick list of reasons:
You’re suffering from an existential crisis brought on by a heavily bearded philosophy professor.
You read a few pages of your roommates Richard Dawkins book
You want to piss off your religious parents without having to fear the consequences that come from living under the same roof as them.
You are in possession of a lot of meat that needs to be sacrificed.
The problem with atheism is that it’s so 2009! That is where I come in.
Too long have we worshipped boring or jealous Gods that don’t turn into bulls and ravage young virgins. I think it’s time for a religious throwback and as such I’ve converted to Greco Polytheism: the worship of the Olympic Gods.
Life has never been easier; whenever I’m having a crisis with say, the ocean, I can simply pray to Poseidon to change the tides and I know that he’ll get around to it eventually. No more undirected prayers getting lost in the mail on the way to Jesus. How can Greco Polytheism benefit you in your daily college life?
Pray to: Dionysus
if you’re a: Frat Boy
Not only was he the God of wine, he was also the God of ‘Frost-ing Shakespeare up’ and excersied that power often. He rode around on a jaguar and was prone to turning people into dolphins at whim. You should pray to him if you want to throw wicked parties, start some lust filled orgies, or if you’d like to keep you keg bottomless. Just hope that he doesn’t decide to show up, because then you’d have to deal with a horny bull all night long.
Pray to: Persephone
if you’re a: Drug Dealer
This goddess of the harvest will make sure that your basement greenhouse continues to provide you with bountiful and potent ‘crops’. Just make sure that you only pray to her during the spring-time months because during the winter she becomes Goddess of the Underworld and, as such, only deals with things like death and pestilence which can prove useful if you’re looking for a way to stop your nosy neighbour from asking about all those heat lamps you keep around.
Pray to: Aphrodite
If you’re a: Virgin
Have trouble meeting women? Do you get debilitating anxiety when a girl looks at you? Have no fear; if anyone can get you laid, it’s Aphrodite. Just shoot her a prayer and you’re guaranteed to get some sort of amorous affection directed towards you! Just find yourself a slab of ox meat, marinate it in its own blood for a day or so, leave it as a sacrifice. Then wait for the girls to come crawling.
Pray to: Apollo
if you’re a: Bro
Apollo was the local bro on Mount Olympus, seducing nymphs with his lyre (the Greek equivalent of the modern day acoustic guitar) killing dragons and worshiping the sun all day (i.e. tanning). As such, it makes sense to ask him for some help with stuff like curing a killer hangover, getting a perfectly even tan or getting rid of that weird rash that’s been on your inner thigh since Frosh Week.
That’s just a cross-section of what you can expect when you convert; some Gods are even in the business of smiting, a long lost art in today’s religion. So give Greco Polytheism a spin, it can’t be any more ridiculous then believing in a zombie sky wizards and while all your friends are worrying about their finals you can just relax knowing that Athena has your back. Just beware of wild bull rape.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054221845
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Funny
3 votes
3.3
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054221929
Dogs Akimbo 211,630  32
02/10/2012 09:38 AM
Pray to god you stop.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054221935
Spicey McHaggis 117,791 37
02/10/2012 12:14 PM
Oh no! You've saaaaaaid toooooo much!
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Funny
3 votes
3.7
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054221951
Pants 14,252 17
02/10/2012 08:43 PM
I'll give it an E for effort.
SlavaP your material clearly dates you and will only appeal to a small demographic. My advice for you is to start writing about topics that have a universal appeal such as poop and dead babies.
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Chuckleworthy
2 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1054221952
Pudding Pops's Ghost 1,379 9
02/10/2012 09:50 PM
poop and dead babies.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, awesome.
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