I'm almost at that critical point too. Unfortunately, there is a plumber in the only female bathroom in my building.

Agreed, somewhere between your mouth and colon, coffee turns into astroglide.

Oh, this would have been one of those points where you grab the plumber by the coller and toss them out the door. One of those point of no return moments when the gate door opens before you even get fully seated and you have that one second panic where you hope you got your pants all the way out of the line of fire.

I had a buddy that used to race sailboats. He was on his way to an evening race and was right at the point you speak of chickens.



He got to the boat, pressing his ass cheeks together as best he could while running down the dock, and found he was the first one to the boat.



He threw down his bag, opened the combination lock of the boat, pulled the planks of wood that closed off the cabin, 1,2,3,4, and ran for the head. He said his pants were already down when he spun 180 degrees and let her fly.



Too bad the toilet lid was down and it hit the lid and went everywhere.



He said he halfassed cleaned it up before anyone else showed up, but all night people were bitching about how badly the bilge smelled.

When the turtle peeks out, you have to be careful not to scare him back in.

I am shy

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS



SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS



SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS



SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS





SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

SSSSS









Ahhhhh

















EP!











SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS









SSSSS







SS















AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (pulls up pants and zips contentedly)

Really you guys too? I always thought it was just my worn out butt hole muscles.

Reminds me once when I was a kid, riding the bus home from school and I had to take a monster piss; I thought I could hold it for the "short" trip home. That five minute bus ride turned into a seventeen hour nightmare of bladder cramps and trembling thigh muscles as I struggled to hold it in. There was a five-gallon bucket of sand that was supposedly used for putting fires out sitting next to me on the floor and I remember becoming mesmerized by its siren call. It was looking like a little bit of heaven to me the longer I stared, wondering if I should dare the wrath of the bus driver and unload right there. Of course, the more you think about going, the more you have to go, right? Let's just say that when that bus stopped, I would have put an Olympic track star to shame getting off that bus, heading anywhere where I could relieve myself with the minimum amount of shame possible. I remember saying to my friend as I rocketed by him, "HeymancanIgouseyourbathroom IgottagoreallyFrost-ingbadgetouttamyway Imgonnapeealloversome bodyanditaintgonnabepretty!" Or something to that effect. I think I made it in time, but since it was my friend's bathroom, I didn't care if I "missed" a little bit. I think that was the time when my life-long friendlessness had begun, but I'm not sure.

I know that poop well, Chickens.





Do you ever notice that whenever you have a potentially-liquid poop knockin at the hatch, and you suppress it by trying to relax the body while tensing the sphincter, that you get a variation of the "Pee Shiver"?



I propose titling it a Shiss Shake.

Shissgasm.



Much better.

Or when you get teh hersey squirts and you get up, do the paperwork, and take like three steps and ooop!





reboot

Last weeekend Spicey and I were out shopping for a new couch. We were sitting in the showroom, and I had to fart, but instead of a noise, I made a mess. I fet this warm liquid sensation, and I jumped up off the loveseat we were sitting on and made a beeline for the bathroom - which was of course, at the very back of the store.



When I pulled down my jeans, I had a yellow-brown puddle in my panties. That wasn't all though. -there was also a long, thin rectangular piece of onion.



I wish I was making that up.

Awesome: Underegg has a sex dream about me.

Comepletely not awesome: blowing my glow with too damn much information

When I pulled down my jeans, I had a yellow-brown puddle in my panties. That wasn't all though. -there was also a long, thin rectangular piece of onion.



Years from now, when the Forensic Pathologists are sifting all of the records, that one paragraph will be the oldest piece of evidence in Mad Dog's Holly file.

I'm just glad it didn't end up seeping through onto the couch.



Only minutes before I had been drinking a strawberry milkshake. While talking to the salesperson, I became conscious of that fact, and I set it down on the coffee table.



He told me, "don't worry. This is just a floor model. Getting a little something on it won't matter."



That phrase did go through my head as I was racing to the bathroom. I'm fairly certain, however, that he would have retracted his statement if I had stained his couch with my ass slime.

<action>Saddened by the thought of never being able to eat tuna sandwiches with onions and sweet pickle relish ever again</action>That wasn't all though. -there was also a long, thin rectangular piece of onion.



I wish I was making that up.



So do I dear. So do I.

You should chew your food better Undies...I know it's tough with the big Spicy animal around

The only thing more pressing (heh) than the early morning coffee poo is the "I've just had my gallbladder removed" poo.



If you have a gallbladder, then try to imagine this... you've just had your morning coffee, and a Fleet enema, and you took a whole box of Ex-lax the night before. Now muliply that urgency by about 10.



Now you have an idea of how it feels to be on a date at Olive Garden and have to blow your innards in the middle of the seafood alfredo.

Please give us a heads up - which Olive Garden this is?

hehehe

<action>points at the "Add to Conversation" button</action> No, Deedee, you must never push THIS button.

This was the WRONG thread to read while eating cereal.



Frosters.

This was the WRONG thread to read while eating cereal.









Just be happy it wasn't a Bloomin Onion !











With Dipppin Sauce...

Olive Garden security camera footage.

Are you sure it was an onion? Because that sounds a lot like a tapeworm.

UnderEgg,



Did you ever get to finish your fart?

Lupy, I have to agree with ya on that one. Sounds like Unders has got a nasty tapeworm. Hey, unders, how long was it? The record tapeworm at our shelter is 12 inches.

heh.

Do you think my SS victim would mind a homemade gift?

An El Caganer figurine makes a great holiday gift.

than a morning coffee fueled poop when it decides to hit the backdoor.

"Now. No, I mean, RIGHT NOW."

I posted about this, too. In fact, I think I'm gonna wait 'till the last possible moment to run to the bathroom. Life rocks!

THE ONION SLIVER THREAD!

Wow, you're observent today.

ONION SLIVER!!!11

My head hurts today and GAB made it worse.

You know what can make you feel better? Watching that video of the two girls eating feces and vomiting into each other's mouth.

You know what can make you feel better? Watching that video of the two girls eating feces and vomiting into each other's mouth.


*wistful sigh* It always does.