"If you just read what I wrote, you wasted your time."

"If a neighbor woman throws a candle party, you can be fairly certain that she doesn't give blow jobs any more."

If you see a car driving at you, ask it to stop because it will make you die.

"If the band is named after a city, only guys with Peeing Calvin stickers on their trucks will like the music."

rule of thumb: one inch.

"People who say, "Whoa, I'm not even going to touch that one!!" can't think of anything clever to say."

Heheheh! I'm not even going to touch THAT one!









If a video has a holographic/lenticular cover, it is going to be a very, very bad movie (and not in a good way.)

If you have a vagina, you are bad at math.

"If no one's ever heard of a band and the band plays dumb music and the band sucks then the that band is automatically good."

"If you compete in the Special Olympics, you are probably handicapped."

"If you drink beer from a can, you probably drive a large American car."

Heh... my wife does them word search puzzles. I should buy more for her!

"If you are picky about the brand of bottled water you drink, you probably listen to Enya"

If anything you have to say can be summed up on a bumper sticker, chances are, you're a Frost-ing retard.

Dude, just use roofies; it's quicker.

A married couple that wears watching sweatsuits and rides matching bikes are Russian spies.

If you order a chicken baja chalupa then that will be $1.59, please pull up to the window."

"If you drink TAB, then you also watch Fame."



"If you drink Moxie, you have no taste buds."



"If you drink semen, you are either a gay man or my best friend."

Oh yeah, from Never Say Never Again on TV last night:



If you want to kill someone, don't actually kill them. Wait until they're driving somewhere and then THROW A SNAKE INTO THEIR CAR.

If you're reading this, you're not black.

If you masturbate to porn, you are a sinner.

If your sister can run faster than you, you're probably a virgin.



Maybe that only applies in Louisiana.

If your kid's names sounds like characters on WB sitcoms, they have different fathers.

Vicar, you seem to be in a UA mood today...perhaps you should log in to that account.

If you have to have an airplane and a Corvette to get chicks to sleep with you, God's trying to tell you something.

If you have anything to say that would fit on a bumper sticker, chances are you're not Ford Prefect.

If you've played Pictionary in the last 10 years, you've probably never had anal sex.

If you wear overalls and have body odor, you watch your dog lick himself and think, "Man I wish I could do that!!"

That's pretty good, Squeamish.



*hides Pictionary box*

If you think Christian rock bands are "as good as other bands" then you're probably going to marry someone who makes their own clothes.

"If you are picky about the brand of bottled water you drink, you probably listen to Enya"



Evian. It's magic water, I swear.

"If you've ever bookmarked a scat porn site, you probably know a lot about shotguns"

If you believe in the "power of love," some day you will make or receive child support payments.

"If you've been married longer than one year, you probably cry yourself to sleep at night"

"If you drink beer from a can, you probably drive a large American car"



Bull. I drive an American pickup. Get it right Nutbutter.

If you've been married longer than 2 years, the only oral sex comes from the babysitter when you're taking her home.

All members of FTA have sweet asses.

If you drink beer from the trash bin behind the bar, you need AA.

If you're gay, you're going to Hell.

If you make it your life's mission to fart in confined spaces such as air planes and elevators, you are EVIL.

"If you ride your bike to work, you probably belive in gun control"

"If you are a chick and you listen to Bjork, you've probably named your car"

"If you drive a Ford LTD, you are either a cop or a child molestor"

If your girlfriend/wife has a winter coat identical to yours, you're a dumbass.

If you drive any car with a hatchback, you are a college student or are still paying the student loans 10 years after graduation.

If you are a reporter for the Wall Street Journal and you get kidnapped in Pakistan, you're Frosted"

If your girlfriend stops shaving her legs, she is no longer your girlfriend.

The second you find yourself at a coffeehouse watching a guy play the dulcimer, you are offically old.

If your girlfriend buys lingerie she's Frost-ing someone else.

If you own your own bowling ball, your wife is fat and ugly.

"If you wear a t-shirt w/ Che Guevera on it, you have no clue who he is."

If your coat is identical to your boyfriend's, you're a moron also.

On a date, if you see one of her breasts there's a very good chance you will see the other.

If your one night stand has a dildo with a pull-start, you're int for a long night.

If a girl has a tongue ring, she'll probably suck your dick.



If a guy has a tongue ring, he'll probably suck your dick.







If you're not funny, you'll probably steal material from Chris Rock.

If you routinely pay over $3.00 for non-alcoholc beverages you own The English Patient on DVD.

If your wife didn't change her last name when you got married, she's probably never had your penis in her mouth.

if you post on gab, you'll be unemployed within minutes.

If you are a heterosexul male and your female blind date shows up as a) a white woman with black eyeshadow or b) a black women with white eyeshadow, say you just got a migraine and run like hell.

If it's the first time you're buying "Milwaukee's Best" or "Genesee" or "Pabst", you're probably 16 and sweating from nervousness.



If it's the second first time you're buying "Milwaukee's Best" or "Genesee" or "Pabst", you're probably 61 and sweating from the exertion of walking into the store.

Hey, I drive a hatchback and I've never had a student loan.

If you've been dating a guy for three months and you haven't met his friends, you're probably not his girlfriend.

If you've been good friends with a chick for ten years or more and suddenly she wants to Frost, wear a condom.

If you agree with the statistics, they must be 100% true.

Where's that from, Ford?

I would have credited it if I could remember.

If a woman smiles at you, it's okay to rape her.

If the defendant is named "Davarius" or "D'Swawn" he's guilty.

Rule of thumb?



hire a professional to drive any nails.

If you've worked at a dot-com, you're probably unemployed... or will be soon.



*sigh*

Speaking of rules of thumb...

Chinese Buffet + Squeamish = get there early.

Big thumbs





equal









big hands!

If she's fat, she has a bad personality.

If she's fat, and has a bad personality, you can blame Scooter, and we all know why.

People who want you to share your wealth with them, are very unlikely to share their abundant free time with you.

Always, no wait, never....

What, never?



Well, hardly ever!

Feeble- that ain't necessarily so!

Gilbert, Sullivan, and Gershwin - sounds like a New York law firm.

-If the video box shows a beautiful woman pointing a gun, the movie is Shakespeare.



Ahem. Aliens?



I stopped reading after that.

Feeble- yeah, and they practise in the Brill Building!

If you check out your friends shoes when they're not looking, they're not really your friends and they talk about you and you drinking problem behind your back.

Your friends keep their shoes in the library?

DR, I meant the obligatory sketch of a bikini-clab bimbo, not a woman in combat gear. Sorry about the misunderstanding.



Oh, and BTW, Sigorney says "Hi".

If you're an Emerson you can nab any woman in bed.

If you're a female under the age of 30 your thought process is similar to that of a hummingbird's.

But some of them scream when they wake up.

Every album done by The Stones after 'Exxile on Main Street' sucks

If they come into my store asking for textbooks without once ever conjugating the verb "to be," they're not even going to know what books they need to get.



Furthermore, they're going to get mad at me for being unable to tell them what books they need to get.

I be in math. What book mine? Where da math book?

"Where my book at?"

"I don't know, what class are you in?"

"Sheeeeeeeee-it, I'unno. Math."

"Okay, there are about half a dozen math classes this semester. What's the course number?"

"It got a bridge on it!"

"Ummmm...huh?"

"The book, it got a bridge on it."

"Ah. 'Beginning Algebra.' That'll be 86 dollars. Enjoy."

You work at the MBCC bookstore, Salsa?

i might as well, most days. my employers are not what you would call "selective" in their admissions policies.

MBCC = Monkey Basics Community College?

Mass Bay



same difference

If you read or stare at the yellow background text box long enough, when you read this thread it will be slightly purple.