Hallucinatory Hardware
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  119,938  37
02/17/2003 03:44 PM 171 views
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Recently I was shopping at a hardware store, the kind of hip urban hardware store where they play rock music over the loudspeakers, but just unhip enough that they still play the Beatles. As I was shopping for screws, "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds" began blaring over the loudspeaker. There was a college-aged girl working in the aisle next to me, unpacking cans of spray paint from a box. "You know," I suddenly blurted out, "this song is about drugs." Why did I say this? I really hate my brain. I have been so good to my brain over the years, and this is how it repays me.
"Oh really?" she said, eyeing me suspiciously. One hand gripped a can of spray paint a little more tightly, in case she might need to spray it in my eyes in order to make her escape.
"Yeah," I said. "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds? Get it? L.S.D.?"
"Huh," she said, backing away. The paint can was poised, and ready to bludgeon.
"LSD is a drug," I explained. "It makes you hallucinate." What was I talking about? Do I have Tourette's Syndrome? I must have Tourette's. I get myself in these situations, then all I can think is, well, at least I'll get a column out of this scene.
She went to the opposite end of the aisle, and pretended to straighten the shelves. I think she didn't want to be rude.
I decided to go for broke. "I'm on LSD right now," I informed her.
"Oooo-kay," she said softly.
"Why are your shelves on fire?" I asked her. "And WHY ARE THESE NOT MY FINGERS?!" I shook my left hand madly. "GET THESE FINGERS OFF OF ME!"
At this point, she actually ran. I figured she was probably going to get the manager, so I picked out my screws and hastily made my way to the checkout. Sure enough, as I handed over my money, I saw the girl watching me from the back of the store. Beside her was a portly, middle-aged gentleman, glaring at me disapprovingly.
"Hey," I said to the kid running the register, "what's that girl's name?"
He looked over, saw his manager frowning, and looked back at me suspiciously. "That's Sandy," he said.
"I have a very important message for her," I said. "Tell her that her hair is on fire." And with that I left the store.
The thing that cracks me up the most about this story is wondering whether he actually told her.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a world-renowned writer, author, storyteller, and recreational pharmacist. Past articles >>
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Side-splitting
61 votes
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24 Comments on "Hallucinatory Hardware"
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Mr. Virnomine 79,305  9
02/17/2003 03:49 PM
Strangely enough I call harrassing underage girls at random, 'shopping for screws' too.
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Declan McManus is dancing on broken glass,barefoot 117,066 15
02/17/2003 04:02 PM
People who shop voluntarily at places that model themselves after StarFrosts or Restoration Hardware deserve to be flogged.
and not with a wet fusili, either.
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Trae - Pixel Perfect! 156,293 13
02/17/2003 04:04 PM
Ohhhh I went to the coolest store the other day to get something for "the guy".
It's called Galeons (sp?). It's a HUGE sporting goods store. Amazingly enough I felt oddly at home there. Very cool store with everything for any sport imaginable. I didn't hear any Beatles songs though.
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Vex 5,944 9
02/19/2003 11:30 AM
Galeons
Galyans.
I used to tutor when I was a sophomore and junior in college. I mostly turored 17 and 18 year old high school kids getting ready for their SAT's or trying to pass Algebra 2. Anyway, I had the total hots for this one guy I tutored, and of course, our tutor-tutee relationship precluded any nookie.
So one day after I had stopped tutoring him, I ran into him at Galyan's (me, shopping; him, selling kayaks) and we [CENSORED] in the dressing room.
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Marilyn 12,458 11
02/19/2003 11:43 AM
Yeah, and Michael Jackson only had 2 nose jobs.
I was just thinking about LSD this morning after I was going on and on about how I thought my tunafish sandwich from yesterday had hallucinagenic properties.
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Miss Trixxie (Tavis has a tiny peenier) LeMay 64,605 13
02/19/2003 11:53 AM
That's what happens when your tunafish sammich is never defiled by soap or water or any other cleansing agent.
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Marilyn 12,458 11
02/19/2003 11:56 AM
Heeeeeeey, wait a minute!
Are you using tuna fish sandwich as a metaphor for....
*cries
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Mr. Gardenback 8,643 9
06/13/2003 11:23 PM
1. BullShakespeare.
2. I'm no Cheech Marin, but I have never seen anyone smoke LSD. I can't even begin to imagine how that would be done.
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Mr. Gardenback 8,643 9
06/13/2003 11:24 PM
On second thought, maybe that was the entire point of Lennon's comment.
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Livewire, the Canadian Information Minister 77,958 9
06/14/2003 12:19 AM
George Harrison said that actually, but he didn't mention smoking it.
Seriously, if you looked at everything you ingested under a microscope, you'd never eat or drink again.
"Oh my GAWD! There are things LIVING IN THIS CHEESE!!!!"
Duh. That's what makes cheese work.
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Frogpop 160,935 16
06/14/2003 02:48 AM
Cheese: Working today for a better tomorrow.
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Sally Struthers' Grandma 260 8
06/16/2003 11:12 PM
Isn't that the motto of the yeast infection?...oh yeah, maybe that does count as cheese...
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Mr. Gardenback 8,643 9
06/16/2003 11:19 PM
Haw haw.
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wolfman1308 0 7
11/21/2003 10:02 PM
"I'm on LSD right now," I informed her.
"Oooo-kay," she said softly.
Man that is so damn funny. Go drugs!!
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Emenius the Angry Fat Man 1,431 8
11/21/2003 10:53 PM
Wow, n00b found an article from way back when Virn was funny!
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Napalm, Slayer of Ewoks 155 8
11/22/2003 01:43 AM
Wow, n00b found an article from way back when Virn was HERE.
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The World Is Flat 143 6
01/25/2005 02:16 AM
that was really great. this is the second time this month that my ass has made a break for it while i proceeded to laugh it off.
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Mr. Briham 38,678 8
01/25/2005 02:23 AM
Trae, is this Galleon's a huge sports store in Chicago with a rock climbing wall? I was there last year! If I'd had known you had been there, I'd have licked the ground that I imagine you probably walked on.
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