Deflating My Ego
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  119,938  37
08/18/2003 12:07 PM 633 views
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 My wife's employer threw a summer party last Friday, a nice get-together held at the sprawling home of one of the executives. They had the party tent and the catered food, you know, the whole deal. Everyone brought their kids, so they also had the squirt guns and the kiddie pool and, most importantly, THE MOONWALK.
Yes, they had rented a full-sized, inflatable moonwalk for the kids to jump upon. Well, I was on that like white on rice. "Hey, can the adults jump on the moonwalk, too?" I asked our host the instant we arrived.
"No problem!" he said. "THERE IS NO WEIGHT LIMIT."
Sure enough, half an hour later, the CEO of the company was inside the moonwalk, jumping around with the kids, who thought this was great fun. He was playing "Godzilla," grabbing kids at random and tossing them around. The children seemed to be having a wonderful time, though I think they were just sucking up to the boss.
"Is that safe?" asked one of the parents, a little worried.
"You bet," said the guy hosting the party, smiling. "THERE IS NO WEIGHT LIMIT."
After about half an hour of this, the CEO gets out of the moonwalk, and I decide it's time to give it a try. I push my two-year-old through the zippered trap door, and I follow him in. I had forgotten they make it difficult to get in and out, so that kids won't accidentally fall out the door while they're bouncing around like astronauts on crack.
The moonwalk is filled with kids aged five to nine. It's like an *NSYNC concert. The kids are screaming, bouncing, flipping. Some are vomiting. I am sheltering my toddler from being trod upon. I had forgotten how annoying children can be, but some of them begin immediately insulting me.
"We don't want you in here!" one six-year-old girl says. "We want the other man!"
"My wife keeps telling me that, too," I respond.
"Play Godzilla with us!" another girl pleads.
"All right," I say. "I will play Godzilla."
Here's a tip: if someone else has already been playing Godzilla, and it's a hit with the kids, don't try to follow up with your own Godzilla. I start bouncing around, acting like Godzilla, tossing the kids around. Almost instantly, I am sweating and winded.
"We want the real Godzilla!" one boy yells.
"I hate you!" screams another girl.
"Oh yeah?" I say, feeling very much like Godzilla's less successful younger brother, Ken. "Well, what if I do this?" And with that, I lunge for the girl. She screams and jumps out of the way, but I land on the wall with such force that the entire moonwalk sways and swoons.
"You're going to break it!" the girl shrieks. "STOP IT!"
"It's okay!" our host calls out from across the yard. "THERE IS NO WEIGHT LIMIT!"
"BANZAI!!" I yell, throwing myself at a six-year-old.
At that moment, I hear an enormous KCCCH-WHOOSHHHHHHHHHH, and the ENTIRE MOONWALK BEGINS TO DEFLATE.
Now, the thing is filled with enough air to float a blimp, like Rush Limbaugh inflated the thing himself, and you would think it would deflate nice and slow. But the entire valve, which is two feet in diameter, has blown off the air generator, and the thing is sinking fast. I grab my baby, who is terrified -- as are all the other kids, who are screaming, clawing desperately for the escape hatch. Isaac and I are lodged in the back corner, and I try to giggle and make happy fun noises as yard upon yard of nylon and netting close down all around us. It's like being caught in Star Jones' jumpsuit.
In ten seconds, the entire moonwalk has flattened. The few kids still trapped inside are hollering, and a group of parents are trying to fit the valve back on the air generator, like firemen trying to fit a hose on a spewing hydrant. My toddler does not know whether this is a fun or a horrible experience. "Get used to it, kid," I mutter.
Now the entire party has stopped, all the employees have put down their plates of food and their beers and rushed over to see the idiot who deflated the moonwalk. Frantic parents are counting their children. Kids are crying. The odd pie fight.
Finally they get the air hose re-attached -- it literally takes two adults all their strength to fit it back on the pump -- and the thing re-inflates as quickly as it went down. In seconds, Isaac and I are bouncing around like rubber balls. And you know what? We have the thing all to ourselves. The kids are terrified to come back in.
I really am the better Godzilla.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is an author, performer, and the life of the office party. Past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
163 votes
5.0
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20 Comments on "Deflating My Ego"
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Rufus the Pubah 48,052  12
08/18/2003 12:10 PM
Those things are the great! We crashed a party with one and got in with all the kids. It was tons of fun bouncing the little ones off the celing.
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Beeblevirn 79,305 9
08/18/2003 12:16 PM
Star Jones' jumpsuit...brilliant. That line makes you legendary in my eyes John Hargrave.
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butternuts 14,362 8
08/18/2003 12:22 PM
Holy crap that was funny.
I'm surprised he didn't release the hounds on you.
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RapidChickens 244,402 20
08/18/2003 12:27 PM
Tell Jade to check behind her next paycheck for the pink slip.
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Catnippe 0 8
08/18/2003 12:44 PM
They recently had one of these bouncy things at our library carnival and the same thing happened! Most of the kids ran for the front, but I was left trying to find my child, who popped out of one of the holes on the canopy top and seemed fine. Then the air compressor kicked back in and the thing started to shoot up again with my three year old son on top. Thankfully some 7' tall freak of nature ran out of the crowd and snatched him off before he got too far from the ground.
Someone, somewhere, just wants to create these things to devour children.
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HemLloyd 48,285 12
08/18/2003 12:49 PM
What Virn said.
That's some good comedy right there.
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Gonzo Booky Doog 18,309 14
08/18/2003 02:50 PM
"My wife keeps telling me that, too," I respond.
A+
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John Hargrave 119,938 37
08/18/2003 03:24 PM
Catnippe, that anecdote cracked me up. I am glad you backed me up on how quickly those things deflate and re-inflate. It's like Pam Anderson's chest.
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danny_boy 2,210 9
08/18/2003 09:05 PM
Wow. That was hilarious.
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Mythology: Your trusted No Name Brand 4,872 8
08/18/2003 11:31 PM
Only thing I learned from that article is: They let anyone have kids these days.
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Boots at the Boar 2,296 9
08/18/2003 11:55 PM
They let anyone have kids these days.
They let anyone be a kid these days. THERE'S NO WEIGHT LIMIT!
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Mr. Slappy 6 7
08/19/2003 04:22 AM
Very funny story.
Now if that would just happen to some of the neighborborhood chlidren's birthday parties. There is one guy that is so anal retentive that he puts down a blue tarp then after the party he washes it by hand with a sponge.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,384 8
10/31/2003 12:45 PM
As long as we're spamming the GAB,
"Enlarge your penis"
"Reduce your mortgage"
"Stop smoking"
and finally
"Check out my webcam!"
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BrightEyes 5 7
02/28/2004 09:35 PM
Hah! This is true comedy gold, a treasure trove of pirate funny. I actually laughed out loud at this story...good job, Hargrave.
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The World Is Flat 143 6
01/30/2005 03:02 PM
Yes, HARGRAVE..... Good job. That was a superb column HARGRAVE. Oh, and HARGRAVE, I would just like to point out how manly 'BrightEyes' and I are for using your last name, HARGRAVE.
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Dr. Napkin Descartes 30,681 8
06/22/2005 01:54 AM
Almost as good as the latest Zugcast!
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TEDphat 6,395 8
06/22/2005 02:10 AM
"the kids are screaming, bouncing, flipping...some are vomiting"
Is that really as funny as I thought it was?
wait....
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bonehead14565 0 5
10/25/2005 11:36 PM
that was hilarious, good job
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