WISHBONE: Hi, this is Ella. How can I help you?



JOHN HARGRAVE: I was eating a bottle of Fat-Free Wishbone Italian Dressing the other day, and I noticed it says on the label that Wishbone is "The World's Most Colorful Taste."



WB: Uh-huh.



JH: What does that mean?



WB: OK, I'll have to go get a bottle of the dressing to confirm that for you. Please hold.



JH: Well, I was ...



[Hold time of 1:10]



WB: All right. Wishbone Fat-Free Italian is a flavorful reduced-calorie version of our best-selling Italian dressing. As for "The Most Colorful Dressing," it's just an ad slogan describing the explosion of flavor you'll experience when you eat the dressing.



JH: I see. But I didn't have an explosion of flavor.



WB: We'll replace your bottle with another variety.



JH: I've tasted newspapers with more flavor.



WB: I'm going to send you out a coupon booklet, sir, and you can exchange that bottle for another variety. Thanks for calling.



JH: I have another ques...



WB: Please hold.



[Hold time of 00:23]



WB: I'm going to transfer you to the help desk now.



JH: But I wanted...



[At this point, I'm rudely disconnected.]







WB: Hi, this is Cynthia. How can I help you?



JH: I just called and spoke with Ella. She disconnected me, and I'm very angry about that.



WB: I'm terribly sorry, sir. I can help you.



JH: Transfer me to Ella. I want to have it out with her.



WB: I'm not sure what happened there, sir. I'll be happy to talk with you, though.



JH: Cage match, or one-on-one.



WB: How can I help you?



JH: AS I WAS SAYING, this bottle of Wishbone says it's "The World's Most Colorful Taste."



WB: Yes.



JH: What does that mean?



WB: What does that mean? That means that it is, ah, it is the best-tasting salad dressing on the market.



JH: Have you tasted it, Cynthia?



WB: Yes I have.



JH: You think this is the best-tasting salad dressing on the market?



WB: If you don't like it, I'm happy to send you a coupon booklet...



JH: You're avoiding the question.



WB: It depends on what you like. Some people like regular, some people like the fat-free variety.



JH: I think it tastes like ass.



WB: Ah ... uh, I'm going to pass that along sir...



JH: Maybe I picked up the Ass variety by mistake.



WB: I'm going to send you a coupon booklet to replace that bottle.



JH: I mean, it doesn't even make sense. "The World's Most Colorful Taste." That's like saying "The World's Noisiest Smell." They're different sensory experiences.



WB: I'm going to pass on your comments, I'm going to let them know that you don't understand ... ah, you don't ... you, you don't like the slogan.



JH: Great! So they'll change it this week?



WB: I'm sure they'll maybe get back to you.



JH: You're sure they'll maybe get back to me? What does that mean?



WB: They often do call our consumers back, sometimes, yes.



JH: So I shouldn't hold my breath?



WB: Ah...



JH: Like I have to do when I'm eating your dressing?



WB: You may get a call back, yes.



JH: I, ah, I noticed in the ingredients that you add caramel powder for color. When you say "World's Most Colorful Taste," are you saying that you add more artificial coloring than any other salad dressing?



WB: I really don't know. Maybe you'd prefer a different flavor, sir.



JH: How about a different brand?



WB: I can only offer you the Wishbone brand.



JH: I've got to be honest, Cynthia. This was the worst salad dressing I've ever eaten.



WB: What I'm going to do is pass along your comments...



JH: And that includes the time I accidentally poured clam juice on my salad.



WB: Is there anything else I can do for you?



JH: Yeah. I'd like an apology.



WB: An apology?



JH: For manufacturing this dressing.



WB: I, ah ... would you like a refund, sir?



JH: Oh, all right. A full refund will do.



[She takes my address, which I dutifully provide]



WB: We'll send that out in the mail right away.



JH: Thanks.



WB: Goodbye.

Trixxie (Through me sum thin (Mister?) )Thibedeaux 64,605 13
01/09/2004 05:15 PM

You're on of those people who torment the third shift wait staff at coffee houses aren't you? Grow Up!

Trixxie (Through me sum thin (Mister?) )Thibedeaux 64,605 13
01/09/2004 05:15 PM

Kewl, First to post ;.) Larry Kings Hair.

Trixxie (Through me sum thin (Mister?) )Thibedeaux 64,605 13
01/09/2004 05:16 PM

Who Shakespeare in my red kool-aid?

psychaholic, a bear of very little peen. 4,855 11
01/09/2004 05:19 PM

Those are hard core phone jocks.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a flying nun! 1,409 8
01/09/2004 05:19 PM

fourth to post! eat that.

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a flying nun! 1,409 8
01/09/2004 05:20 PM

damn.

psychaholic, a bear of very little peen. 4,855 11
01/09/2004 05:20 PM

Neeners.

Freeze Dried Instant Coffee 10,290 10
01/09/2004 05:23 PM

You accepted a refund offer from a salad dressing company??



John...if you needed money, I can certainly spare a $5.

Trae - is a sassy goat 156,293 13
01/09/2004 05:24 PM

Heh



"Tastes like ass"



I think Aimless is the only one who can positively identify that for you John.

Trixxie (Through me sum thin (Mister?) )Thibedeaux 64,605 13
01/09/2004 05:27 PM

My muffens are warm, moist and delisioush, and don't you forget it.

no_key_bandit 76,384 8
01/09/2004 05:31 PM

Isn't "Fat Free Italian" an oxymoron?

butternuts 14,362 8
01/09/2004 05:34 PM

What, no intro? you just jump straight into the call? You're getting lazy, John Hargrave.



I wonder if their help desk is outsourced to India.



Funny call.



Switch to Ken's or Newman's own. Wishbone tastes like ass.

DemoMonkey, the Simian Who Would Be King. 165,779 8
01/09/2004 05:35 PM

Delicious ass?

butternuts 14,362 8
01/09/2004 05:45 PM

What's this about Aimless eating ass?

no_key_bandit 76,384 8
01/09/2004 05:46 PM

Free Delicious Fatass Italian!



...Wait



Delicious Free Fat Italian Ass!!



...no. Um...



Fat Italian; Free Delicious Ass!!!

Livewire 77,958 9
01/09/2004 05:51 PM

Where do you find these people? They roll over SO EASILY! Extremely funny call.



WB: I'm going to send you a coupon booklet to replace that bottle.



My response would have been: "While I have no doubt that the coupon booklet is far more flavourful, I'm really looking for something I can pour on a salad."

Sexual Harassment Panda 136,551 18
01/09/2004 05:56 PM

This article reminds me of the time I got the Prep H confused with the toothpaste.

Now, THAT tastes like ass.

But the burning itching sensation in my tongue went away, while my ass was minty fresh and plaque free.

The Great Vogonsky 18,309 14
01/09/2004 09:35 PM

There's gotta be an underground community for these phone-jockeys. Eventually, one of them is going to find ZUG.



It'll start with a call gone bad, where the operator outs you. "This is John Hargrave, isn't it?"



Eventually, though, your home and work numbers will get posted on alt.Shakespearety.phone.job.iwannakillmyself, and then the true hillarity will begin.



Good call, tho.

The Great Vogonsky 18,309 14
01/09/2004 09:37 PM

The ingredients say it contains "SPICE"! Either there's softcore porn in there, or it was made on Kessel!

ringworm 68,037 9
01/09/2004 09:45 PM

or possibly on arrakis.

DemoMonkey, the Simian Who Would Be King. 165,779 8
01/09/2004 09:53 PM

The spice must flow.

Swizzle 3,934 9
01/10/2004 01:49 PM

mmmm, melange!!

juggernautbaby13 400 7
01/10/2004 03:44 PM

<iJohn Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is an author, performer, and fearless defender of consumer rights (as long as the consumer is John Hargrave).



...if I give your the phone numbers of every "John Hargrave" in the metro Atlanta area, would you be willing to call them and assure me that their customer service needs are being met?

Jajoba 1,346 9
01/13/2004 09:55 AM

HA HA! I think I wet myself a little. hoo...

Oldbushie 0 7
03/04/2004 04:37 AM

I say Duracell is the most generous so far. I usually buy my hearing aid batteries from them, and one time they changed the packaging. Apparently the glue on the little stickers that protects the batteries was faulty in some of their batches, thus corroding the batteries. We called them up and got like 30 4-packs of batteries! Quite enough to last me a good two years at least. $100 value too.

Geidi 268 7
03/04/2004 06:30 AM

He who controls the Spice, Controls the universe!!!...

Evan Ruga 0 5
01/22/2006 03:36 PM

HOW DO YOU DO THIS STUFF WITHOUT LAUGHING!!!

gwallaia 3,473 11
01/22/2006 10:52 PM

JH: I mean, it doesn't even make sense. "The World's Most Colorful Taste." That's like saying "The World's Noisiest Smell." They're different sensory experiences.



My dog Sassy has loud smelling farts.