The Penis Prank, Part 2
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  115,416  15
05/06/2004 09:42 AM 182 views
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 For months, I have been receiving dozens of e-mails from the penis enlargement people. To test the effectiveness of these claims, I've decided to order penis enlargement pills, and update ZUG over the next two months with the results. I recently ordered my penis pills from an ad that promised I would "Gain 2 inches, 3 inches, or even 5 inches within 60 days. Guaranteed!" This is such a specific claim that I can't lose. In fact, I can only gain ... girth and heft.
But do I really need a longer penis? I'm faithful to my wife, after all, and she hasn't complained so far. But then my terrible self-esteem started to nag at me, and I had to get out a ruler ... just in case. I had to figure out where I stood on the bell curve of penises (which, to be really accurate, would need to be curved slightly upward).
So: what is the average penis size? The famous Kinsey Sex Report, considered by many to be the authority on such matters, says the average Snausage "is between 5 and 7 inches when erect." A more recent study by Lifestyles Condom Company, who I figure have seen more penises than the Kinsey people, puts the average at 5.877 inches. They obtained this figure by sending a team of nurses to Cancun during spring break, and having them measure the erections of hundreds of partying college students (sadly, I'm not making this up).
But what about width? In 2001, the University of Texas Pan-American put out a research paper entitled "Penis Size: Survey of female perceptions of sexual satisfaction." They surveyed 50 sexually active female undergraduates (making it the sexiest research paper ever) on whether length or width was more important to sexual satisfaction. My favorite line of the article is, "None reported they did not know," making me sad that I did not go to the University of Texas Pan-American. A surprising 90% (or 45 out of the 50 coed sluts interviewed) reported that width is more important.
So maybe the ultimate penis shape, I thought, is a tuna can: one inch long and five inches wide. Somehow I don't think so. You never hear women moaning, "Oh, give it to me wide. Give me several inches more in diameter."
 It turns out that you measure width by going around your penis. I discovered that this is difficult, unless you have one of those cloth tape measures that dressmakers use -- but if you own one of those things, you're probably not the kind of guy worrying about his penis size. At any rate, I tried to use my Craftsman tape measure, because I thought some of its testosterone would rub off on me. Unfortunately, I lost my grip on it and the tape measure snapped shut, seizing a patch of sensitive skin in its iron jaws.
After I finished screaming, I finally ended up using an ordinary ruler, and here are my measurements:
Length: 5.875 inches
Width: 4.125 inches
Do you see why I need these penis pills? I am .002 inches smaller than the national average, which is humiliating. Curse my parents and their recessive penis gene!
On the bright side, I found an easy way to gain an extra half-inch: simply push the ruler into your abdomen. Using this trick, I am now over six inches, or well above the average penis length.
But let's be honest. I'm one foreskin shy of the national average. I was kind of bummed out about this, until I saw a picture of Michelangelo's "David" on one of the penis enlargement Web sites. After all, David is the idealized male figure. You don't get more perfect than Dave. I spent several minutes today examining myself in a mirror next to a picture of David. I estimated that, if David were normal human size, his flaccid penis would be approximately 2.5 inches long. I RULE! My flaccid penis is bigger than David's! YOU MAY BE IDEAL, BUT I'M PACKING MORE VEAL!
On the other hand, he does have better abs.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is an author, performer, and future well-hung stud. Thanks to Longfoot from Georgia for the penis pills idea, and to the GAB community for the tuna can joke. Past articles >>
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Side-splitting
82 votes
5.0
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No_Key_Bandit 76,320  7
05/06/2004 08:24 PM
John, this is; what. Four articles in a row that you've done where you had to examine another man's penis. You're thinking of becoming a free agent and switching to the other team, aren't you?
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ringworm 67,940 8
05/06/2004 08:31 PM
i'd have to recheck, but i think i have a bigger weiner than hargrave (both dimensions!). ha ha, girly man. i hope those pills don't work.
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butternuts 14,359 7
05/06/2004 08:50 PM
making it the sexiest research paper ever
HAHAHAHAHA
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Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,128 7
05/06/2004 08:51 PM
Ringworm, there go your chances with your new room-mate.
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Drenius 10 6
05/06/2004 09:12 PM
Unfortunately, I lost my grip on it and the tape measure snapped shut, seizing a patch of sensitive skin in its iron jaws.
Hargrave! I just sprayed chai tea all over my monitor you funny little(yes, down there needle-dick) bastard!
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Drenius 10 6
05/06/2004 09:13 PM
you owe me another chai!
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ringworm 67,940 8
05/06/2004 09:19 PM
there go your chances with your new room-mate
oh, i lose about an inch when i'm drunk. i think we all know how often that happens.
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Frogpop 153,522 11
05/06/2004 09:30 PM
7.75" long and 5.25" round.
Now serving number 8.
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Frogpop 153,522 11
05/06/2004 09:38 PM
whoops.. I seem to have scared everyone off.
I meant to say 4" and 3", how's that?
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DeadMike 3,378 6
05/06/2004 09:39 PM
Is this guy average?
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Frogpop 153,522 11
05/06/2004 09:46 PM
no. He hangs out with gooks to make himself feel better.
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BobJohnson, Rocket Robin Hood 164,648 8
05/06/2004 09:47 PM
I had to figure out where I stood on the bell curve of penises (which, to be really accurate, would need to be curved slightly upward).
Heh.
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Blue-Footed Boobie 21,637 6
05/06/2004 09:48 PM
<action>can make up numbers too</action>
12 3/16" Long, 5 32/64" Wide
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ringworm 67,940 8
05/06/2004 09:58 PM
5 32/64"
you can reduce that fraction to 1/2".
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helloclarice 11 6
05/06/2004 10:11 PM
this "experiment" keeps getting better and better...
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DemoMonkey. Marching on Paris. 165,606 8
05/06/2004 10:32 PM
The only accurate way to measure a mans length is from the base of the penis to the fingertips of the hand holding the platinum card.
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Hardrockwank 642 6
05/07/2004 02:49 AM
Just average, but at least I got a lovely skin chandelier hanging behind it which really goes well with the oriental carpet I have weaved since the adolescent years.
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butternuts 14,359 7
05/07/2004 02:51 AM
I have to give John credit. I don't think I would ever take a metal tape measure anywhere near Little Nutbutter.
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Whistler P. McManus 135,851 13
05/07/2004 05:40 AM
Has anybody got a ruler I can borrow?
Nice work, Jeff. In the name of science, of course.
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Chaudair 109 6
05/07/2004 06:43 AM
You know a better way to accurately measure the width would have been to get a piece of string, wrap it around until you have the width, then measure the length of string on a ruler.
Just in case you wanted to know.
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Frozen Chicken 948 6
05/07/2004 07:55 AM
Wait a sec. . .
I thought this was the ideal male form.
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peter dont smoke no leftova crizack 1,847 6
05/07/2004 07:58 AM
the average is 5.87something when bonerized?
thats pretty weak, america. YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF SMALL PENISED GIRLY-MEN!
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ringworm 67,940 8
05/07/2004 08:23 AM
They obtained this figure by sending a team of nurses to CanCarrollhat's cancun, mexico.
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Lunchjob 14,617 7
05/07/2004 12:26 PM
*cough* 6" x 6" *cough*
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The Foot 14,060 8
05/07/2004 12:52 PM
6x6?
Boxknob?
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MoDeL CiTiZeN 45 6
05/07/2004 02:04 PM
wow, i never thought i would have to say this to one of your articles jeff, but T M I!
oh, but i have you beat in both categories anyways so that made up for it i guess
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No_Key_Bandit 76,320 7
05/07/2004 08:57 PM
Lets see if this works.
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Frozen Chicken 948 6
05/08/2004 03:07 AM
Just trying to do you all a favor.
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Frozen Chicken 948 6
05/08/2004 03:09 AM
Trying again!
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Frozen Chicken 948 6
05/08/2004 03:15 AM
Third time's the charm?
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Boots at the Boar 2,296 8
05/08/2004 08:21 PM
Well, in that case, you can probably blow yourself too, so I don't think it matters.
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the flying nun 1,409 7
05/08/2004 11:38 PM
Has it happened again? Why is everything italicized?
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the flying nun 1,409 7
05/08/2004 11:38 PM
?
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Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,128 7
05/08/2004 11:39 PM
I think your computer's broken. You'll have to get a new one.
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peter dont smoke no leftova crizack 1,847 6
05/09/2004 08:36 AM
johnny-san! stealing jokes from your own AUDIENCE?!
may satan himself stick pineapples up your bum. (and i thought of that one myself)
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peter dont smoke no leftova crizack 1,847 6
05/09/2004 08:37 AM
oops.
bad call by that dude above
at the bottom it says "thanks to the gab readers for the tuna can joke"
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TheZaniak 0 6
05/10/2004 12:25 PM
Did my end italics tag help?
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TheZaniak 0 6
05/10/2004 12:26 PM
Clearly not.
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Boots at the Boar 2,296 8
05/10/2004 08:47 PM
<action>slaps forehead.</action>Sorry dude the witdh is the diameter of the object not the circumference.
cir= D x Pi or D= cir/Pi
Glad to see you've got the mad math skillz. Maybe you should study the liberal arts a lil' more. In this context, width refers to the side-to-side measure of a cylindrical object cleaved on a radial axis; similar to how you would measure the width of a fruit-rollup.
Now, get to your next class, freshman.
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lewisje 0 6
07/21/2004 01:05 AM
6.5" long, 6.25" around...
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Polo Chukker, is a girl 4,454 6
08/21/2004 09:47 AM
7.75" long and 5.25" round.
Now serving number 8.
Frogpop-
I must say that you are vastly underestimating yourself here.
-Number 8
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Frogpop 153,522 11
08/21/2004 10:03 AM
Damn you, and your search engine.
and my big mouth.
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Polo Chukker, number 8 4,454 6
08/21/2004 10:05 AM
'and my big mouth'
no, no, not your mouth
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The World Is Flat 143 6
01/25/2005 07:35 AM
I can't honestly think of anything funny to post. but i did decide to inform you of this.
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THESTALKER 0 0
03/15/2006 06:11 AM
John not wanting to side track this conversation, after reading your measurements I have some questions about your penis
1 is it red?
2 if you tap it with your finger nails does it eminate a sort of tinny ring?
3 if you take a firm hold around the corona glandis and look at it end on is there a small opening tab i.e. ring pull?
4 does it have some cursive font running down the side that says COCA COLA?
because your measurements seem to be discribing a can of coke!
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THESTALKER 0 0
03/15/2006 06:12 AM
these are questions that should be answered
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THESTALKER 0 0
03/15/2006 06:18 AM
Because if I had a penis the size of a coke can I would be joyous.
Instead of the little man that ihave become
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guzbag 112 4
03/16/2006 04:55 PM
Someone needs to kill this bitch^.
Kill you.
Okay, you're dead now.
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Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,515 12
03/16/2006 10:21 PM
Why is it that I'm waiting for somebody to post that got into an accident using a steel tape measure and got cu open when it retracted.
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