The St. Anthony Challenge
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  119,938  37
05/21/2004 04:02 PM 613 views
|
|
 Even though I'm not Catholic, I have come to believe in the power of St. Anthony, the patron saint of finding lost stuff. Whenever I lose something, which is often, my wife reminds me to pray to St. Anthony. And you know what? He has about a 98% track record in finding my crap. I mean, that's better than God Himself, who only answers my prayers about 32% of the time. Next time we vote on Supreme Being, St. Anthony might just get my vote. Ever since the Dark Ages, God's been losing His edge.
So the way it works, apparently, is that each saint has his or her areas of specialty, or "patronage." St. Anthony, for instance, is also the patron saint of shipwrecks, pregnant women, and horses. Why the horses need a patron saint is beyond me, since they're always throwing their riders, paralyzing them for life. I think we need a patron saint to protect us from the horses. But that just goes to show how good Anthony is. The horses will one day murder us in our sleep, because our patron saint sucks, compared to St. Tony.
Anyway, I recently lost my PalmPilot. This is not good. My Palm is my life. So here's the deal: I'm issuing a public challenge to St. Anthony to help me find my Palm. If he finds it, I will give $150.00 to charity. If he doesn't find it ... well, that's like saying "If Courtney Love gets off drugs." It's just unthinkable.
See, despite his finding about $25,000 worth of lost items for me, I have never once done anything in return. Recently I was talking to this Catholic chick (a nun) who suggested I could make a charitable donation on behalf of St. Anthony. I thought it would be more fun if I could turn it into a charitable wager.
So I went on eBay and looked up the going rate for a Palm V (the model that I lost), and found that I could pick up a new one for about $75, plus shipping. Then there's the headache of getting it reinstalled, which we'll say is an hour or two of my time. I HotSynced a few weeks ago, so I don't have to worry about re-entering all my data, except the recent stuff. So I think that $150 is a fair price for finding my PalmPilot, and it will go to the charity of St. Anthony's choice. It's like one of those celebrity poker tournaments, except with a dead guy.
Now, I can easily pass a lie detector test that I have no idea where my PalmPilot is. I checked all the usual spots: my briefcase, under the car seats, in my ass, etc. I swear to God, and his 32% success rate, that I have no idea where it is. So here comes the prayer, which I found on the Internet and modified slightly:
Dear Saint Anthony, you are the patron saint of horses, and the helper of all who seek lost articles. Help me to find my beloved PalmPilot so that I will be able to make better use of my time for God's honor and glory. Also, it had my recent penis measurements, without which I cannot properly finish my article. Grant your gracious aid to all people who seek what they have lost -- especially those who seek to regain God's grace. And please punish the horse that threw Christopher Reeve. Amen.
Trust me, this guy can find it with his harp tied behind his wings. This is kids' stuff for Tony P. That cat could find the body of Jimmy Hoffa, if he weren't so busy blessing all the horses and turning them into merciless killers.
Stay tuned. He's going to help all you heathens find faith. That'll be the biggest miracle of all.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is an author, performer, and altar boy. Past articles >>
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Side-splitting
41 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942186
|
|
|
|
|
|
Also Recommended on ZUG:
|
|
23 Comments on "The St. Anthony Challenge"
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942192
Fratberry 233,941  23
05/21/2004 04:07 PM
What an elaborate ruse to hide the fact that the "herbs" made your penis smaller.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942194
Professor Nutbutter 152,466 14
05/21/2004 04:09 PM
If your wife loved you she'd replace it with an identical Palm Pilot the way my mom did when my hamster died.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942202
Kellogg's Porn Flakes 3,943 10
05/21/2004 04:16 PM
I'd like to see a hamster get HotSynced.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942204
Gavvo 1,756 8
05/21/2004 04:17 PM
"...My Palm is my life..."
Amen brother. Amen.
Oh you meant the Palm Pilot...
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942282
Professor Nutbutter 152,466 14
05/21/2004 05:35 PM
When I asked the fairy if he knew what happened to my hamster he mumbled something and ran off to the bathroom with a pair of salad tongs and a flashlight.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942286
Trae: Queen of the Harpies 156,293 13
05/21/2004 05:43 PM
Damn it I wish I could click your for that.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942290
Professor Nutbutter 152,466 14
05/21/2004 05:44 PM
She wants me.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942298
sandman 0 7
05/21/2004 05:49 PM
i think your on to something with this sait thing maybe he could find my sack i lost them about three years ago when i said i do
did you see any prayers for that kind of loss???
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942302
Chickens en mis pantalones! 244,402 20
05/21/2004 05:53 PM
Fairies
lost palm pilot
goatse link
so many possiblities...
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942304
Chickens en mis pantalones! 244,402 20
05/21/2004 05:54 PM
Oh, and John, you know you're screwed now right? Prank emails to God and the Saints tend to get the bad things started.
be prepared for a visit from St. Constanza, the patron saint of shrinkage.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942306
Trae: Queen of the Harpies 156,293 13
05/21/2004 05:57 PM
Or come up with a blessing really quick to get the blessing back!!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942425
Boots at the Boar 2,296 9
05/21/2004 08:48 PM
and altar boy.
Now, with even more white meat.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942426
Boots at the Boar 2,296 9
05/21/2004 08:51 PM
And is there a patron saint of blow jobs? I really need to get on my knees and pray more.
Err, that's not what I meant.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942503
MoDeL CiTiZeN 45 7
05/22/2004 12:19 AM
wow, you must be talented to fit a hyperlink into a prayer! im still tryin to figure out how to do that. i mean, talk about the bandwidth id get!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942597
Frogpop 160,935 16
05/22/2004 03:44 AM
I'm once-born, twice shy, babe.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942609
Miracles 22,406 0
05/22/2004 05:06 AM
Frogpop is funny. That made me giggle.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942615
Frogpop 160,935 16
05/22/2004 05:16 AM
Hello dear, are you new?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=942759
Hypersmack 56 7
05/22/2004 09:49 AM
This is hyperspaz!
*Lifts leg and pees on thread to mark his scent.*
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Store
