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How To Write A Trashy Romance Novel: Part The First
by Lady Scarlett Covington and Curtis, Duke of Malone
There are over 3 billion vaginas in the world, and attached to every one of them is someone who will buy and read absolutely anything with a shirtless Fabio look-alike embossed on the cover.
Shocked? You shouldn't be, it's a documented fact*. And you - yes you, sitting on the couch in ratty Spiderman underwear and covered with Twinkie crumbs - could be making a fortune off that fact. How? By writing your own romance novel! It's so easy a brain dead moron could do it, and if a brain dead moron can do it, so can you!
That's why we here at "Thing You Didn't Know You Needed Inc." (tm) are proud to bring you the most brilliant literary collaboration since those transvestite hacks Gilbert and Sullivan hoarked up "The Mikado" during a 5-day absinthe binge in a Dutch bordello**. Ladies and gentlemen (but mostly ladies), we present the ultimate guide to literary success, your ticket to personal fame and fortune: The Covington- Malone 9 Step Guide To Romance Novelling.
Step 1: The Cover Picture
You only have a few seconds to grab your potential readers attention, so a good cover is absolutely vital. That's why finding the perfect one is your first concern, long before tiresome details like style, plot, or character development. Remember, your potential buyer may hunger for romance the way hillbillies hunger for lobster, but the bookrack in the Piggly Wiggly is crammed full of other romance novels. You need to make them choose yours.
The perfect cover picture needs to show a magnificently muscular man and a fantastically buxom woman. (Unless you're going for an alternative market. We don't judge.). An essential piece of clothing should be inexplicably absent on at least one of them. The mans pants, if he wears them, should be of the breech variety, tight enough to show his sex but not quite so tight as to show his religion***. Shirts should be both flowing and frilled, with no apparent form of fastening. The woman's dress, if she wears one, must be in imminent danger of leaping entirely off her torso at any second, exposing enormous heaving bosoms that have received no artificial enhancements. (Or so she says, the plastic bitch). The horse and castle in the background may remain unclothed.
Step 2: The Title
The title of any good romance novel needs to be stamped out in a beautiful cursive typeface, as sinuous and flowing as the silken tresses of your heroine. Preferably in the gaudiest metallic ink obtainable. This type of font is, of course, almost completely illegible, virtually guaranteeing that potential buyers will pick your book up in order to try and puzzle out the titles mysterious (but no doubt spicy!) meaning.
The actual words of the title must include some combination of the following:
Passion
Lovers
Aflame
Embrace
Destiny
Hero
Trousers
Nights
Dreams
Bodice
Midnight, and of course
The.
When these choice words are assembled you can come up with an almost limitless number of exciting titles, such as: "Passionate Embrace." Using just the base words "Passion" and "Embrace" you have instantly alerted the horny potential reader that your books' characters share 'Passionate Embraces' a-plenty! Other examples include "Bodice Dreams", "A Hero's Night's" and "Trousers Aflame", all of which have their own varying degrees of cheesy allure when proudly embossed on the cover. Take the time to find the one that's right for you.
Step 3: The Characters
There are two standard requirements you must meet when creating characters with the Covington-Malone system. The first is that you must give your characters exotic and exciting names. Do not underestimate the vital importance of this! Outrageous names such as Lady Scarlett Covington of Witltonshiresouthhamptonburrough for the woman, and Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides for the man, are completely appropriate. When actually used, all names must be said in full, as seen here:
"Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides, you will never triumph over me! My virtue is whiter than the cloth of the Lord!"
"Ah, but I swear my saucy wench Lady Scarlett Covington of Witltonshiresouthhamptonburrough, you will be in my bed tonight, or my name isn't Lord Dominic St. Bride of the London St. Brides!"
See how the names are used repeatedly? This is crucial, as the average readers are frequently too lusty to remember which characters are speaking, or moaning, respectively. Other excellent, though far fetched, names to be used are: Mistress Trae O'Hara of Atlanta-by-the-sea, Sensei Fellipe Chi-Chi of the house of his father the most honorable Kang, Lady Daggsrina Steanova, Princess of Russia and of course mad King Geoffrey of the Land of Hargraveington.
The second requirement, of course, is that the man must be highly experienced in the manners of lovemaking and the woman a hapless virgin. There is no excuse for forgetting this; in a true romance novel, all women are naives and all men are rakes. They must meet by chance; she is perhaps a servant in the master's home, or she wishes revenge on him for a wrong done to her family. He, on the other hand, must be instantly taken by the fiery beauty that she seems unaware of.
All these musts are a must.
Next week: Setting, story and dialogue - or where, why and how hot are the dirty bits!
Footnotes
* Documentation may be imaginary.
** See "Fear and Loathing in Rotterdam"
*** This joke is, of course, stolen. So sue us.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
43 votes
5.0
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0 votes
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Chris 'Mufftaur' Garrett
12/07/2004 04:16 PM
I stopped reading at "Fabio."
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0 votes
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Styles McFresh
12/07/2004 04:18 PM
Then you missed out on a muy bueno article, my fine bovine friend.
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0 votes
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Wonder Bread and Butter
12/07/2004 04:19 PM
Oops. I should learn to read.
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0 votes
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Oh ChristmasTrae
12/07/2004 04:28 PM
man must be highly experienced in the manners of lovemaking and the woman a hapless virgin.
Well then, Mistress Trae O'Hara will be a perfect name.
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0 votes
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newwave (under the mistletoe)
12/07/2004 04:41 PM
Flaming trousers? Not exactly my idea of a good time.
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey. Period.
12/07/2004 05:23 PM
I stopped reading at "Fabio."
Yes Mufftaur, but after you cleaned off the monitor and zipped up, did you read the rest?
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0 votes
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Feliz Daisypie
12/07/2004 05:45 PM
You had me at 3 billion vaginas in the world...
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey. Period.
12/07/2004 06:57 PM
For those of you who enjoyed my parts of this collaboration, I get all the clicks in the right hand half of the tube.
I'm just saying, is all.
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0 votes
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The Decked in Holly Priestess
12/07/2004 06:59 PM
These articals were inspired by my vast collection of trashy novels, which I'll be selling next on GAB.
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The Decked in Holly Priestess
12/07/2004 10:31 PM
Yea, there are 2 more parts. Notice the title "How To Write a Trashy Romance Novel, Part the First"?
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0 votes
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Jantastic
12/08/2004 03:10 AM
?Trousers Aflame?
You might want to see a doctor about that.
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0 votes
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Lunchbox and his Raging Yule Log (of Justice)
12/08/2004 08:10 AM
my cousin wrote a trashy romance novel and it got published. Emily's Destiny, by Sherry Terry (yes, that's her real name).
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey. Period.
12/08/2004 03:08 PM
The alarming thing is how much that picture looke like Priestess and I. It's uncanny!
(Coming today: Part the Second! Stay tuned.)
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