Blackballing the BlackBerry
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 02/16/2005 12:42 PM | 125 views
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 My friends, there is a digital scourge upon the land, a great electronic pestilence, and its name is the BlackBerry.
Who likes the BlackBerry? Only BlackBerry users. Everyone else hates them. Let's take a recent e-mail message I received from a BlackBerry user:
Cant make calltoday 100 have to jet ta
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld
It's like a telegraph from a retard. By "100," did he mean 1:00? Was he cancelling the 1:00 meeting, or telling me that 100 people have to jet? Maybe he was saying that the average IQ of a BlackBerry user is 100. Hard to say. Hard to read.
The only thing intelligible on most BlackBerry messages is that annoying disclaimer, "Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld." All is forgiven, in other words, because you're mashing your meaty, overweight thumbs on a device with Chicklet-sized keys. "Forgive me that this message should require a team of advanced linguistics experts to decipher," the default disclaimer should read, "because I'm sending it from my BlackBerry wireless handheld." If I ever begin using a BlackBerry -- please God no -- I will change the disclaimer to:
Please forgive me for the unreadability and general unhelpfulness of this message. All prior communication between us has just been derailed because of my two-line, badly misspelled, cryptic response. It would have been better not to have replied at all, but what are you going to do. It was sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld
"Oh, but I can't imagine life without my BlackBerry," insisted one of my BlackBerry-challenged friends.
"Yes you can," I said. "It's called one year ago."
"Look," he argued. "With the BlackBerry, everyone can reach me, all the time. I'm always available." This is the same guy who won't look at me while we're having a conversation because he's typing on his goddamn Crackberry.
"You're the least available person I know!" I shouted. "Every time we talk, you're putting your nose in the BlackBerry again!"
"Hmm," he said. This was new information. "Well, you could always try e-mailing me."
Nothing is sacred to these people, as these fictional e-mails illustrate:
sorry cant respond i am burying my grandfather
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld
one sec getting a pap smear
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld
banging my girlfriend right onw but i say yes go for the johnson proposal oh yes feels nice
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld
Why is it called a BlackBerry? Blackberries are sweet and tangy, with a firm and juicy texture. They should call it the Dingleberry, because it stinks. In fact, that's what I'm going to start calling them from now on. One day -- we can only hope -- we will finally see a truthful tagline:
Sent from my Dingleberry wireless handheld
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, thinks it's funny that the Dingleberry is manufactured by a company called RIM. (Not a joke.) Past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
109 votes
5.0
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0 votes
0.0
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TheFoye
02/16/2005 12:47 PM
I didn't read it yet I'm too drunk, but maybe...
first to post!
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0 votes
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Chris Garrett
02/16/2005 12:47 PM
frst 2 post
From My Blackberry Wireless Handheld.
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0 votes
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TheFoye
02/16/2005 12:49 PM
YES I've always wanted to do that! Who says it doesn't pay to be a drunk! IN YOUR FACE CHRIS!
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0 votes
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TheFoye
02/16/2005 12:49 PM
I meant drunk not "a drunk"
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TheFoye
02/16/2005 12:53 PM
I have made a powerful enemy today methinks!
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Steven The Knob Jockey
02/16/2005 12:54 PM
if the dingleberry is as Shakespeare as john says, i might just my visa for america
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0 votes
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AntUK
02/16/2005 12:59 PM
Don't hate the gadget, hate the goons using them
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Steven The Knob Jockey
02/16/2005 01:04 PM
i said cancel u stupid computer keyboard. rasha fasha Frost donkey
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0 votes
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The Reverend Oliver Chest
02/16/2005 05:59 PM
I have one of those blackberries. Have had it for about 6 or 7 months. It has been in the glove box of my car for about 5 or 6 months. It's Frost-ing worthless.
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0 votes
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Fratberry
02/16/2005 06:51 PM
Fratberry has no comment at this time.
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0 votes
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Aimless the Worm Goddess
02/16/2005 06:57 PM
If I remember correctly (and I am a woman who never forgets and is NEVER wrong) Jay uses a blackberry. ARE YOU CALLING JAY RETARDED JOHN????
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SpecialKake
02/16/2005 07:00 PM
The Schnozzberries taste like schnozzberry!
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erOhead
02/17/2005 12:46 AM
Thanks for supporting Canadian engineering...Now go forth and become addicted to the Crackberry!
I go to the University of Waterloo, where the founders of RIM come from, and about half the university has been donated by them.
Oh, and as we speak, about 10 of my friends are working on RIM jobs...
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Frogpop
02/17/2005 07:55 AM
i say yes go for the johnson proposal
Rule number 1: ALWAYS go for the Johnson proposal as it is the awesomeist.
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0 votes
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One Mile Wide
02/18/2005 03:33 AM
Sent from my Dingleberry wireless handheld. Almost spewed on that one.. Imagine the first moron to type out his manifesto, while driving, on one of these diseases to society and causing a 300 car pileup cause he had to ask his buddy what's up?
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Bert Stemple
02/18/2005 05:22 AM
I'll be the first one to admit to hogging two lanes of the expressway, while trying to deal with a meltdown at work.
I also like to send emails to myself.
Sent from my Raspberry
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0 votes
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The World Is Flat
02/22/2005 12:17 AM
I really can't say which is funnier. The comment "cuz he's typing on is gaddamn Crackberry" or the fact that I just spit purple Kool-aid all over my cat when I read it.
"Ah-HA! Backsass me, bitch?
look at you now!" (I really said this to my cat, but I was thinking something more along the lines of "That'll teach you to walk on my keyboard!")
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0 votes
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The World Is Flat
02/22/2005 12:21 AM
Attention*Attention Subliminal Message
Benny the Cat has this statement to make:
onjhcv we3z./ '"xzs
Thank you for your cooperation.
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