HILTON HOTELS: Thank you for calling Hilton guest assistance, where the customer comes first. My name is Miss Brown, how may I help you?



JOHN HARGRAVE: Miss Brown, I was staying in one of your hotels recently, and there was a little card that said you're committed to conserving our natural resources, so please hang up the towel if you don't need it washed.



HH: [Silence]



JH: Do you know what I'm talking about?



HH: No.



JH: [Pause] You do work for Hilton, don't you?



HH: Do you have a complaint today, sir?



JH: Yes. I'm complaining about the card.



HH: I don't know about this card, because I don't work in a hotel.



JH: Geez, I just thought you might know what's going on in your own hotel rooms. Maybe I should call someone else.



HH: [Changing her tune] I, ah, I can document your concern.



JH: Look. I'm just wondering - why not include fewer towels? I had, like, eighteen towels in my bathroom.



HH: Mmm-hmm.



JH: I went into your health club, and there were literally stacks of towels in the locker room. It was like a Bed, Bath, and Beyond outlet store.



HH: Well, they're going to have plenty of towels in the health club, sir.



JH: But you're "committed to conserving our country's natural resources." Why not just use wet-naps?



HH: [Pause] They're not going to do that.



JH: And let's take the shower in my room, which put out about 20 gallons per minute. Why don't you guys put in an energy-saver facuet?



HH: I'm not sure what an energy saver is.



JH: Hang on! Hang on, lady! I thought we were "committed to conserving our country's natural resources." You don't know about energy-saving faucets?



HH: Not in a hotel. The comments I get from our guests is that they really like the nice showers.



JH: Also, you guys air-condition each of the rooms, and I wanted to conserve energy by opening the windows, but I couldn't - they were sealed shut!



HH: Right, because they're not going to do that. They don't want anything like a suicide attempt.



JH: Which I felt like doing, because of all the energy we were wasting! Then, I went down to dine in the hotel restaurant, and I asked them not to wash my plate after I was done with the meal, so we could conserve water. They just smiled at me!



HH: That doesn't make sense.



JH: Then I snuck into the kitchen and saw them washing my plate!



HH: They're not going to serve food on an unwashed plate. That's just nasty.



JH: Nastier than destroying Mother Earth?



HH: Look, this is just not going to happen.



JH: All I'm asking for is an unwashed plate or two, just like you're asking for an unwashed towel!



HH: All right, sir. We will take that into consideration.



JH: You also have a giant fountain in the lobby, very beautiful, but it's hundreds of gallons of water running down a three-story wall. Could you turn it off?



HH: I'm not sure.



JH: Why do you have escalators?!



HH: Same reason we have elevators!



JH: Exactly! Waste of electricity, both of them! I wanted to haul my bags up 15 flights of stairs so I could conserve energy, but your stairwell doors are locked!



HH: Why would you do that?



JH: TO CONSERVE ENERGY!



HH: I don't understand what you're saying, sir.



JH: Do you need lights?



HH: Uh ... well, do you use lights in your home?



JH: Only when I run out of candles!



HH: I see. Well, I will be sure to pass these comments along.



[At this point, my three-year-old, who I thought was upstairs taking a nap, wandered into the room unexpectedly.]



ISAAC HARGRAVE: Daddy?



HH: Hello?



JH: Look, they make excellent friction flashlights that don't need batteries; you just shake them.



IH: [Climbing into my lap] Unga.



HH: I can pass your comments along to our management.



IH: [Wrestling the phone from me] Daddy. Ooga. Oooh-ga.



JH: It's more than enough light to check in guests in your darkened, quiet hotel lobby.



HH: Okay.



IH: When are you getting off the phone?



JH: Look, I've got to go. I need to save the Earth for my child.



HH: All right. Thanks for calling Hilton guest services.



JH: The children are our future, you know.



IH: Daddy. Come on.



HH: I know.



JH: Goodbye.

beetsworth 305 6
03/25/2005 10:50 PM

First to post!!!

Jopeck 395 7
03/25/2005 11:05 PM

second!

Scorpion 4,063 8
03/25/2005 11:33 PM

tird?

PuggyD 48,209 10
03/25/2005 11:42 PM

John, maybe it's been brought up before, but you do realize it's guys like you being a dick that results in such disgruntled customer service workers? You're really not doing us any favors.

fabulounik 8,449 9
03/25/2005 11:47 PM

He's just trying to save the world...Jeez. I for one thank him.

Big Irish Guy 184,940 13
03/25/2005 11:54 PM

I thought he was trying to provide a comedy website where woman bared their breasts for acceptance. And on that note, WELCOME TO GAB fabulounik

fabulounik 8,449 9
03/25/2005 11:55 PM

Well that too.

NavyBoy_teh_Satanist 19,844 11
03/26/2005 12:00 AM

I will never again stay at a Hilton. I made reservations at the Narita/Tokyo Hilton a couple years ago. When I arrived, instead of a double occupancy, smoking room, my reservation was for a single, non-smoking room. They eventually changed it, but they were not happy about it.



Their best restaurant, advertised all over the hotel (including in the information booklet located in the rooms) had been closed for 6 months, though they never bothered to change their info and advertisements.



I was also not allowed to use their gym or swimming pool, because I have tattoos!

DentedCan 20 6
03/26/2005 12:14 AM

NavyBoy_teh_Satanist: Does your tattoo say "I have herpes?"



I refuse to stay at a Hilton. I worked at a 4 star hotel; folding laundry with 3 old women (and I was a 20yr. old guy at the time).



The bed spreads get washed every other election year. The thought of laying down anywhere Paris Hilton has made a video would leave me up all night gagging in a mist of Lysol.

natsirt 0 6
03/26/2005 06:02 AM

"Actually, that's one damn valid point. Who wants to use a towel someone else's naked body has been all over? Eww."



They don't give your used towel to someone else. They leave the towels in your bathroom instead of getting you clean ones. I'm sure once you check out, regardless of where you put the towel, they put all new clean towels in the bathroom.

supergrover 4,497 7
03/26/2005 06:59 AM

Or at least you hope so. I for one get a thrill from the idea of another person's body having already sharing my towel...

mmmmmm that's right, dry yourself off baby

One Mile Wide 78 7
03/27/2005 12:44 AM

Actually, that's one damn valid point. Who wants to use a towel someone else's naked body has been all over? Eww.

Actually I think there is a website devoted to that kind of behavior...

Frogpop 162,849 17
03/27/2005 10:24 AM

Ten bucks says its HoB.

shoelace414 10,072 11
03/30/2005 02:20 PM

how does not washing a towel "save" water? it's not like we have a finite supply of water and washing it turns it into carbon-dioxide and makes the plant warmer..



no, it goes into the sewer and ends up back inthe water supply.

Shmoeda Globa 45 6
04/04/2005 11:59 PM

Really? Cause' just the other day I what appeared to be a wad of used toilet paper in my beer.

Shmoeda Globa 45 6
04/05/2005 12:00 AM

please add "found" between 'I' and 'what'