MAPQUEST: Thank you for calling MapQuest...



JOHN HARGRAVE: I'M LOST!



MAPQUEST: [Long pause]



JH: I'm TOTALLY LOST from YOUR DIRECTIONS!



MAPQUEST: Um ... OK, I'm not sure what you want me to do about this.



JH: You can HELP ME! You're the MAP company, aren't you!?



MAPQUEST: We don't usually give directions over the phone.



JH: You work for MAPquest, right?



MAPQUEST: Yes.



JH: So can you look it up on one of your MAPS?



MAPQUEST: Well, I can try to help, but I have no idea where you are, sir.



JH: I'm trying to find 150 Clarendon Street.



MAPQUEST: I ... ah, I have no idea what city you are in, sir.



JH: THAT MAKES TWO OF US!



MAPQUEST: OK. Can you spell the name of the street?



JH: C-L-A-R-E-N-D-O-N. It's in Boston. I think I'm in Boston. But man, this is not a good area. MapQuest has really taken me to a bad part of town.



MAPQUEST: What street are you on now?



JH: HOW SHOULD I KNOW!? Your directions say "Bear left on UNNAMED ROAD." What does that even MEAN?



MAPQUEST: I have no idea. I'm guessing the street just doesn't have a name. I'm not trying to be smug, I just don't know.



JH: Is it really an unnamed road, or you just couldn't find the street sign?



MAPQUEST: You'd need to call our Denver office for that. They do the web site.



JH: Are you guys too lazy to figure out the name of the road? Why didn't you ask somebody?



MAPQUEST: Sir, could you stop and ask someone there for directions?



JH: No way. There's a group of Hispanic guys on the corner, and they look kind of angry. One of them has a razor blade around his neck.



MAPQUEST: Oh my.



JH: Hang on. Oh, I'm sorry, it's a locket. It looked like a razor blade. I caught a glint in the sun.



MAPQUEST: [Uncomfortably long pause]



JH: How we doing on those directions?



MAPQUEST: Can you spell the name of the street again for me?



JH: Oh, geez. One of them is coming over here.



[At this point, I played two parts.]



JH [as Hispanic guy]: What the Frost are you looking at, amigos?



JH: Hi, I'm just trying to find directions...



JH [as Hispanic guy]: Why don't you get the Frost out of here then?



JH: Right, I'm leaving. I'm sorry. Very sorry.



JH [as Hispanic guy]: El ma's MapQuest es un servicio muy malo!



JH: [Back to the MapQuest lady] You've got to get me out of here. You've got to help me.



MAPQUEST: I'll try. I really apologize for any inconvenience. What street are you on?



JH: THE UNNAMED ROAD!



MAPQUEST: OK, what comes after the unnamed road?



JH: It says to turn left on St. James Ave. But it says 0.0 miles. What does that mean?



MAPQUEST: I really have no idea.



JH: Why would you tell me to go 0.0 miles? Doesn't that mean to stand in place?



MAPQUEST: Sir, do you have a phone number where you're trying to get to?



JH: Why?



MAPQUEST: Could you call and ask for directions?



JH: Great. Maybe you could just put a disclaimer on the end of MapQuest driving directions that says PLEASE IGNORE THESE USELESS DIRECTIONS AND JUST CALL FIRST.



MAPQUEST: I am trying to help you, sir.



JH: Who codes this stuff? Horses?



MAPQUEST: I really don't know. You'd have to contact them.



JH: The horses? I'd have to contact the horses?



MAPQUEST: OK, can you spell the name...



JH: Oh no. He's ... hang on. Hold on?



MAPQUEST: Yes.



JH: STAY AWAY FROM ME! NO! GET AWAY! [I was now running down a busy street in Boston, carrying my laptop and cellphone. Coincidentally, an ambulance drove by me with its sirens on as I was running, adding to the effect.]



MAPQUEST: Sir? SIR?



JH: Hang on. [Breathing heavily] You there? Are you still there?



MAPQUEST: I'm still here.



JH: I found a dumpster to hide under.



MAPQUEST: Are you OK?



JH: Oh no.



MAPQUEST: What?



JH: I left my 3 year old in the car!



MAPQUEST: YOU DID WHAT?!?



JH: Oh geez.



MAPQUEST: Sir, you HAVE to get back and help that child! You cannot leave your child in a bad neighborhood like that!



JH: I know! I panicked! This is all MapQuest's fault!



MAPQUEST: We need to help get you back right now. Do you want me to phone for help?



JH: Oh, you know what? Hang on. Aha ha ha. I see it. It's just right across the street. There it is!



MAPQUEST: You found it?



JH: There's 150 Clarendon. I was just across the street this whole time! That's great. That's just great. Thanks a lot.



MAPQUEST: You go back and get your child!



JH: Viva La MapQuest! Thanks for your help!

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,720 8
04/22/2005 03:01 PM

Way to close the Italics tag, dumbass.

ooooo, Erotic Kakes! 55,318 10
04/22/2005 03:02 PM

FIRST!



I think you were in MY neighborhood. Eastie, w00t!

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,720 8
04/22/2005 03:02 PM

Curses, you fixed it just to make me look stupid. Curse you Jeff!!

ooooo, Erotic Kakes! 55,318 10
04/22/2005 03:04 PM

I wish we could hear mp3's of your phone calls, John. IF they really happen!

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,720 8
04/22/2005 03:08 PM

Yeah right, this crappy server can barely host webpages, let alone MP3s!

ooooo, Erotic Kakes! 55,318 10
04/22/2005 03:12 PM

We SURE are using a lot of exclamation marks!

Vlad The Impaler (Purveyor of aMurder.com) 19,532 10
04/22/2005 05:52 PM

John, that was easily one of your best pranks. Nicely done.

Delightful Delirium 296 7
04/22/2005 06:02 PM

Real conversation or not, I still laughed my ass of. BTDT. Bravo!

I am Jack's Overactive Thyroid 6,828 7
04/22/2005 06:02 PM

Mapquest really do suck my balls. Kudos to you.

No_Key_Bandit 76,384 8
04/22/2005 06:03 PM

HA!

HA HA! (I say!)



"THAT MAKES TWO OF US!"



Comedy Gold!

Traclo 74 6
04/23/2005 01:16 AM

Classic. That was aewsome,

Sir, you HAVE to get back and help that child!

Oh my god I almost died at that part.

Frogpop 160,935 16
04/23/2005 02:12 AM

We should give out some sort of Zuggy award for customer service people who remain cheery and helpful in the face of extreme obtuseness or lunacy.

(FlyingHippo, close bracket) 1,243 8
04/23/2005 02:22 AM

<action>Clutching side from laughing</action>

JH: I left my 3 year old in the car!



MAPQUEST: YOU DID WHAT?!?

Itchy Gooch 439 8
04/23/2005 02:11 PM

It's sad that a funny guy like you is also a racist bigot, Coleridgesucker.

The High Priestess of Steaks 49,925 13
04/24/2005 12:52 AM

You know John, as much as I hate Mapquest with the burning passion of a hundred fried Jews, I didn't think thast was funny at all. When you prank call people and use their own stupidity agains them, that's funny, because they are dumb. But when you deliberatly trick them, it's not.



*hops off soapbox*

Pope Chickens the Fruitful 244,402 20
04/25/2005 03:29 PM

Why doesn't Mapquest have a "seek other routes" feature? If it gets it wrong the first time, there is no way to seek for another option.



And there should be a "senic routes" option. If I want to take an extra hour to get to the grocery store but in the mean time see the world's largest termite hill, I should be able to.

Jajoba 1,346 9
04/26/2005 07:13 AM

hahahaaa... whooo. I haven't laughed that hard at a Hargrave articles in a while...

fruitCake 14 6
04/28/2005 05:53 PM

you guys seem Google's new map feature? It's pretty sweet. check it out.

Candie Kohrne 8,607 11
04/28/2005 08:24 PM

Priestess, I'm with you.



It's not funny to lie to and alarm a nice customer service individual who is just trying to do her job. What's funny about pranking someone who is courteous, thoughtful and conscientious?

supergrover 4,497 7
04/28/2005 11:34 PM

Preachy people suck my imaginary balls.

newwave 45,850 8
05/11/2005 12:03 PM

All I hear is "wah Frostin' wah, my Poe hurts." Double plus good article.

TableTopJane 171,320 12
05/11/2005 08:55 PM

Oh, good. The crowd from Fark is starting to show up. Everybody, bend over and grab your ankles. This isn't going to pleasant.

Banjoman 40 6
05/13/2005 12:25 AM

Racially Sensitive, Politically Correct, Nice, Blah Blah Blah.

Important thing is that it's funny as hell.

Traclo 74 6
05/14/2005 11:16 AM

Choosing the Hispanic guy was racist and insensitive. We all know it would've been a black thug.

lmpyjrhead 0 6
08/03/2005 10:50 PM

JH: No way. There's a group of Hispanic guys on the corner, and they look kind of angry. One of them has a razor blade around his neck.



MAPQUEST: Oh my.



JH: Hang on. Oh, I'm sorry, it's a locket. It looked like a razor blade. I caught a glint in the sun.



Truly genius. I would say this is easily one of the funniest prank calls you've ever made.



And I just had to add how rude a copule of people were by calling John racist. It was all in the nature of good comedy. I am a Hispanic woman, and I am not offended in the least, by this article. I actually found the very bad Spanish translations hilarious.



"El ma's MapQuest es un servicio muy malo!"



Too funny. =D

sasquatchhunter 0 5
09/29/2005 06:16 PM

O my god this is gotta be some of the funniest Shakespeare ive seen

KANE 5 5
09/29/2005 10:01 PM

Map Quest really does suck. good job, very funny.

foxybill42 615 4
03/20/2008 08:46 AM

To Mr John Hargrave
The head of this gang
Your pranks are so cool
They go off with a BANG

The jokes that you pull
We read every day
A Hardon in Church
Viagra you say

The weird stuff you eat
That makes you sick
These are the stories
We love to pick

I wrote this poem
Cause I'm your fan
To let you know
You Are The Man

Whistler P. McManus 153,839 31
03/21/2008 03:36 AM

Even the other 41 Foxy Bills think you're a tool.

UofL3000 19 4
01/20/2009 01:38 AM

Genius

Gonzo 18,309 14
01/20/2009 04:15 PM

Yes, what do you want?

tHe HaLogEn aNaTomY 19 2
04/02/2009 05:04 AM

"I found a dumpster to hide under."

And then I fell off the couch.

Tali S Woman 24 4
07/07/2009 07:04 PM

OMFG, John, you're so funny.

If I keep laughing this loudly I may get fired. Loved the "I left my 3 yr old in the car"

Major Inconvenience 105 6
07/12/2009 10:42 PM

go back and get your child!

omg.

my GPS is just like that. When I try to get into Philly it takes me on all these windy roads and around the city into New Jersey and onto the toll bridge.

BoomGoesTheDynamite 0 1
08/01/2009 07:44 AM

Oh God. I created an account just to let you know how hard i laughed at this, especially when you said you left your three year old in the car and the lady was like, You Did What?! Yeah, hilarious dude!

Rodion Raskolnikov 0 1
08/05/2009 10:54 AM

Man... I laughted so loud !!!!!

Count Ravos 43,452 14
08/05/2009 11:47 AM

For 4 years straight infact!

mielke 1,446 4
08/21/2009 09:09 PM

Both my wife and i could not read this as we were laughing so hard we were crying!!!! Frost-ing excellent work!!!