Reality TV: the Alternative to Having a Real Life
A comedy article
by erika the killjoy  76,033  8
06/13/2005 01:00 AM 136 views
|
|
In the past few years, a new phenomenon has overtaken the television airwaves. It is the sick, twisted lovechild of soap operas, game shows, and a lot of crystal meth: it is reality television. Anyone can be a star these days if they are willing to relinquish all their rights, pride, and footage of them on the toilet to the eager TV audience. Networks are making millions from reality TV, all the while laughing at the idiocy of the American public who hasn't realized that it is all the same damn show. Sure they all have catchy titles, like "Who Wants to Marry my Creepy Albino Stepbrother?" or "Survivor: Fallujah", but at their core they are all one basic show with slight aesthetical variances. It is always a group of people from different backgrounds thrown together into an extreme situation and then told to act normally, which is about as easy as making Donald Trump's hair look good. The result is always a predictable sequence of fights, romances, scandals, and twists.
Even the cast of characters on these shows are predictable. The typical television viewer's attention span is so short that stereotypical models must be used to enable a viewer to understand a character's role quickly and easily. In a half hour show, you only have about twenty-three minutes of actual programming, what with all of the corporate whoring that needs to be accomplished. Since the key to reality TV's success is the ability to keep viewers glued to their seat, character development had to take a backseat to plot advancement. Networks brought in teams of Russian scientists to find the perfect combination of people to create the most sensational storylines. The formula that they came up with is known as the Frostov Equation, which is named after the great Dr. Vladimir Frostov, the man who first came up with the idea of putting homosexuals in the same casts as homophobes.
Networks still use the Frostov Equation when choosing the cast for new reality TV shows, and therefore on every reality TV show you can expect to find the same group of people:
The "black/ African-American" man and woman- invariably, they are immediately drawn to each other, as the only people of their particular culture. They soon find that they cannot stand each other, though, as one of them is always "ethno-centric" and the other is not. The only differences between the networks' presentation of these characters is whether it is the male or the female that will only listen to rap, speak ebonics, and walk around demanding reparations. In virtually every instance, there is immediate sexual tension, followed by complete repulsion.
The "gay" man and woman- Reality TV likes its gay men, and it likes 'em flaming. The gay man, as represented by television, is dumb, promiscuous, and will have nothing to do with any manner of physical exertion. Except dancing in clubs with sweaty shirtless boys.
The lesbians must be butch. Lipsticks need not apply. They also must have a righteous cause that makes them better than everybody else in the environment. Hairy armpits are a plus. The gay faction of any given reality TV show will usually end up disliking each other for reasons almost identical to the black faction.
The "Tokens"- There has to be an element that rural America can identify with. This is usually handled by inserting a "farm-boy" and "girl-next-door". The farm-boy will be the epitome of genteel, and the girl will be a shy cutie that is going to college on a full academic scholarship. They will become fast friends, and there may or may not be sexual tension. They are not familiar with black or gay people, and will struggle to show that they are "OK with it". The Tokens are cast into the program to show that not all people are jerks.
The "Partiers"- They are represented by the "Jock/ Frat-boy" and the "Slutty/ Smart-ass" girl. This is fairly self-explanatory, as we have all been annoyed by these self-absorbed drains on society. This couple is the Goofus to the "Tokens" Gallant. They are usually drawn to each other, and there is almost always a layer of sexual tension. Until they sleep with each other, then decide to be friends. Then sleep with each other again. It's a virtual merry-go-round of bad decision making and stupidity.
And finally, The "Wildcard"- This role varies from show to show, and really is the only way to tell the shows apart. It could be the "Antagonizer" girl (frequently "Goth", as this shows what an individual she is), a "regular guy" (probably has a family that he is trying to support with any money to be had from the show), or an "old person" (that is going through a mid-life crisis, and is not-so-gracefully losing the battle).
For some reason, being on a reality TV show makes a person lose all common sense, morals, and general concern for their lives outside of the TV show. Normal, average-Joe types of people (not to be mistaken for the actual "Average Joe" guy, as he was obviously some sort of snaggle-toothed mongoloid creature) who have never done anything remotely exciting or crazy in their lives are suddenly eating horse rectum that have been marinated in an amazing quantity of blood and feces, and jumping out of airplanes naked while juggling flaming torches. People who have been in healthy relationships for years suddenly have the urge to throw away all the happy memories with their significant others. The All-American football player who'd been completely devoted to his high school sweetheart (except for that one crazy night with his frat brothers) is suddenly completely infatuated with the uniqueness of the smelly vegan girl with legs like a Wookie. The small town virgin discovers she is a bi-curious nympho with a latex fetish and a penchant for sadism. As presented to the viewer, we are to believe that all of this happens within the span of a week or two.
So what is it that makes the people on these shows turn into complete morons? Is it the prospect of fame, the prizes, the TV cameras, or the mind altering drugs that are slipped into their water? Whatever the reason, watching regular people make total asses of themselves weekly is what is really so attractive to the viewing audience. Reality TV is getting more and more outrageous as time passes, as networks try frantically to come up with the next hit show. As networks compete to come up shows with bigger and bigger shock values, the ideas are getting exponentially dumber.
For example, a few weeks ago I was sitting on my couch watching television with a few friends, when a commercial came on that grabbed all of our attention. It appeared to be an ad for new reality show entitled Tiny House, which basically seemed to be the tale of a newlywed couple who were forced to live in a dwarf-sized house for an entire year. There were clips of them trying to sleep in the tiny bed, cook with the tiny dishes, and sit on the little couch. As I sat there, in shock over what little it took to pass for a TV show these days, my friends start making comments about how this show looked hilarious and that they could not wait to see it. As I was preparing to rip out all of their ovaries to ensure that they would not be able to continue to contaminate the world's gene pool, the narrator spouted out the show's tagline: "The drama will be real, but it won't save you any money on car insurance."
That night I came to the conclusion that people will watch anything these days if it fits into the reality TV genre. And who can blame them? It has all the best parts of real life, without actually having to leave your couch and interact with other people! Why go to college, work hard, and try to do something meaningful with my life when I could make millions coming up with ideas for new reality shows? It probably took about 3 minutes to come up with the idea for "My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance", and I have lots of minutes to think of ideas! I suspect I'll be a millionaire by the end of August with my new plan. While studying the reality TV shows already on the market, I came up with some great ideas of my own. Here are two of my favorites:
For Love or Dogma- Here, we take one sexy single Born-Again Christian man, who is rich from his ever-growing ministry, and put him in a mansion with 100 single and ready to mingle bachelorettes. The twist is, not all of them are Christian! We will throw in some Jewish girls, some Buddhist girls, maybe even a few savage Wiccan women! They will all be taught how to properly act Christian, including learning the lyrics to contemporary Christian rock songs, how to quote single passages from the Bible to win an argument, and how to properly shame heathens. Our bachelor won't have a clue that he is living amongst sinners, and ultimately will have to choose one girl to marry. Only after he has proposed will he find out her true religion, and if she is not one of the 50 Christian girls (and she won't be because we will choose 50 unattractive Christian women with halitosis) he will have to choose which is more important: love or his religion. Hilarity ensues.
The Mendicant- Similar to Martha Stewart's impending spin-off of The Apprentice, the Mendicant is another show that takes Donald Trump's idea and changes it up a little. It will take the rejected applicants from the first two seasons of the Apprentice and pit them against one another in a strenuous competition. However, it will differ greatly from the original show, since the teams will be competing to see which one can run a successful business into the ground the fastest. The grand prize will remain a secret from the contestants, and only the home audience will be aware that they are merely competing to win a refridgerator box in an alley behind a liquor store. Whichever contestant is the last loser standing will become The Mendicant, and will be provided with those luxurious quarters, and they will be provided with a shopping cart and a few cans to begin their new life with.
You can expect to find these new shows, as well as a few other gems that I have in the works, in Fox's new fall lineup.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Side-splitting
35 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1218719
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
24 Comments on "Reality TV: the Alternative to Having a Real Life"
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1227721
dropkick brody 41,925  9
06/25/2005 04:46 PM
<action> refreshes big brother website </action> What? They put a Northern Irish girl in last night, wearing nothing but a fig leaf bikini.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1227723
Big Irish Guy 184,627 13
06/25/2005 04:50 PM
"The "Partiers"- They are represented by the "Jock/ Frat-boy" and the "Slutty/ Smart-ass" girl. This is fairly self-explanatory...until they sleep with each other...Then sleep with each other again.
So when are we going to hang out again?
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1228093
erika the killjoy 76,033 8
06/26/2005 02:27 PM
Holy Shakespeare, I go away for a few days and look what happens. I guess what they say is true, a watched pot never does boil, but as soon as you look away it will overflow, scald your feet, and make a big ole mess.
Oh and for anyone who didn't know, Mr. Sir was my partner. Anyone who did not click this article out of their immense dislike for me may now click for him.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1228174
Mr. Sir 66,582 7
06/26/2005 07:28 PM
If y'all don't fill that pee-tube for Erika, I will bump this article indefinitely.
This article and ChiChi's cap-con will never leave the board... You have been warned.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1228442
Mr. Sir 66,582 7
06/27/2005 09:07 AM
Seriously.
I'm not kidding.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1228608
erika the killjoy 76,033 8
06/27/2005 12:24 PM
I heart my partner.
</shameless bump>
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1228629
Duuuuh - Comes in 32 Flavors! 24,135 7
06/27/2005 12:39 PM
Awesome article Erika, I totally agree. While watching TV at a friend's house, she and her GF got all excited about watching a reality tv show about an airport. I simply stood up and left.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229331
Mr. Sir 66,582 7
06/28/2005 09:30 AM
Good Morning, everybody.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229808
Mr. Sir 66,582 7
06/28/2005 05:28 PM
<action> stretches in seat...</action>
Whew, glad today's almost over.
Looong day at work. How was your day?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229809
erika the killjoy 76,033 8
06/28/2005 05:30 PM
Best. ProAm. Partner. Evar.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229811
Roofie Raccoon 56,498 8
06/28/2005 05:31 PM
That's getting annoying.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229815
erika the killjoy 76,033 8
06/28/2005 05:34 PM
It's also a little embarassing. It's kind of just rubbing in the fact that people did not like my article. Still, the effort is endearing and I appreciate it.
Mr. Sir, we may have to let it die. Apparently not everyone thought it was as hilarious as we did.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229830
erika the killjoy 76,033 8
06/28/2005 05:50 PM
GOD DAMNIT!!
I will file your clickie mentally I suppose, and know my poor baby should have one more.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229831
PrincessBritt 4,721 7
06/28/2005 05:50 PM
I clickied it when I read it.
Sad Fact: The "Tiny House" Geico ad is one of my favorite commercials.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229835
Big Irish Guy 184,627 13
06/28/2005 05:56 PM
I am still waiting for Cap'n Dan to shamelessly bump ours. So I will just have to keep this one at the top of the topic list.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229836
erika the killjoy 76,033 8
06/28/2005 05:59 PM
I hope this backfires in your face and people start clicking it just to spite you.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229838
Big Irish Guy 184,627 13
06/28/2005 06:01 PM
Why wouldn't I want you and Sir Mr. Sir of the band Mister Mister to get clickies?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229840
erika the killjoy 76,033 8
06/28/2005 06:02 PM
Um...because I don't know.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1229848
supergrover 4,497 7
06/28/2005 06:07 PM
I really like any show with celebrities on it. And by celebrities, I mean people who were only B stars to begin with and are now washed up ones at that. It doesn't matter if it's a reality show or not. When I see a group of people who were once treated like semi-royalty giving up all dignity for one last chance in the spotlight...I don't know, but it touches a place deep inside me, where I haven't been touched since grade school.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1233220
Mwahiy 5,417 7
07/02/2005 08:10 PM
I grew up sniffing Highlighters...
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1233222
Ditdah, sick of counting 117,677 11
07/02/2005 08:13 PM
I thought GAB was the alternative to having a real life?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1251503
Frogpop 160,935 16
07/29/2005 01:16 AM
Thanks dick.
Awesome article! Had not seen before! A+++++++-+!!1 Would steal from again!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1251528
ChainsawGutsfuck 56 6
07/29/2005 01:44 AM
hey you should see this reality show in japan. some guy is naked and living in an apartment with no windows or any contact to the outside world, he is given only?@pens and magazines and he must survive off of the winnings of magazine sweepstakes. my host family here has it on dvd, because the show ended years ago, but the guy had been in the apartment over a year.
|
|
|
|
Store