Taking a Bathsheba
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 08/17/2005 03:51 AM | 445 views
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 Recently, one of our Christian friends bought our three-year-old a book entitled "The Picture Bible for Little People." It's not an illustrated Bible for midgets, as I originally thought, but for children. Although I am sure that dwarves would also enjoy the lively illustrations and simplified morality tales, especially since the book is small enough to grasp with their stumpy fingers.
One night before bedtime, I was reading to Isaac from this book, and we came to the story of David and Bathsheba. Now, this is one of the dirtiest and most violent stories in the Old Testament: totally inappropriate for kids. It goes like this [check out the Lego version if you think I'm making this up]:
King David, it seems, is a voyeur. He's checking out this hot chick, Bathsheba, taking a shower. She's married, and her husband is off fighting in King David's army. He gets crazy horny and has her brought up to the mansion where they do the nasty all night long, in every position invented at that time (the missionary position, surprisingly, was not introduced until 1954).
Anyway, he knocks her up. David knows he's got to cover his ass, so he brings her husband home from war, in hopes that he'll bang her and then think it's his kid. David gets her husband loaded, but the guy is so loyal to the King's Army, or the Sabbath, or something (I'm retelling this from memory) that he sleeps out on the front porch. He's such a good guy that he doesn't pork his wife, even when he's hammered, and on a three-day leave.
So David has no choice but to kill him. He puts him up in the front lines of battle, and is happy to hear when the enemy finally slices the guy open, his entrails falling upon the battleground where his fellow soldiers slip upon the wet, bloody mess. [Here ends the reading of 2 Samuel 11. Amen.]
Totally inappropriate for children, right? Now, it's true that most of the Bible is inappropriate for children: from the explicit nudity right at the beginning of Genesis, through the bloody execution of Jesus, to the final fiery apocalypse in Revelation, the book is filled with killing, rape, torture, and horror. Cut out the "Love your neighbor" parts, and you've got Caligula.
But Bathsheba and David in a kids' Bible? My friend didn't believe me when I told him they included this story. But here's the proof:
 My favorite detail is King David thoughtfully stroking his chin, as if he's shopping for a new chariot. I get no sense that he's planning a hot twelve-way with Bathsheba and his other concubines. Man, it's good to be the king. Unlimited hot concubines. They're legalized girlfriends, you know. I think they're kept in some kind of closet, the concubine closet, and you only call them out when you're ready to bang. Isn't this the way it works? Someone clear this up for me, preferably someone who is in a position of royalty.
Check out Bathsheba in the picture Bible. I'll admit, she's not much to look at with the black dots for eyes, but check out the discarded clothing draped sexily over the wall! And the way she towels off in the public courtyard -- she's an exhibitionist! No wonder David got a boner! Man, this thing is WAY too hot for kids. In fact, I'm taking the kids' picture Bible up to bed with me tonight for some extra-special "devotional" time.
We have to give the author credit, however, for ending the story at "But when David was sorry for what he had done, God forgave him." The true story involves God punishing David by killing the child that he conceived with Bathsheba. [2 Samuel 12] It would be awkward to end the story with, "And then their baby died, because God was angry. Good night, sweetie." Or, "After David had an affair with Bathsheba and then killed her husband, God got him back by killing their baby. Sweet dreams, precious."
So they cut to the chase: the kid dies, but they make another one. And he turns out to be Solomon, one of the greatest kings of ancient Israel -- who, it must be pointed out, had over 700 wives and 300 concubines. He was not only the wisest of kings, but also the sluttiest.
But hey, what do you expect with parents like David and Bathsheba?
John Hargrave is the King of Dot-Comedy, a title that does not entitle him to any concubines, unless he pays for them on an hourly basis. Past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
121 votes
5.0
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0 votes
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The High Priestess of Stewie
08/17/2005 02:11 PM
Bathsheba looks like a young boy rather than a smoken' hot babe.
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Chickens
08/17/2005 02:18 PM
extra-special "devotional" time.
Bible masturbation = red hot ticket straight to hell
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0 votes
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dropkick brody
08/17/2005 02:19 PM
After David had an affair with Bathsheba and then killed her husband, God got him back by killing their baby. Sweet dreams, precious.
Please to be writing a Bible book for children. I would totally read it.
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Roofie Raccoon
08/17/2005 02:31 PM
Best article EVER. I'm going to print it out and hand it out at church!
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Whistler P. McManus
08/17/2005 04:08 PM
Fantastic! I love the lego bible.
By the way, I stroke my beard exactly like David did whenever I'm looking over some hot chick.
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Professor Nutbutter
08/17/2005 04:15 PM
Christ on a bun, I had no idea Christians were such violent, twisted people.
That's why I'm a scientologist, man. I need at least some sense of reality.
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Duh-Dum-Dum
08/17/2005 04:15 PM
Is it me or does the guy on the cover of that book look a little too much like Bob Villa?
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Tchaiz
08/17/2005 06:47 PM
Are you making a generalization about carpenters?
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hoshi
08/18/2005 03:25 AM
awesome story... i'm just waiting for some bible-nut to rant about how john's corrupting children
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Frogpop
08/18/2005 05:09 AM
Wow, no wonder Hitler hated the Jews.
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twisat
08/18/2005 04:23 PM
Is it me or does the guy on the cover of that book look a little too much like Bob Villa?
Not Bob Vila -- I think it's Merrill Osmond
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robous
08/18/2005 05:40 PM
I'd love to see that story done on 'Flannel-Graph'.
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killerstarfish
08/18/2005 06:30 PM
Maybe I'm a complete idiot, but I can't find the David and Bathsheba story in Lego format. Help?
Oh, and awesome story.
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HartmanTwins
08/18/2005 06:57 PM
So first David kills a guy because he's bigger than him and then he plows another man's wife. God's champion is starting to seem like a rectal wart.
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Lunchbox, bowel movement warehouse
08/18/2005 08:30 PM
I think the real issue here, John, is that you're teaching your kid Christianity.
worst. religion. evar.
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Lunchbox, bowel movement warehouse
08/18/2005 09:53 PM
Every time you use an emoticon, Jesus clubs a cherub to death with a leper.
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turtle10 - the forgotten gabber
08/18/2005 10:52 PM
Why do all articles vring out the legion of n00bs?
Great article though. At least there will be some funny in hell.
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Ithillion
08/19/2005 12:26 PM
Every time you use an emoticon, Jesus clubs a cherub to death with a leper
No way!
:) :( :p :o :* ;) :'(
bwahahaha.
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Millie
08/20/2005 02:19 AM
Because he was joking.
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Humphrey needs a new headlight and a panel-beater
08/22/2005 08:39 AM
Every time you use an emoticon, Jesus clubs a cherub to death with a leper.
Lunchbox, I actually looked up one of your old posts to click you for that.
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kyla12345
08/22/2005 01:56 PM
I didn't even get past the first paragraph the first time I tried to read this article because I spent so much time laughing about the dwarves that by the time I was ready to continue reading I was late for a meeting. Yay.
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jayleau
08/30/2005 06:32 PM
The COOLEST part is that, if you read the bible passage, Bathesheba's husband is Uriah the Heap.
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