Prank Call to Barbie, Part 2
A comedy article
by John Hargrave  115,421  15
11/19/2008 08:33 AM 1175 views
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The world-famous Barbie doll, they say, is "anatomically correct." But as everyone knows, underneath that fun, flirty beachwear, she's just smooth molded plastic. I called Mattel to ask if they could make me a Barbie that was truly anatomically correct, but they just hung up on me.
So I decided to make my own.
Step 1. First I bought matching Ken and Barbie dolls from KB Toys. "KB," incidentally, is what I call Ken and Barbie, only I spell it "Kay-Bee."
Step 2. Next, I disrobed the young lovers. Observing their lack of anatomy, I wondered: how do they pee?
Step 3. Ken's fingers are all glued together, rendering him incapable of fine motor tasks such as typing, or playing the zither. So I cut off his little finger to use as a makeshift penis.
Step 4. I cut a bit of hair from the back of Ken's head and glued it to his pubic region: a hair transplant, in reverse.
Step 5. Using a wad of Play-Doh, I fashioned a small scrotal sac. If his man-satchel seems a bit darker than the rest of his body, that's because he had a scrotum transplant. G.I. Joe generously donated his ballsling to Ken, just before dying in an epic battle with Cobra Commander.
Step 6. The fingerpenis wouldn't stand up straight, but that just added to the anatomical correctness.
"How's it hanging, Ken?" "Oh, a little to the right."
Step 7. Moving on to Barbie, I was faced with the challenge of what size drill bit to use for the most realistic vagina and anus. I went with a 1/8" bit for the cooter, and a 1/16" for the pooper.
Step 8. In order to make Barbie truly anatomically correct, I felt one nipple should be slightly higher than the other. Hey, nobody's perfect, even the elegant everygirl who's everywhere: Barbie(R)!
Step 9. For Barbie's body hair, I experimented with using her long, silky mane, but it was too golden and luxurious. So I took more plugs from Ken's head and affixed them to Barbie's crotch and armpits. Anatomically correct, in my book, means no shaving.
Step 10. Finally, I snipped a few of her golden strands, gluing them back as fine, unshaven leg hair.
So there you have it: Kay-Bee, anatomically correct at last.
If you ask me, it was pretty successful plastic surgery.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and author of the upcoming bestseller Prank the Monkey. Click here to read past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Funny
47 votes
3.7
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0 votes
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Loopy 6,823  5
06/14/2006 08:26 AM
FIRST TO POST BITCHES
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Happy PhartSack 10,977 10
06/14/2006 08:43 AM
John
Who's dick looks like that?
I think we need trixie to evaluate ken's dick for accuracy.
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Humphrey B Eating Chicken Curry 51,033 8
06/14/2006 09:34 AM
Barbie get's drilled.
That picture is wrong on so many levels.
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Potrzebie 1,787 5
06/14/2006 02:45 PM
a hair transplant, in reverse.
You transplant pubes to your head?
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witchrock 8 4
06/14/2006 03:16 PM
it's lovely but ken still lacks an Emerson and body hair. perhaps you could give him a bald spot and body hair.
very realistic, no?
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Mr. Slinky 28,041 5
06/14/2006 04:53 PM
You're a weird weird man Mr. Hargrave.
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btotheizzle 1,376 4
06/14/2006 08:47 PM
That sir, IS FREAKIN' AWSOME.
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the bean machine 298 4
06/14/2006 08:58 PM
Damn, has Barbie heard a razor??!!!?!
Although, I find myself strangely aroused....
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Sizzle 317 5
06/15/2006 04:32 AM
Now you need to send them back to Mattel so they know what a REAL barbie should look like.
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John Hargrave 115,421 15
06/15/2006 06:40 AM
I very rarely argue with my funny rating, but come on: three and a half stars? I was in tears while I was writing this one.
Have I fallen this out of touch with my audience? Or has the bar of my own comedic brilliance been raised so high that even I can't reach it?
Someone explain this to me.
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When Midgets attack 46,143 5
06/15/2006 06:47 AM
Have I fallen this out of touch with my audience? Or has the bar of my own comedic brilliance been raised so high that even I can't reach it?
Yeah, definately number two.
Sooo soo much number twBLAM
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When Midgets attack 46,143 5
06/15/2006 06:48 AM
So Solly
I go back to my cage now.
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Dogs Akimbo 156,540 9
06/15/2006 07:11 AM
1. You funny, but this one was the funniest.
2. 1/8" bit for the cooter
1/8"? How you doin'?
3. Three.
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Ditdah 114,665 10
06/15/2006 07:19 AM
John, I gotta say, it's not your best work. Usually, by halfway through one of your articles, I'm laughing my ass off. There's usually more than a small number of witty remarks, wacky phrases, and off-the-wall analogies.
This one, however, had little interesting text. The pictures were, well, frightening. Something I'd expect from a 13-year-old future serial killer. It's just not up to your usual standards.
I'm gonna get banned now, aren't I? If so, I gotta tell you - Phuc put me up to it.
Really. He may not remember it, but he did. I swear. Who are you going to believe? A long time friend and companion, or some internet stranger from Ohio you met once?
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Augustvamp 0 4
06/15/2006 08:26 PM
What you should have done was - after you drilled the vagine prounounced(vag-eye-en)stick mr. potato head's lips in the hole then cover that with hair.
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Chickens throws hatchets with deadly accuracy 236,007 13
06/15/2006 08:55 PM
You lost my support, and every other male in the audience, by putting the following words in the same sentence:
So I cut off his ....penis.
Ruined it for me. Some words just should not be used without the proper punctuation to separate same.
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Schadeboy 5 4
06/15/2006 11:16 PM
I'm more of a lurker on this site, and rarely comment. But I'm going to have to break precedence here and say somthing. I'm sorry Mr. Hargrave, but I'm going to have to agree with a previous comment that this was not your best work. I thought this might be below the belt even for ZUG. Sorry. I'll commence finding other articles funny.
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Eiram 0 5
06/16/2006 12:33 AM
Ken's penis terrifies me.
And that's not something I say often.
I think I just zinged myself.
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The Amazing Chocobot 57 4
06/16/2006 07:45 AM
I think he just needs to be circumsized.
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Crash2108 - that one guy that sometimes posts.. 50 6
06/16/2006 08:48 AM
You should have used different glue..
Maybe buy some sort of fabric that looks like short hair, too, because that looks like a choppy piece of Shakespeare.
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fablerose 2 4
06/17/2006 01:56 AM
I almost spit out perfectly good alcohol reading this!
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albapuella 0 4
06/17/2006 05:02 AM
. . . So, an anus isn't part of male anatomy? 'Cause it looks like poor Ken's going through life without a pooper.
Although, the good news is that he's used to it.
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bigDummy 10 7
06/21/2006 07:56 AM
. . .so aroused
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