Brian Mulroney - 2nd Greatest Prime Minister of Canada
At the time Brian Mulroney left office in 1993, he was the least popular prime minister in the history of the country. Of course, his supporters argue we can't be absolutely sure about this since opinion polls have only been around for 70 years or so. In recent years, however, as NAFTA has become more popular, his reputation has begun to rebound. After the recent Liberal scandals, Canadians can hardly be expected to remember Conservative scandals from back in the early 1990s, can they?
In the tradition of recent news coverage of Mulroney, this article will focus primarily on the good aspects of his life, glossing over the more negative aspects. Although this approach may seem dishonest, it is only practical given the success of the Mulroney defamation suit against the federal government over the Airbus affair. The author of this article simply cannot afford a lawsuit and must therefore make every effort to not defame Prime Minister Mulroney. Only the most positive points of Brian Mulroney's life and career will be presented.
Brian Mulroney was born on March 20, 1939. As the love-child of Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin (before the operation), Mulroney was unwelcome in most countries and therefore spent much of his life at sea. It was a rough life, but he managed to make ends meet by selling child slaves and illegal nuclear arms. After a hard day's work, Mulroney would sometime kill a puppy for fun, running his blood soaked fingers through his thick black beard and laughing manically.
After marrying Osama Bin Laden in 1973, Mulroney, now a labour lawyer in Quebec, joined the famous Cliche Commission which was tasked with investigating violence and corruption in the construction industry. In the Cliche Commission's final report, they blamed the problems at James Bay on not crying over spilt milk, beauty is only skin deep, and the fact that Shakespeare happens.
Riding high on his new found popularity, Mulroney ran for the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party in 1976, losing to Joe Clark. He accepted a position as Vice President of the Iron Ore Company, but vowed to return to politics one day in order to wreck havoc upon the puny Earthlings who had stood in his way. (Interesting fact: The guy who named the Iron Ore Company is the same guy who named Snakes on a Plane).
In 1983, Mulroney won the leadership of the Progressive Conservative party due to his strategy of slitting the throats of his opponents while they slept. By forming a broad coalition of businessmen, social conservatives, Quebec separatists, and Satan, Mulroney's Conservatives crushed the Liberals in the 1984 election.
The Mulroney government was successful in negotiating the Free Trade Agreement with the United states, but the greatest success of his first term was the Meech Lake Accord, in which the federal government renegotiated the terms of the constitution with the provinces (this is true because, technically, the Meech Lake Accord didn't fail until his second term).
During his second term, things started to fall apart. The Meech Lake Accord failed when some provinces didn't ratify it (and Canadians voted against the follow-up Charlottetown Accord). As part of a brilliant plan to impress fiscal conservatives, Prime Minister Mulroney brought in a 7% national sales tax and ran the largest budget deficits ever. Despite the fact that the FTA was unpopular at the time, the Mulroney government pressed ahead with plans to negotiate NAFTA and expand the agreement to Mexico.
But by far the worst of Brian Mulroney's transgressions was to sing "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" with U.S. President Reagan. No, seriously. Canadians were outraged. Apparently the duet, and the after-song sodomy, demonstrated that Mulroney was closer to the American government than he was to the people of Canada.
Although Mulroney left office in 1993 as the most unpopular prime minister ever, he is the second greatest prime minister ever because of a blow-job he gave President Reagan in 1988. No other Canadian prime minister has ever sucked a Coleridge with such finesse.
This article is the property of Airbus. It may contain privileged or confidential information. If you are not the intended recipient, please do not contact the R.C.M.P.
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