Shakes on a Plane
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 09/05/2006 10:40 AM | 2318 views
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 I have had it with the airport security checks. They make us remove more and more clothing, while letting us take less and less on board. Soon we'll be shelling out $1000 for the privilege of traveling naked in a three-foot caged pen. We won't be allowed to eat, drink, or pee during the flight. Communication will be prohibited, except for furtive glances with the flight attendants -- who, incidentally, will be robots with tasers.
I don't care about terrorists. You know why? LIFE INVOLVES RISK. The only way of making air travel completely safe is to BAN FLYING. The "zero risk" game is unwinnable, and the only people that lose are us, in the form of our civil liberties. Every time I'm asked to remove another piece of clothing at the airport security check, I go nuts. But quietly, lest they probe my bum-bum.
My question was this: are the security checks really any more effective? To find out, I decided to re-enact the classic scene from the 1984 movie This is Spinal Tap, where bassist Derek Smalls puts a foil-lined cucumber down his pants, which is picked up by the security wand. Only I decided to go one better, by putting a buzzing vibrator down my pants.
I went out and bought a plain Jane vibrator, the kind that everyone in America has next to their bed. In Scandinavia, I'm told, the average household has more exciting vibrators, molded into the shapes of fantastic mythological creatures, in bold hues such as magenta and hot pink. In America, it's always this:
I went into the airport lavatory and quietly stuffed the vibe down my pants, which did not look as obvious as you might think.
I set it humming and calmly approached the security gate.
The first round of security was the woman (always a woman) who checks your boarding pass and ID. She made sure the picture on the ID matched my face, then handed it back. "Enjoy your flight," she said with a smile.
"I am already," I said, smiling back.
Next I went to the belt, where I emptied my pockets, emptied my bag, took off my watch, and took off my shoes. The only thing they didn't ask me to empty was my intestines, but that's next year. Just before I went through the gate, the portly young woman on the other side, who I thought might find the stunt funny, was replaced by a surly old guy who looked like an ex-Marine.
"Oh no," I said to the vibrator.
The guard motioned me through the gate, which beeped alarmingly. He told me to try again. I beeped again. Visually scanning my body, his eyes rested on my crotch. "You are not fully divested, sir!" he barked.
I was thinking of a joke involving stock portfolios, but he quickly shot out, "Male wanding, GATE 1!"
We sat there uncomfortably for a few minutes, waiting for someone to come wand me, perhaps a fairy princess. The ex-Marine stood directly facing me, his eyes nervously darting to my groin. It was nerve-racking, but the vibrator quietly soothed my jangled nerves.
Finally, a tall young man came over and grabbed my things from the belt. "Come with me," he said, leading me to the public area where ethnic people usually get the patdown.
Now, I have to tell you that I am not on any known profiling list. I never get selected for a random search, I never get put through the machine where they blow air on you or insert the tube up your genitals. I am a white, middle-aged family man with a bald spot, and apparently guys that look like me don't blow up planes. We buy them.
Maybe this is why the TSA employee was extremely courteous and polite. "I am going to run this wand over your body, and in some places I will touch you. I will only use the back of my hand. If at any time you feel uncomfortable, you may request a search in a private area." By "private area," I didn't know if he meant a separate room, or my grundle, but I wisely remained quiet.
"Do you have any prosthetic or medical implants or accessories on your body?" he asked.
"I have a medical device."
"Where?"
"In my pants."
"Okay." He looked a bit confused, but ran the wand over my body, front and back, asking me to spread my legs and hold out my arms. Like a gourmet dessert, he saved my chode for last. The wand began to shriek madly.
"Ah..." He seemed unsure what to do about this. "All right, I will search that area manually, again using only the back of my hand."
"Fine." (Free back-of-the-handjob.)
He felt the outline of the marital aid, looking at me strangely. "Is it supposed to be vibrating like that?"
"Yes," I said with authority, as if I was dying and vibrators were my medicine.
"Okay, I'm going to need to give you a private screening."
"Fine," I said, my heart pounding. I hated myself for starting this Web site.
He led me over to a black curtained area where TSA employees apparently took their breaks. Some reading materials and beverages sat next to a small chair.
A large black officer joined us in the room, holding two pairs of tongs. Uh oh, I thought, here's where they ask me to spread my cheeks, and not the good cheeks.
"We need to swab both you and your device," explained the first guy, grabbing one of the tongs, which held a flat cotton disc. "I just need you to show me the edge of the medical device."
"Sure." I rolled over the edge of my pants, so that the end of the vibrator was showing, the part that controls the speed. In the process, the little dial turned up a notch, so that the buzzing was now audible.
He ran one of the cotton swatches over the vibrator, and the other one across my hand. He gave both of them to the big guy, who disappeared. "If these check out, then we'll just mark your ticket and you can be on your way," he said.
You know I was sweating cheeseburgers as I waited for the guy to return. We stood there awkwardly, while my crotch hummed a one-note tune. It was a muffled drone, like someone using a weed wacker in a neighboring township.
"You guys busy today?" I said, trying to be chatty.
"Yes," he said, still remaining absolutely professional.
"So," I responded, but then got distracted. I did, after all, have a vibrator down my pants. "So."
Finally, after several excruciatingly awkward minutes, the black guy showed up again and gave the all-clear sign. "You're free to go," said the TSA employee, leaving me to pack up my things in private. I took the opportunity to snap a few more hurried photos with my cameraphone:
And so I made it onto the plane with a vibrator stuffed down my pants. It's easy to be critical, to argue that terrorists could easily smuggle something inside the vibrator. But what are they going to do, take over the plane through threat of orgasm? "TAKE ME TO SRI LANKA, OR I WILL GIVE THIS FLIGHT ATTENDANT THE ULTIMATE PLEASURE! ALL HAIL ALLAH!"
One thing's for sure: if terrorists are going to start attacking us with vibrators, I won't mind them asking me to remove all my clothes at security. Bring it on, al Queda.
If you enjoyed this stunt, you might also enjoy The Turnpike Prank, where Hargrave tries to get a free ride on the freeway.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and author of the upcoming bestseller Prank the Monkey. Click here to read past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
99 votes
4.4
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The Jerk
09/01/2006 03:12 PM
First to post!
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Blueberry Pan-cake
09/01/2006 03:41 PM
It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
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Mrs. Chance Bojangles
09/01/2006 03:53 PM
Ha ha. I love you John.
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Jolson
09/01/2006 04:19 PM
Eh, I'd have been more impressed if he tried to sneak it on with it stuck up his ass. Now that'd be going for the comedy brown-gold!
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Bean
09/01/2006 04:55 PM
I don't know whether to hug you or put you in a mental institution.
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Phuc
09/01/2006 05:24 PM
Holy Jeebus. That was awesome.
If that were me, I'd be in Guantanamo with 22 stitches on my anus.
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Midgets
09/01/2006 05:30 PM
"And in other news, A terrorist suspect was shot and killed as he tried to board a plane with a weapon the Feds described as "Able to bring the crew to their knees".
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Schadeboy
09/01/2006 06:24 PM
Medical Device!
Pardon the pun, but you, Mr. Hargrave, have more balls than anyone I know. I think this proves that even better than the Michael Jackson stunt, and it didn't even cost you anything.
Well, except maybe for the cost of the "Medical Device". But I won't go there.
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Dogs Akimbo
09/01/2006 06:30 PM
That was some top flight humour.
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purple muffins
09/01/2006 07:43 PM
Screw you john.... airport security will deliver us from temptation and evil....
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Jaggy
09/01/2006 11:22 PM
Heh, farked.
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Chris Garrett
09/01/2006 11:36 PM
TTJ has her own vibrator line now?
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REAPER-FU
09/01/2006 11:45 PM
Did they find the penis pump though?
I so want to fly with you some day.
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Whistler P. McManus
09/02/2006 01:15 AM
Jeff dear, This Is Spinal Tap was released in 1984, not 1974.
Your screw-up on this most critical detail ruined my enjoyment of your otherwise lovely article.
I hope you're happy.
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Fratberry
09/02/2006 03:48 AM
It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.
It's also known as a comma and its use forces us to think of you as the former.
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Fratberry
09/02/2006 03:48 AM
Oh yeah. Poop.
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ShinyGnome
09/02/2006 03:58 AM
You should have tried to sneak a large container of lube on the plane.
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Dogs Akimbo
09/02/2006 03:59 AM
Since the human body is 70% water, aren't we all smuggling fluid onto the mother-Frostin' plane?
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skeelojo
09/02/2006 06:00 AM
You are a man without fear, Jon. I always get searched. I don't know what they find so threatening about me anyway.
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Hah Bumhug
09/02/2006 11:24 AM
thats quite worrying for me. You never know when an Al - Quaeda operative will be sneaking on the plane, pockets full of possibly dangerous sex toys. :(
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Blueberry Pan-cake
09/02/2006 07:15 PM
It's also known as a comma and its use forces us to think of you as the former.
My previous comment is a quote, from a movie known as "This is Spinal Tap."
Idiot.
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ChristianL
09/03/2006 10:36 PM
Hilarious!
I went through LAX recently... I was afraid just walking around, and I didn't have anything down my pants other than what's supposed to be there!
Your country scares the Shakespeare out of me, but it's good to know that some people aren't afraid!
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Gorky caught gay
09/03/2006 10:51 PM
BoingBoinged!
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jeeni
09/03/2006 10:53 PM
Since the human body is 70% water, aren't we all smuggling fluid onto the mother-Frostin' plane?
I fought back the temptation of printing up a t-shirt that says "I'm 70% liquid" and wearing it on my last flight. Thank god I don't have implants. Those mother-Frosters would probably make me check 'em.
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rickumali
09/05/2006 12:12 AM
Oh man, that was pretty funny!
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mrbuzzcut
09/05/2006 04:12 AM
John:
This is by far your best stunt yet.
Everyone:
Every morning, tell yourself this simple truth- LIFE INVOLVES RISK. Get your friends and family to do the same. Perhaps then one day, the paranoid fear mongering element of our society will no longer have us by the short and curlies.
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hargraveisanidiot
09/05/2006 08:43 PM
In 2002 I trained screeners at airports across the country.
While I'm glad to see that the professionalism we tried so hard to instill is still there, the real joke of this article is that Hargrave is so absolutely clueless about airport security.
Hargrave; the screeners don't care if you vibrator or a penis enlarger down your pants, so long as they can determine that it's not a threat to the aircraft, as they did in this case.
They deal with obnoxious elitists just like you all day long, so this may not even make their top ten funny stories from the airport.
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All work and no play makes Yorkie a dull boy
09/05/2006 08:54 PM
He's right, you know. That's totally what I was lauging about. Not the fact that you had a vibrator in your pants, and that you have balls the size of Ted Kennedy.
Oh, Hargrave, you silly, silly man! Don't you realize that sharing your pranks with the world makes you elitist?
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DemoMonkey, leader of the MondeGreen Party.
09/05/2006 10:37 PM
Hargrave; the screeners don't care if you vibrator or a penis enlarger down your pants, so long as they can determine that it's not a threat to the aircraft, as they did in this case.
"Look out he's got a verb!"
"That's a noun."
"Oh. Never mind. Have a nice flight sir."
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Dr. Penguin of the Arctic Alliance of Evil
09/05/2006 11:55 PM
"But quietly, lest they probe my bum-bum."
What do you care, Mr. "I'm going to get water squirted up my "fanny" for the sake of comedy?"
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LuckyLuke
09/06/2006 01:59 PM
John, you rock man... If I had to do that they WOULD find liquid in my pants!!!
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Dead Robot
09/06/2006 02:23 PM
They deal with obnoxious elitists just like you all day long
Holy Shakespeare! You mean there are other people who shove vibrators down their pants?
JHIAI, lighten up, or the terrorists have won.
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the tastiest n00b
09/07/2006 01:16 AM
Wow, you put a vibrator in your pants and they took it away.Congrats!
What has comedy writing come to?
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Twinkie with a Motive
09/07/2006 05:03 PM
Uhm, I really like this and find it funny.. But those pictures are HIGHLY illegal.. Trust me, I know the hard way. I took a quick picture of the boarding area. Oh my gosh, I was almost shot instantly. I didn't even have the flash go off and they still knew I took the picture. They took my camera (forever, never go it back) and I almost went to jail.
So, if I was you, I would remove some of those pictures now, before you HAVE to remove them. Just trust me on this.. And sorry for being a bit of a kill-joy.
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Pumpkin seeds-a new batch by end of week
09/07/2006 05:07 PM
We've already got a CIA spook on here, doubtful anything more will happ...
What are you doing? STOP! Bring back my PC! What? No I didn't say we have a CIA...Hey, what are the handcuffs...don't point that thing at...
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzz
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Chickens Floating Belly Up
09/07/2006 05:18 PM
I hated myself for starting this Web site.
THIS is what it took for you to finally reach this conclusion? I would have made the jump at Wheel of Ipicac.
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Mirrormilana
09/09/2006 10:56 AM
Oh, that was hilarious! How do you do it!
Erm....do you seriously have to take your shoes off? God, I'm scared enough about going through customs as it is....now I have to undress too?!
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AmyPoo: back in the saddle
09/10/2006 10:34 PM
Well worth stopping in for, John. You still got it.
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Eiram
09/13/2006 02:55 PM
Yeah, they make you take your shoes off. I flew to Indiana from Ontario a week or so after they started the new restrictions on liquids; they took away my contact lens version of Visine because I wasn't actively wearing my contacts at the time. Yay for logic.
Anyhow, loved this one, John. I wonder if I can get away with keeping a vibrator near my girl parts the next time I fly?
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diburning
06/29/2007 11:25 AM
they are dumbasses.. I was wearing SANDALS and they told me to take them off.
What? Am I hiding an invisible bomb between my foot and the sandal?
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Soros
07/03/2007 10:40 PM
"TAKE ME TO SRI LANKA, OR I WILL GIVE THIS FLIGHT ATTENDANT THE ULTIMATE PLEASURE! ALL HAIL ALLAH!"
I couldn't stop laughing at ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHA
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comradechairman
07/10/2007 07:16 PM
"Use ZUG Vibrators on your flight - more pleasure than plain old Hollywood movies!"
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Mung Champ
02/20/2008 09:54 AM
Excellent trick. I am surprised the anal beads didn't set off the wand? I have gotten through security filled up to the colon.
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PrincessLea
02/21/2008 04:27 AM
You know you *can* get very exciting vibrators delivered right to your door! I know, because I sell them! I am a Pure Romance consultant.
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zagnutz
02/29/2008 08:12 AM
In 2007 I accidentally (yet successfully) brought a 6-inch steak knife in my carry-on bag through security in Logan airport. Three times. My flights kept getting cancelled because of bad weather so I kept having to return to the ticket counter then go back to the gate, through security. After the third time, I was looking through my bag for something else, and I discovered that it was there, I immediately threw it in the gargbage.
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