Drug Deathmatch Part II
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 10/13/2006 02:11 AM | 113 views
|
|
 I'm concerned about the effectiveness of our drugs. I'm not talking about prescription or street drugs, I'm talking about this over-the-counter crap. If a drug is not dangerous enough to regulate or outlaw, then I don't want it in my body. You know what I call over-the-counter drugs? FOOD.
But sometimes you don't have a choice. That's why I recently began the Drug Deathmatch, a series of experiments between two competing over-the-counter drugs. In Part 1, I downed a glass of Kaopectate and a handful of Ex-Lax, putting them in a head-to-head (or bum-to-bum) competition. And now it was time for the second experiment, which I must admit ran away from me.
EXPERIMENT 2: ROBITUSSIN VS. CLARITIN
Robitussin promises relief from "stuffy nose," while Claritin promises relief from "runny nose." If the two drugs were equal, they'd cancel each other out and I'd have a normal nose. But "normal" is not a word I would use to describe what happened with this experiment.
I took triple the recommended dose of Claritin, which used to be a prescription drug until it was made over-the-counter in 2005. Claritin was once a hard drug, but now I guess it's been pussified. If the original Claritin was prescription-strength, then I guess now we're at Clarifive.
I chased the Claritwopointeight with half the bottle of Robitussin. It was cherry flavored, if the cherry had been rotting inside the corpse of a goat for twelve weeks.
My face crushed itself into a violent pucker, which I was only able to loosen with the aid of needle-nosed pliers and an awl:
My nose started running immediately, though to be fair, maybe it was just trying to run away from the taste of the 'Tussin. If medicine was World War II German dictators, that Shakespeare would be Hitler.
As luck would have it, I was planning to spend the day at Topsfield Fair in Topsfield, Massachusetts, which bills itself as "America's oldest county fair." Here's what happened.
I entered the fair with my head full of histamines and antihistimines, finding myself extremely speedy, mind-bogglingly jumpy. "Whazzat?" I screamed when a goat bleated behind me. "Whoozat?"
"Whazzahizzle?" I shouted at a chicken, which squawked in fright. "Zazzy hoozlediddle?"
This picture says it all.
I was drunk and crazy. The active ingredient in Robitussin is dextromethorphan, which according to Wikipedia causes "hallucinations," "out of body experiences," and "bizarre feelings of dissociation." How the hell do they sell this stuff on the shelves? "Robitushin ruules," I slurred, nearly stepping in a pile of pig feces. "Robilobe. Robilobindoodledookins."
It was like Red Bull and vodka -- or perhaps Red Bull, vodka, and Jerry Garcia's urine. Everything was trippy and weird, which was a strange state of mind for the county fair, where everything is already trippy and weird. Did I really just see a man with an enormous goiter walk by? I thought to myself. And while we're at it, is that a 3,000-pound statue made out of butter?
I asked someone to snap a photo, so I could confirm reality later.
My mouth was dry, but my nose was running and I was sneezing, probably from the goat dander. The Claritin wasn't doing Shakespeare for my allergies, while the Robitussin was grabbing reality by the quarks and kicking it in the gluons. What the hell is going on here? I asked myself as the fair melted into a thick soup of colors and smells. And why is that giant pickle holding a stuffed monkey?
I have a rule: when you start hallucinating a giant pickle holding a monkey, it's time to put down the bottle of Robitussin and go home. It's a rule I've never had to use until now, but thank God I had it. I went home, and you can imagine my surprise when I looked through my photos AND FOUND THIS. I don't know how I got a picture of my hallucination. Maybe I spilled a little Robitussin on the camera.
So Round 2 of the Drug Deathmatch produced a clear winner: Robitussin, which not only gave me a runny nose, but made me briefly imagine that my nose was running down the street, wearing a tiny sombrero.
I'm hoping that Wyeth Consumer Healthcare will eventually change their label to read:
All this, and there was still one more round of the Drug Deathmatch to come. Stay tuned.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and author of the upcoming bestseller Prank the Monkey. Click here to read past articles >>
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
26 votes
4.1
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1543844
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1543849
Thud
10/13/2006 02:12 AM
First to post?
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1543853
bloodyfish
10/13/2006 02:19 AM
Second. Playing with drugs is always fun.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1543854
Humphrey
10/13/2006 02:23 AM
BobJohnson!!
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1543855
All the ladies love Briham and his Oozinator!
10/13/2006 02:28 AM
You aren't the first to abuse 'tussin, you know. One of my brothers friends got high on the cough syrup. He started crying when he couldn't figure out how to open his door. He pounding on the door, shouting to his roommate "Please let me in! You can shoot me with a gun, I don't care! Just let me in!" What a crazy guy.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1543856
Jane is confused. Wait...maybe she's not
10/13/2006 02:32 AM
John, I'm really enjoying this series. I've actually found myself looking for part 2, and now I'll start looking for part 3. I don't know if it's the incredibly funny writing, or just the thought of you killing your organs with meds. Either way, I give this two thumbs up.
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1543884
Kittenish
10/13/2006 03:18 AM
This is great... next you should do an experiment with syrup of ipecac and gravol... just kidding.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1543967
mrbuzzcut
10/13/2006 04:33 AM
But the label says "relieves." Did it relieve the hallucination? Or re-live?
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1544018
Succubus
10/13/2006 05:53 AM
Haha. You have to drink half a bottle of 'tussin to get the same effect I get from taking the recommended dose of anything containing pseudoephedrine.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1544023
ResurrectionRyan
10/13/2006 06:11 AM
It's always good when a man with a family puts his physical and mental health on the line to assume a group of internet geeks. Keep it up you crazy junkie.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1544029
ringworm
10/13/2006 06:20 AM
for gablanta, i plan to forego to the typical assload of beer in favor of 'tussin. not really, but maybe i'll throw a bottle or two in just to mix things up.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1544066
BruceSmells
10/13/2006 08:38 AM
I think the chicken knew you were on drugs, look at its stare.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1544442
Brewmaster
10/17/2006 06:40 PM
dextromethorphan the cool "street slang" is DXM. The kids call it robo-trippin'.
I stick to the weed and mescaline, myself.
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1545459
Jay Cornelius
10/18/2006 10:20 PM
Haha, that pic of you chompin' the Claritin pills is the best. New. Windows. Desktop Wallpaper.
P.S. - Your turn to w
|
|
|
|
Share on your site: