Credit Card Criminal
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 04/21/2007 08:29 AM | 147 views
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Credit card companies don't give a rat's ass about identity theft.
That's the conclusion I've reached after years of doing stunts like The Credit Card Prank, where I forged fake names to credit card receipts, and The Visa Prank, where dim-witted customer service representatives let me break into credit card accounts.
So when I got an offer in the mail for a new "IdentityMonitor" service from Citi, which supposedly protects you from identity theft, I laughed. First, because I was sure it wouldn't work. Second, because they were offering it to one of my own stolen identities:
"John Myers" is one of the many pseudonyms that I've used for pulling off various credit card pranks. Even though it's a legitimate credit card, the name is fake. I was amused that Citi was offering me the chance to "guard my good name," even though the name wasn't good.
So I immediately signed up for the identity theft service, using my thieved name.
"I love you, honey. Please toss that coin into the imaginary ATM while you smother our daughter."
For the next few months, I held off actually using my Citi card, because that would arouse suspicion. Week after week, I just kept it in a drawer, stoically paying the $9.95 monthly fee for the identity theft "service."
My plan was to lull Citi into thinking this was an unused account. Then, when my credit card was suddenly "stolen," it should trigger every alarm bell at Citi IdentityMonitor headquarters, down to the electrified jockstrap that I've heard their CEO is required to wear for just such an emergency.
Finally, the big day arrived. I "stole" my own credit card, and went on a little shopping spree.
Thinking like a thief, I first headed for Copley Place, one of the most expensive shopping malls in America, where I bought a new wardrobe at Armani Exchange. I picked out a new shirt and sport coat, and a pair of those ridiculous wraparound sunglasses that make people look like The Fly.
Heads up to everyone who's still wearing oversized sunglasses: YOU'RE NOT BONO.
I also bought a leather cap, because I wanted to look like Sluggo. Five bucks says that little thug ended up doing jail time, probably for sexually assaulting Nancy.
"How do I look?" I asked the impeccably-dressed Armani employee who helped me.
For a moment, absolute revulsion flickered across her face, then she caught herself. "Not bad," she said, nodding her head. I could see little cash register signs in her eyes as she calculated her commission. "I think it's you."
I paid for my purchases with my "protected" Citi credit card. The total came to nearly $500, and I signed the electronic touchpad with the word "Stolen," just so there could be no mistake. Then I went into the mall and asked a cop to take my picture:
The completed ensemble.
I looked like a thug, but I was only getting warmed up. Stay tuned for part 2.
Sir John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and author of the bestselling Prank the Monkey. Click here to read past articles >>
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
19 votes
4.4
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0 votes
0.0
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daisypie
04/21/2007 08:35 AM
"Stolen"... I LOVE IT!
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0 votes
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Phla Sucks. No, not like that.
04/21/2007 08:41 AM
I can't wait until he posts bail with monopoly money.
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0 votes
0.0
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Jaggylioness
04/22/2007 12:57 AM
Does your lawyer cry when he logs on to GAB?
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0 votes
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Your Designer
04/22/2007 04:51 AM
I think you should wear that suit to work...just for the reactions...maybe have a little spy cam on your lapel to record them (for personal use only, of course).
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0 votes
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FuckShitJesus
04/22/2007 05:29 AM
That outfit makes you look more like a baby raper than ever.
Wear it to church and give out candy.
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0 votes
0.0
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Phla Sucks. No, not like that.
04/22/2007 05:35 AM
I was thinking more German diplomat.
Heyyyyy Amerrrican clothing wears, A-O-K.
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0 votes
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Whistler P. McManus
04/22/2007 05:38 AM
They didn't have any clothes that fit you?
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0 votes
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BigGunn
04/22/2007 07:45 AM
Finally! A real prank! yay!!!!
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0 votes
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Millie
04/22/2007 09:10 AM
Are you wearing your Sluggo hat in the picture? I can't see it very well.
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0 votes
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The High Priestess, quitely surpassing 10,000
04/23/2007 01:12 AM
Next, buy yourself the electronic jockstrap, call Citi while wearing it and complain that you identy has been stolen. Give yourself a buzz every so often.
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