Credit Card Criminal, Part 3
A comedy article
by John Hargrave | 04/28/2007 07:37 AM | 140 views
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When I received an offer in the mail to protect my Citi credit card from identity theft, I was amused to find they addressed it to one of my stolen identities. "John Myers" is one of my prank pseudonyms, a legitimate credit card with a fake name.
Of course, I immediately signed up for the Citi IdentityMonitor "service," just to see what I would get for my $9.95 monthly fee. First I got a "free" credit report, as well as a list of "free" credit tips. Free apparently now costs $9.95 per month. (Inflation.)
I did nothing with the credit card for a few months, then suddenly "stole" my own credit card, going on a shopping spree at Armani and Tiffany, spending as recklessly as possible, trying to set off the Citi identity theft alarms. I signed my credit card receipts "Stolen," behaved like a hoodlum, etc. Then I took my loot home and waited for the call from Citi...
...which never came.
Maybe Citi didn't care about petty theft. Maybe I needed to do something truly dangerous. So next I did a little Internet research on how to build a homemade fertilizer bomb. Surely a little Timothy McVeigh action would alert Citi, not to mention the FBI, CIA, and GSQ.*
Do you know how easy it is to build a fertilizer bomb? You probably have the ingredients in your garage. I went to Home Depot and bought them in massive quantities, trying desperately to trip Citi's credit card fraud prevention alarm. I literally could not think of anything worse to buy on my credit card. I mean, generally you have to pay caShakespeareried calling Lisa, but I was stopped at the gates by low-level Citigroup operators. They were no match for my pranking powers, and I eventually got through to Lisa's assistant, who I was able to trick into giving me Lisa's address. The idea was to send a message to her office that would actually get opened and read: I would send Lisa an urgent telegram.
Who the hell sends telegrams nowadays? Not even Western Union, which discontinued them years ago. You now have to go through obscure European companies, who will HAND-DELIVER YOUR URGENT MESSAGE WITHIN 24 HOURS STOP SURELY CITI WOULD NOTICE MY IDENTITY THEFT NOW STOP PLEASE LISA CAPUTO MAKE THE MADNESS STOP STOP
I'm doing this prank in real-time, folks, so the ball's in Lisa's court: some token gesture, however small, to show that Citi cares about credit card identity theft. Like, I don't know, laying off the entire division responsible for this worthless identity theft service.
Stay tuned for Part 4.
Sir John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is a performer, speaker, and author of the bestselling Prank the Monkey. Click here to read past articles >>
* GSQ is the new government agency that's so secret you don't even know what the initials stand for.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
13 votes
4.9
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0 votes
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Chi Chi Felipe
04/28/2007 07:49 AM
Hahah, oh man. On a serious note, I could use that fertilizer.
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0 votes
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Frogpop - I AM asking for it!
04/28/2007 12:22 PM
The cost of committing a terrorist act, in case you're wondering, is just over $300.00. It would be less if gas weren't so darned expensive.
Isn't it ironic that the people the terrorists are hurting most are america's future terrorists? STOP THE MADNESS!!1
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Bean
04/28/2007 09:29 PM
That much fertilizer = huge ass yard
Gasoline = to run the lawnmower for your huge ass yard
bleach = to clean your whites after you mow your huge ass yard.
John's purchases = not dangerous.
That will be all.
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Dogs Akimbo
04/28/2007 09:48 PM
John's purchases = not dangerous.
Not in your or my hands, sure.
I'm hoping John lights something up with all that fertilizer.
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0 votes
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UnderWhere?
04/29/2007 01:37 AM
I'm hoping he tries to sneak all that into the Superbowl.
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KChikita - What holiday is next?
04/29/2007 02:58 AM
Could I borrow some of that gasoline to get rid of the armadillo-grease-spot on the street in front of my house?
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Chix
04/30/2007 06:31 PM
How much did the telegram cost? That's kinda cool.
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Jake the Vincible
04/30/2007 09:39 PM
Of course, maybe this means their anti-theft program is amazingly good--after all, you didn't really steal the card.
They're watching you....
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gobadine
04/30/2007 09:43 PM
where the telegram says 'millions are monitoring your next move' does that mean he's posting this on other website as well as here?
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