CITI CUSTOMER SERVICE: Good afternoon, welcome to customer service. My name is Sandy, may I please have the name as it appears on the credit card?

SIR JOHN HARGRAVE: John Myers.

CCS: Thank you, sir. What is your pet's name?

SJH: My pet's name?

CCS: Yes.

SJH: Charlie.

CCS: [Pause]

SJH: Do you mean my lizard?

CCS: No, I'm sorry, that's not what we have.

SJH: Which pet? I've got a menagerie.

CCS: I don't know. All I have is a pet's name.

SJH: Oh my goodness. I have five or six cats, I have a dog, I have six lizards, and I have several fish.

CCS: Well, what's your pet's name? I'll tell you if that's correct on your password.

SJH: Well, it could be Mr. Doodles, it could be Bum-Bum, it could be Bobby McFerrin, it could be Harold, it could be Sebastian...

CCS: You got it, that's it.

SJH: What? Oh. Sebastian? I'm sorry to tell you, Sebastian passed away about six months ago.

CCS: I'm sorry to hear about that. Would you like me to change your password to another pet's name instead of Sebastian?

SJH: Yes, please.

CCS: Okay, I'd be happy to do that for you. What do you want your new password to be, then?

SJH: "Mr. Bum-Bum."

CCS: Okay. [Pause] All right, what can I help you with today?

SJH: Is my Citi card protected against unauthorized purchases?

CCS: Yes, it is.

SJH: And is it protected against purchases where I did not receive the product that was advertised?

CCS: Yes, it is. You can dispute any transaction, yes.

SJH: Great. I'm not sure of the date, but it's a monthly charge for $9.95...

CCS: [anticipating my complaint] ...with IdentityMonitor?

SJH: Yes.

CCS: If you want to cancel that, I can transfer you to them, and they can assist you today, okay?

SJH: Well, I'd like to dispute the charge. I don't think I got what I was...

CCS: [Interrupting] You have to speak to that department and they can assist you. We don't dispute if it's with Citi. But they're closed, because today's Sunday. So go ahead and give them a call back tomorrow, and they can assist you with that.

SJH: So I wouldn't be protected against identity theft over the weekend?

CCS: Um ... what is your exact question?

SJH: Because I think a lot of thieves like to work on the weekend.

CCS: Sir, did you have any other questions on your account?

SJH: Yeah. It appears that a lot of purchases have been made on my account, and one of them was at Home Depot for a quarter-ton of chemical fertilizer.

CCS: When was that purchase made? I don't see any purchases made at Home Depot.

SJH: That's disturbing.

CCS: Where are you seeing purchases have been made at Home Depot?

SJH: I'm seeing it on my online account. Are you not seeing my purchases?

CCS: What's the date of the transaction, sir?

SJH: April 27. But maybe you guys didn't work on the weekend, so you didn't get that transaction through your system yet.

CCS: Um...let's see, I need the date in order to assist you, which you did provide that to me. Home Depot for the amount of $300.15.

SJH: Right.

CCS: We do not know what our cardmembers have purchased, so that information I can't tell you. But I do see there was a purchase made at Home Depot, yes. And it was with your credit card.

SJH: You don't know what your cardmembers have purchased?

CCS: No, we never do. That's a security situation, and if we had what our cardmembers purchased, that's none of our business on what they purchased. Because I do see the last purchase you made on your account was the 20th of April.

SJH: I'm confused. I thought you said you didn't have information on what I purchased.

CCS: Okay sir, the last purchase you made. That means I need to know the store name, so can you please give me the merchant's name, and the amount that you purchased on the last place you used your credit card. Where was that, and when?

SJH: I don't know.

CCS: You don't know.

SJH: No.

CCS: Now I'm going to verify some transactions on your account. Please tell me if you made these transactions. It looks like there was some purchases made on the 20th of April.

SJH: Mmm-hmm. Vibrators?

CCS: Shaw's Market, Tiffany's, Armani Exchange. Do any of those transactions sound familiar to you?

SJH: Would those cause any concern over at the Citi IdentityMonitor headquarters?

CCS: No. Okay sir, like I said, I don't take care of Citi IdentityMonitor...

SJH: WHO DOES?

CCS: ...so I can't answer any of those questions with IdentityMonitor, if you feel you're a victim of IdentityMonitor.

SJH: I do feel I'm a victim of IdentityMonitor.

CCS: Of identity theft.

SJH: Oh. I'm sorry, I thought you said "IdentityMonitor."

CCS: [Losing it] No, sir. I'm trying to tell you. On your credit card. Citi card. We have a security department. They monitor everybody's credit card. Just to make sure our card members are protected. If something should come up, for example -- this is just an example -- say there was a big purchase made, that would be considered suspicious.

SJH: Okay.

CCS: Okay, sir.

SJH: And then there's one other thing. My name actually isn't John Myers.

CCS: [Long, fearful pause] Who am I speaking with?

SJH: My name is Mr. Hargrave.

CCS: [Longer pause] How did you get this credit card?

SJH: It was sent to me.

CCS: Okay sir, well, I do need to give you this information. If I'm not speaking to John Myers, and you verified your password to me, how could that be?

SJH: I don't know. Who's John Myers?

CCS: What I'm going to do, sir, I'm going to transfer this call to another department. They're going to close out your account.

SJH: John Myers's account.

CCS: Hold on.

[Extremely long hold time, while she contacts the Fraud Department]

CCS: Okay, I have somebody who is going to assist you with this, and I thought I was speaking with Jonathan Mayers. That's who you verified the information with.

SJH: I don't think so. I think you just asked for a password, which I randomly guessed.

[Long, confused pause. Finally a Fraud Officer speaks up.]

CITI FRAUD DEPARTMENT: Hi, sir.

SJH: Hi!

CFD: My name is Ted, can I have your name please?

SJH: Oh, hi Ted. This is Mr. Hargrave. How are you?

CFD: Okay, sir. So you're not a John Myers?

SJH: No sir.

CFD: Okay, well, how can I help you?

SJH: It doesn't feel like you guys have a very good handle on the whole identity theft and security thing over at Citi.

CFD: So this is not your, er, sir, if this is not your credit card account, what are you concerned about?

SJH: Well, the fact that I was able to get into it.

CFD: Okay, now... [confused chuckling]

SJH: Listen. I've got a call I need to make over at American Express, okay?

CFD: Okay.

SJH: Thanks, and have a great day. And hey, thanks for working Sundays.

CFD: Not a problem, sir. You have a good day.

SJH: You too. Bye-bye.

First!

second!

excellent work. I can just picture her face as she was getting frustrated.

"If I'm not speaking to John Myers, and you verified your password to me, how could that be?"

Like it violates some law of physics? Nice one.

So what DID you do with all that fertilizer?

Also, did you have to pay for all that stuff?

Why Jade doesn't run off with the more fiscally sound Jeff Hargrave I'll never know.

So are we going to get pop ups now.

That Frost-ing telephone operator. I can't stop laughing! I've never heard somebody with such a voice try to talk down to somebody.

I think you should have her donkey-called.

So let's summarize what you get for your $9.95 Citi IdentityMonitor monthly fee.. ..and a condescending customer care clerk with a voice like a cartoon mouse.

Nuh-uh, you'd get her even without the monthly fee. Sucker!

Nice job on this one, John, though the ending isn't where I thought it'd be, so I've got one suggestion... add a part 5.

You should call the Identity Monitor people and see what they say, since Citi basically told you they can't do anything about identity theft.

Basically you paid for the joy of talking with an idiot on the phone.

Identity theft protection with rude CSR's - BRILLIANT!!!

A few tidbits.

I have a couple of friends who work at Citi in their main customer service branch in Northern Kentucky. One actually works in their credit card area. However, she works in collections, so you (I mean John Myers) most likely will not speak to her until your stolen credit card has not been paid for over 30 days.

Also, Citi did just lay off 17,000 people. I'm thinking that included their IdentityMonitor staff.

I've got some idiots at Bank of America I deal with routinely, so I thinks the brain trust is spread evenly throughout our great financial institutions.

Mr Bum Bum?

Tea through nose. Not good for flat screen monitor, I'm sure.

Fourteenth!