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 They say that Internet dating sites attract the worst sorts of men. And it's true -- there are plenty of perverts, geeks, dweebs and schmucks looking for love online. But are these lovable losers really the worst sorts of men? After all, they're not, say, serial killers.
But what if they were? Could the truly and terribly evil get a nibble in the pond of online love? To find out, I created dating profiles on Passion.com for some of the most heinous -- and recognizable -- killers of the past thirty years. Three weeks later, I came back to see whose mailboxes were sizzling, whose were fizzling, and which monsters had been spotted by eagle-eyed users.
In the first installment of Monster Love, I looked at Charles Manson and Ted "The Unabomber" Kaczynski. In Monster Love, Part 2, it was John Wayne Gacy, Jr. and David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz. Today, we wrap up with the last two bachelors on our list of rogue Romeos. Enjoy.
Monster #5: Jeffrey Dahmer
Jeffrey Dahmer lived in Wisconsin, which is not the sexiest place in the world to sell a potential girlfriend on. And frankly, it's all downhill from there. He was kicked out of the Army, served time in jail, and sported one of the more unfortunate evil moustaches since the days of Snidely Whiplash. Not to mention the murdering, dismembering, necrophilizing, and cannibalizing. Clearly, Dahmer's what your mother might call a "fixer-upper." Here's the best I could say for him:
 "Shy, quiet ex-military food lover looking for a special someone to settle down with. I'll keep the house spotless, keep the pantry stocked, and cook you exotic meals to die for. Let's stay in for a romantic candlelight dinner at home. I can promise you an evening you'll never forget."
Well, at least he kept the house clean and was willing to cook. That's more than you can say for most guys you'd meet on an online dating service. Or most guys writing this article.
It's likely the attention to domestic detail that earned "foodie" two emails from interested Milwaukee-area ladies. No one recognized the notorious pervy people-eater from his photo, but at least two women read about him, checked out his pic, and apparently thought, "Aw...he looks sweet." God help us all.
Love Status:
Favorite Comment: "Men who can cook are so sexy! What would you make me for a romantic dinner?"
Response I Wanted to Send: "Oh, I bet you'd look great in a casserole. How do you feel about fava beans and chianti? Fffft ffftt ffft fffttt!"
Hotness Rating: Two responses. He's no Casanova, but he could probably find true love. If only he'd stop chopping people up and eating them.
Monster Love Verdict: Jeffy D. may be a monster, but in the Midwest, he's a real "CANNIBAL CATCH."
Monster #4: Ted Bundy
In real life, Ted Bundy loved the ladies, and the ladies loved him. Handsome, educated, and articulate, he used his charms to get close to women and lower their guards. That's half the battle for being a chick magnet; if only he were more interested in the "wooing" than the "strangling," he'd have been a regular Romeo. As it was, Bundy confessed to the murders of thirty women, and there may well have been more. But I wanted to know whether a "virtual Bundy" could do a different sort of "ladykilling":
 "I'm a clean, active law student looking for a great young lady with similar interests in the Great Northwest. If you love skiing, talking politics, discussing law -- or guys who drive VW Beetles! -- I'm your man. No smokers or older ladies, please."
The good news is that Teddy B. collected the most emails of any of our monsters -- six messages are sitting in his inbox. The bad news is that I didn't get to read any of them before the account was shut down. It seems that "legaleagle" was recognized by someone who got him nixed from the site entirely. I guess his face was just the wrong mix of "hunky" and "haunting," and he got made early. Stupid sexy Bundy.
Love Status:
Favorite Comment: None -- I can't see them!
Hotness Rating: Six responses, but they could be anything. And he was stone cold busted by the dating fuzz.
Monster Love Verdict: Handsome Ted is our "MOST ELIGIBLE MONSTER."
Epilogue
In writing this article, I researched quite a lot of information about the men I was spoofing online. I wanted the biographical information to be as accurate as possible, so I dug deep online to find details that would be helpful. I also researched a number of online dating sites -- and, of course, set up several dating profiles at Passion.com. One thing I didn't do, however, is mention to my wife that I was writing these articles.
It was with some amusement, then, that we had the following conversation a couple of Fridays ago when I returned home from work:
Wife: So...I borrowed your computer today.
Me: Okay, no problem.
Wife: Yeah. Only I found a bunch of links to serial killer sites, and online dating URLs.
Me: Um...
Wife: So you should just know, if you're planning to off me and find a woman on the Internet, you can forget it.
Me: Yes, dear.
Wife: Because I am onto you, mister.
Me: Okay, dear.
Wife: And everything's in my name.
Me: I know, dear.
Wife: And I could totally take you in a hatchet fight to the death.
Me: Of course you could, dear. What's for dinner?
Of course, I eventually told her what I was up to. But she still makes me pre-taste any food I give her, and now she sleeps with a hatchet under her pillow. Sometimes, "monster love" isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Zolton (Charlie Hatton) is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. Not necessarily in that order. Visit his blog at wherethehellwasi.com.
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