|
|
Recently, I used super hair removal cream to shave the Superman logo into my super chest hair [read Part 1 and Part 2 here]. The experiment turned out super, but it wasn't yet super super.
I could feel the superpowers flowing through my veins, but a leap from my futon had failed to translate into flying. I guess hair removal for men only goes so far when it comes to heavier than air flight. Although I was tempted to try the Sears Tower next, several sober people encouraged me to start more slowly. It was possible, they suggested, that it would take some time for my flying powers to develop, and that testing my golfing superpowers would be safer.
On my first attempt golfing as Superman, I shot 40 on 9 holes. That's pretty good for me, but it's not super. And anyone who knows a par-3 course might say it's bad. (Those people are jerks.)
But I knew what was missing: A cape! I set off to find one.
I tried several stores, but everywhere I went, I encountered people who laughed at me. Clearly they could sense my weakness. I needed superpowers fast. In fact, at one point, when I stopped for coffee at a Tim Horton's, I was harassed by the staff until I left. (Something about a "shirt," whatever that is.)
However, as I wondered from store to store, I also had several positive comments. If not for citizens like the lovely young woman who said "Awesome, dude," or the gay firefighters who stopped to chat, I would probably have given up crimefighting then and there. But I carried on, in part due to the motorists who honked when they saw me.
Most storekeepers were reasonable, allowing me to search their inventory for a cape. I took no chances, searching everywhere I could.
Although I don't use illegal drugs (assuming heroin is legal), I left no stone unturned in my search for a cape:
Note to American readers: If you looked at that picture, you're now a wanted felon. I'm sorry.
At one point, I took a break to read a novel at a used book store...
...until I was confronted by the proprietor. He was a million times cooler than the staff at Tim Horton's, though, and didn't ask me any silly questions about what I was doing. Still, there was something odd about him. I can't put my finger on it.
His beard is slightly uneven. That's it.
In the end, I visited many stores, but was unable to find a red cape. I did find a black cape, but it failed to improve my golf scores (I shot 107 on 18 holes on a full-length course). My dreams of becoming a superhero were over. It was with great sadness that I shaved the Superman logo off of my chest. I nearly cried.
But to be honest with you, a part of me is glad to be back to my regular style.
BobJohnson is a Canada-based comedy writer redefining the limits of the word "awesome." Click here to read more articles >>
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
32 votes
4.4
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1711167
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1716679
TIM-MAH, esq.
11/13/2007 02:14 AM
First, kapow-zers.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1716682
Undies Loves Spicey Sausage Stuffing
11/13/2007 02:27 AM
Bob, you really need to hide. Spicey is going to cross the border to come get on you.
Trust me. Hide.
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1716689
That's Why She's Stuffed
11/13/2007 03:01 AM
We need more articles like these.
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1716852
Chix.
11/13/2007 08:34 PM
Most awesome.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1717048
bifgis
11/14/2007 10:46 AM
haha I loved the Drug paraphernalia pic. Way to force all of the americans into illegal activity! Looks like a fun store :D
2 Thumbs Up.
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1717793
The British Guy
11/16/2007 11:37 PM
Magnificent
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1717875
Fratberry
11/17/2007 06:38 AM
1: You have a wide stance.
2: Taco will be masturbating for months to that last photo.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1717882
Whistler P. McManus
11/17/2007 08:45 AM
Is it just me, or does the book store proprietor look like Fabs with facial hair?
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1718024
Fratberry
11/18/2007 08:26 AM
It's just you.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1718032
Mike's not here.
11/18/2007 09:48 AM
Dunna nunna
nunna nunna
nunna nunna
na
BOB JOHNSON!
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1719680
Hammerhead
11/27/2007 10:50 PM
That Frost-ing rocks, Bob. You shoulda got the head shop chick to SUHT though.
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1763792
Fratberry
04/29/2008 04:33 AM
SANJAY!!!!!!1111
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1763881
dangerousbeans
04/29/2008 07:03 PM
That's awesome.
I should post a warning. If you feel you must remove hair from more sensitive areas, make sure you buy the right bottle AND read the directions before using the product!
Side effects include walking bow legged for about 3 days and having permanent male pattern baldness on your no no spots.
Chemical burns suck :(
|
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1763909
dangerousbeans
04/29/2008 09:08 PM
Wow, Taco. Like a lot of men, I too have been injured doing something moronic in the pursuit of impressing members of the opposite sex.
You should really consider it an honor.
Space Admiral BobJohnson: Awesome Job!
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1763925
Dogs Akimbo
04/29/2008 11:16 PM
Since I couldn't maha you, I just went downstairs and kicked one of my dogs.
Way to go, jerk.
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1764127
The Jerk
04/30/2008 09:05 PM
What did I do?
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1764156
Pram
05/01/2008 12:20 AM
It's what you didn't do...
Way to go, Bob Johnson!
|
|
|
|
Share on your site:
