For thousands of years, horny philosophers have wondered whether there exists in nature a true aphrodisiac that will arouse desire in the opposite sex. More recently, horny scientists have sought to create a chemical compound that will do the same thing, thus increasing their probability of getting a date. And even more recently, horny spammers have flooded my inbox with products that will "Enhance H.E.R. Seexx m00d" and "M@ke ur g1rl_f1end WANT U!!"
Although I am happily married, I felt the world needed to know whether these aphrodisiacs really work. And I am the perfect test subject, since I have never once aroused sexual desire in any female. Thus, I undertook my most noble experiment yet: testing various aphrodisiacs, and reporting on their effectiveness.
Now, any educated person will tell you that aphrodisiacs don't exist. Fortunately, I'm not that educated. Not like Dr. Winnifred Cutler (pictured at left), who has a Ph.D. in Biology from Penn, did postdoctoral behavioral endocrinology research at Stanford, and now sells a patented "horny formula" called Athena Pheromone 10X."In 1986, with colleagues at the University of Pennsylvania," explains Dr. Cutler on her web site, "I discovered that sexually active young men produce pheromones." Even though it may sound like it from that sentence, we should not assume that Dr. Cutler made this discovery while banging the undergrads. But who knows? Maybe she was wearing her own pheromone formula, which has been proven to attract the opposite sex, at least according to the "double-blind, placebo-controlled scientific study" continually mentioned on the Athena Pheromone 10X site. I tried to track down a copy of this study, but I was unable to locate a reprint of the peer-reviewed Pheremones: Do They Juice Up The Chicks?
So the body secretes pheromones naturally, but you can buy a small bottle of them from Dr. Cutler for $99.95. I made the purchase, and my vial of pheromones arrived in the mail a few days later, along with a small funnel for pouring the pheremones into my cologne. (Some websites, no joke, charge you extra for the funnel.)It didn't seem fair to mix the pheromones into colognes, although it does rhyme. I wanted my pheromones like my women: hot and stinky. Feeling like a wolf marking his territory, I dabbed raw pheromone extract behind each ear, then around my neck. It had kind of a musky alcohol smell, kind of like Mr. Clean's urine. Then I sat back, and waited for the tidal wave of sex.
After fifteen minutes of celibacy, I gave my wife a few hugs, letting her get a nice whiff of my horn-mones. She didn't know about my experiment, and it seemed to have no discernible effect on her. In fact, I think we got into an argument over pie crust.Undaunted, I went about my weekend errands, watching women carefully as they entered my whiff zone. I was waiting for them to leap atop me like ravenous dogs on a slice of fresh bacon, but all I saw was the same apathetic expression that I've seen since puberty.
Maybe I just needed to get closer. So I made it a point to get on a crowded subway car, where I was sure to be in close quarters with a female. And indeed I was: an elderly Chinese woman sat down next to me, with a grocery bag full of cabbage. I watched her out of the corner of my eye, to see if she might be moist for me. With growing nausea, I realized that she was enthusiastically picking her nose. She rolled something between her thumb and forefinger. We both lost track of where it went, but I'm guessing in the cabbage. Never once, by the way, did she ask me on a date.
Maybe I needed more women. Fortunately, my three-year-old had been invited to a birthday party later in the day, and I enthusiastically offered to take him, since I knew there would be tons of mothers, possibly a few grandmothers, and the stray aunt. A loose nanny or two. And indeed there were -- it was the motherlode, so to speak -- but not one of them seemed interested in me. I had to resort to hanging around the ice cream table with the eight year-old cousins, but they weren't interested either, even when I tried bringing up Pokemon.
So my initial aphrodisiac experiment was not exactly successful, but I wasn't ready to give up just yet. It was time to turn up the juice. Stay tuned.
