For weeks, I had been scouring the Internet for a real-life aphrodisiac, some substance or chemical that would arouse desire and passion in your lover, without the costly dates and time-consuming poetry. And then I heard about the world's first true, honest-to-goodness aphrodisiac: a new drug called PT-141.
Currently in development by a New Jersey pharmaceutical company, PT-141 could be considered for FDA approval within the next year. Like Viagra and Cialis, it is being marketed as a treatment for sexual disorders, but unlike those drugs, it works on both men and women. "Approximately 50 million women suffer from female sexual dysfunction," claims the PT-141 Web site, though that's an estimate surely put together by a man. And probably not a very attractive one.
In an effort to see if I could score some beta-release PT-141 for my aphrodisiac test, I gave a call to Palatin Technologies, the company behind this lusty new drug. After a few calls, I eventually got through to a real live scientist.
PALATIN TECHNOLOGIES: This is Scott.Fine. I didn't need their fancy newfangled aphrodisiac. I was going to kick up the sex drive old school.
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, Scott. I was reading about your new PT-141 drug on the Internet.
PT: Mmm-hmm.
JH: Uh ... can you send me some?
PT: No, it's not commercialized, the only thing I can have you considered for is our upcoming clinical trials. If you'd like, I can take down your personal information, and have our clinical director call you back.
JH: Yeah. That would be great. Could I get some by next weekend?
PT: No, this will not be for several months. You do need to be diagnosed with a sexual dysfunction...
JH: Would "not getting much sex" be considered a dysfunction?
PT: No, you need to have to some kind of psychogenic dysfunction.
JH: What if I'm sad that I'm not getting much sex?
PT: Now, are you on other treatments, for instance, Viagra or Cialis?
JH: Sure. I've tried those before. I got them from a pharmacy in Miami.
PT: It's not a complicated process to see if you qualify. As I said, if you give me your contact information, we can have our clinical director give you a call.
JH: How about I just send you $100, and you send me a sample of the PT-141?
PT: No, it's not allowed. This is not an approved product.
JH: $1000? You've probably got one laying there on your desk. Just drop it in a FedEx envelope.
PT: It's not a money issue. We're a public company, we adhere to all laws and regulations. We cannot do that, sir.
JH: PT-141 is a nasal spray, correct?
PT: That's right.
JH: Do you have plans to introduce it in a liquid that could be mixed into a drink?
PT: No sir. Would you like to leave your name and number so we can get back to you?
JH: Sure. Just one more question: can you OD on this stuff?
PT: No. It will not hurt you.
JH: What if you took the whole thing at once? Man, that would be a fantastic way to go.
PT: We've never had anyone do that. The way we send them out is in single doses.
JH: Okay. $10,544. That's all I have in my savings account. $10,544 for just one tester.
PT: It's not a cash issue. I'm an executive offer of a public company. Just so you're aware, we don't even have access to the drug,
JH: Oh, come on Scott. I'm sure you have a closet full of samples just down the hall.
PT: Absolutely not. It's produced in outside labs, by independent companies and suppliers.
JH: [Sigh] Can I make some myself? I have a chemistry set down in my basement.
PT: Again, we do not create the drug ourselves...
JH: I've got the test tubes and the beakers, I'm ready to go. Just tell me what to mix.
PT: [Trying to hang up] Is there anything else I can do for you?
JH: Do I need flour?
PT: If you'll excuse me, I have a meeting I need to attend to.
JH: Sure. Just one more question: in your tests, you said that one of the side effects for women is "headache."
PT: Yes, it was a very slight percentage, I think on the order of 1-2%. It was not a severe headache, not like a migraine.
JH: Are you sure they weren't just trying to get out of it?
PT: Yes. These were individuals diagnosed with sexual dysfunctions.
JH: I mean, I thought a "headache" is what the drug is supposed to cure, if you get my meaning.
PT: Yes I do, sir. I have a 2:30 meeting, so I'm going to need to go now.
JH: You know, I've been trying all these other aphrodisiacs, and none of them are working very well. I bought this stuff called Athena 10-X. Have you heard of it?
PT: No, I haven't.
JH: I have it sitting on my medicine shelf, and this morning I accidentally thought it was eyedrops, and I put some pheromones in my eye.
PT: It sounds like you'll need to call your doctor about that. I have to go now.
JH: Will my eye get horny, Scott?
PT: Goodbye. [Hangs up]
