It was time to try the granddaddy of aphrodisiacs: SPANISH FLY, a clear liquid made from the dried remains of a bug known as the "blister beetle." The sales pitch on one Spanish fly web site explains that it "irritates the urogenital tract and produces an itching sensation in sensitive membranes, a feeling that allegedly increases a woman's desire for intercourse." Woo-boy! Sign me up for a night of burning noonie!
Even though the Web site assured me that Spanish fly was "completely safe when used as directed," other sites warned that it is "highly toxic, especially when ingested, and poisonous doses can lead to severe illness and even death." So: either it makes you horny, or it kills you. This was enough to make me think twice, but I bravely ordered my Spanish fly, which was shipped from Australia and arrived in an unmarked brown bottle.
But how would I get my wife to try the 'fly? Well, many foods allegedly have aphrodisiac powers: chocolate, anchovies, asparagus, and especially oysters. I decided to fix my wife a meal consisting of every possible turn-on food, and then I would sneak the Spanish fly into the oysters. See? My plan was brilliant. It could not fail. Unless I accidentally killed her.
On Saturday night, I told her I was going to make a special dinner for the two of us. We put the three-year-old to bed, and I prepared this candelight spread, a sumptuous feast for the eyes as well as the genitals:
 Scallops are aphrodisiacs because they are round and fleshy, like breasts or buttocks.  Asparagus is reputed to be an aphrodisiac, because it looks like penises.  If you can find white asparagus at the store, I swear it looks like just you're eating a dildo.  Chili peppers flush the cheeks. They also make men cry, and chicks dig that.  Anchovies, as you may know, have dozens of tiny bones that are impossible to remove. This is an aphrodisiac because it prepares you for a long night of bone-eating.  Oysters are aphrodisiacs, of course, because they resemble a cooleyhopper. I bought half a dozen, and carefully measured out the recommended dosage of Spanish fly on three of them. |
I brought out the foods one at a time, and Jade was delighted ... until she saw the oysters. Then she figured out what was going on. "If you think I'm gonna put that slimy shit in my mouth," she said, smiling, "you're high."
Not amused.
"Oh, come on," I urged her as I sat down. "They're delicious. Put a little cocktail sauce on one," here I showed her the proper technique, "and down the hatch." Then I realized: I had forgotten which oysters had the Spanish fly. I had put the drops on three of the oysters, and now I couldn't remember which ones! This was bad.
Oyster Roulette.
She eyed the oysters warily. "These are fresh?"
"Shucked them myself," I said, though I left out the part about trying to pry open the shells with a screwdriver, accidentally gouging my index finger, bleeding on one of the oysters, and rinsing it off. By now, I had lost track of the bleedy oyster as well.
"Do I chew it?" she asked, tentatively loading one up with horseradish.
"No. Under no circumstances should you chew," I said. "Just hold your breath and swallow."
"This really is like sex," she said, kicking it back. And then I realized why watching a woman eat an oyster is so incredibly sexy: it's the closest most of us will ever get to seeing live lesbian sex.
The meal had its ups and downs. The "up" was felt about ten minutes after the oyster, when someone's erection loudly banged the underside of the table, like the Ghost of Christmas Past. Guessing that I had eaten the Spanish fly, I began to worry about the supposed side effects of coma and death. Then I realized that Spanish fly might be an aphrodisiac simply because you fear that you might soon be dead. You know how people going down in a plane often go down on each other? Same concept. Crashing planes, burning buildings, and enormous meteors hurtling toward the Earth are all aphrodisiacs.
"You should also point out that all these foods are suitable for a low-carb diet," Jade pointed out, helpfully.
We finished up the meal without incident, and then it was time for dessert.
 Chocolate has been considered an aphrodisiac for centuries, and I thought an enormous chocolate rabbit could only help get the point across. Pistachio pudding is not an aphrodisiac, but I thought it would make a nice setting for the sprinkling of green M&Ms, long recognized by teenagers for their magical properties. |
In the end, I don't know if it was the oysters, the Spanish fly, or the threat of me telling millions of readers if I didn't get sex, but I have to say that it worked. The experiment really worked. I gots a little sex, and neither of us, as far as I know, had burning noonie.
