I thought it would be interesting to see how much these collectors would pay for my one-of-a-kind, anatomically correct Ken and Barbie set. I put them up for sale on eBay, where they went for a whopping $250.00. Just after it closed, however, eBay removed the auction. Furious, I sent the following e-mail:
Dear eBay:Once again, I came out triumphant. I sold the dolls at a tidy profit, proving that there was a market for my product. Now there was just one thing left to do: call Mattel and rub their faces in it.
Recently I listed my fully nude Ken and Barbie set on eBay, a pair of plastic dolls with realistic human body parts painted and glued on. I was dismayed to find that you removed my listing, shortly after someone agreed to buy these one-of-a-kind collectibles for $250.00.
You argued that I miscategorized the items. Rather than auctioning them under the Barbie section, you thought they should be listed in the adult section of eBay, along with the porn merchants and smut peddlers. You'll forgive me if I didn't want my handcrafted collectibles listed along with items like "FAT BOOTY EBONY GIRLS DVD," but I saw these dolls as educational tools, like "The Visible Body," which you allow to be sold in the non-pervert area of eBay.
What's wrong with the naked human form? Are you ashamed of your own bodies, eBay? I don't mean to judge, but I think you might have unresolved self-esteem issues. Don't you see that this kind of shame-based thinking is self-perpetuating? By teaching our children that the human body is a dark and forbidden place, we create a future generation of pasty, doughy, uptight eBay moderators who will continue to be threatened by dolls with nipples.
Listen: I went to college with your CEO, Meg Whitman. She and I enjoyed intimate relations for one passionate summer, and I can tell you firsthand that she was not the kind of person who was nervous about displaying her generous assets in public. I still have the photos from the gas station to prove it. Let me tell you: underneath that power suit, she is 100% woman. Possibly 128% nowadays. Ask her if she ever found out where those grapes went.
But I digress. I'm relisting my Ken and Barbie set under the filthy section of eBay, as you've requested. I just urge you to reconsider future auctions of naked dolls. The human body -- even a fake, plastic human body -- is not something to be afraid of. I mean, look at Pam Anderson.
Therapy could be beneficial for you,
John Hargrave
jhargrave @ zug.com
Subject: Re: Response to your email concerning eBay's ended listing policies..
Received: Jun-21-06
From: eBay Customer Support
Hello John,
Thank you for taking the time to write eBay. My name is Jasyn and I'd be glad to assist you.
I carefully reviewed your listing #9533474482 and determined that it was removed in error. To reactivate this auction you may do so via your My eBay link. You will have to re list the item as you would normally with an item that ended without a sale.
You are a valued member of the eBay community and I hope you can forgive us for this mistake. I wish you continued success selling on eBay!
Thank you for your understanding in this matter. I wish you continued success selling on eBay.
Sincerely,
Jasyn
eBay Customer Support