Convinced that Naked Barbie was the key to Mattel's future, I called Neil Friedman to share my success story. It wasn't easy, but I finally got through to his office, where I spoke with his assistant, a nice young woman named Tina.
MATTEL: How can I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: I called a few weeks ago about an idea for a new line of Barbies that are truly anatomically correct. Underneath their clothes, they are painted to look exactly like the human body.
MATTEL: Who did you speak to when you called?
JH: I called the customer support line, and they weren't very receptive to the idea. So I went ahead and made one myself, and good news! I just sold a nude Ken and Barbie set on eBay for $26.00!
MATTEL: OK, um, well, to be honest, what you need to do is talk to our product development team.
JH: Yeah, you guys don't have a product development team listed. You basically have a recorded message that says you don't accept any outside submissions. So I decided to go straight to the top, to Mr. Friedman himself.
MATTEL: What is your name, sir?
JH: My name is John Hargrave. Let me explain the simple economics of this idea.
MATTEL: Well, to be honest John, and not to be short with you...
JH: You are being short with me.
MATTEL: I'm not the right person.
JH: Let me just explain, though, that I bought the dolls for $14.00 RETAIL. I spent approximately two cents on paint, one cent on glue, and 3 cents of Play-Doh to create the realistic scrotum.
MATTEL: John, I apologize, if you can hold one moment...
JH: Here's the story. I've got a supplier. He says he can produce up to 50,000 realistic plastic genitals for the Ken dolls. He's in Shanghai. He can have this ready by next month. He's only going to charge us one cent each wholesale. A unit cost of one cent.
MATTEL: Right.
JH: One cent per unit.
MATTEL: Again John, I'm not the person you need to speak to. I wouldn't be able to do anything for you.
JH: I don't agree with you. I bet you get Neil's coffee. You could slip something in his coffee to make him receptive to the idea, like a drug.
MATTEL: Regardless, Neil is not in the office this week, nor is he here next week. He's traveling.
JH: But you have access to his e-mail. You could maybe plant something in a muffin or a bagel.
MATTEL: [Laughing]
JH: Maybe one of the doll-dongs inside the cream cheese. He bites into it, he says, "What is this?" And you say, "It's a little plastic penis for the naked Ken dolls we're going to start producing."
MATTEL: It's something I could do, but not something I would do.
JH: All right, listen. If you guys pass on this, can I start mass-producing these myself?
MATTEL: Again, I couldn't give you a yes or no on this.
JH: Listen. I've got this guy in Shanghai. He can be ready to start production in just a couple of weeks. He's got a small army of workers. They're very small, if you get my meaning. But kids love dolls, and who better to make the dolls than six- or seven-year-old Chinese boys?
MATTEL: OK John, at this point I'm just not passing the message along, because I don't think you're appropriately speaking to me.
And then she hung up on me.
It's too bad, because my next idea was a Barbie doll that would teach kids about mental retardation. But now I guess I'll have to keep the "Retarbie" idea all to myself.