But we would, at least according to the Breast Gain people. Their Web site lists quote after quote from satisfied breast owners, such as this testimonial from "Emma in Los Angeles":
"I chose Breast Gain and I couldn't be happier. I went from an A to a C in less than six months. I can't believe it!!!!!."Unfortunately, Emma meant her grades, not her cup size. At least, that's what I'm guessing based on her use of punctuation.
At any rate, here's how the four of us look at the end of Week 1:
Name: Christy
Original cup size: A
Christy said that by the second day of taking the pills, "I noticed a slight discomfort in the boob-age area while I was poking them." Two days later, things hadn't improved: "My boobs ache a little if I poke them ... which I seem to be doing a lot when no one's watching." And by Day 6, she was in real pain. "SORE TODAY! Man! They ache!"
I'm no licensed physician, but I'm wondering if part of the soreness is coming from THE INCESSANT POKING. I thought only guys poked at breasts like that, during sex. "Unh. Me likey booby. Unh. Pokey pokey booby." Most men have the finesse of a retarded tuba player.
Name: Jennifer
Original cup size: B
Jennifer was the first to report any noticeable results from the pills, exclaiming by the end of the first week: "No bigger, but a tiny lift!" She explained, "My breast started to fall away from my tattoo after the birth of my son, and eventually my tattoo was no longer on my breast without the help of a bra. But today there is definitely some cushion under the tattoo. Even my husband noticed it."
See, this is why I'm scared to get a tattoo. I have a friend, no joke, who has a tattoo of Popeye on his ass. Now that he's hitting middle age, Popeye is starting to look more and more like Wimpy. Soon Popeye will begin sagging into the Poopeye, if you get my meaning, and may eventually get sucked down the drain altogether. So I'm glad to hear that the pills are giving Jennifer a little lift. I'd hate to see that tattoo ending up in her navel.
Name: Erin
Original cup size: C
Erin, on the other hand, didn't notice any results from Week 1 of the pills, except to say, "Is it me, or are these boosting my sex drive? Can't explain it, but I can't stop thinking about it ... or doing it for that matter. Not that my boyfriend is complaining!"
The Breast Gain pills do contain many ingredients that purportedly increase sex drive, including the herb Dong Quai. The Chinese, who brought Dong to our country, have long claimed that Dong is an aphrodisiac. Once the Dong gets in you, they claim, you start craving more of it. You just can't get enough Dong.
I've always thought Dong Quai sounded like a martial arts routine performed with rubber sex toys. "Dong QUAI!" you would shout, slapping your opponent across the face with a realistic-looking wiener. The only belt in Dong Quai would be flesh-colored. "Look out, she's a flesh belt. Don't make her unleash the Dong."
Name: John
Original cup size: D (for "Dude")
As for me, I don't think the pills did crap. Or more to the point, I don't think I did a crap, for the entire week. I'm more constipated than a pregnant woman on an all-cheese diet. This was probably due to the herb Fenugreek, which the Breast Gain Web site raves about, claiming that it both "relieves diarrhea" and "relieves constipation." Personally, I don't buy this. Either it relieves one or the other. This would be like taking a box of Ex-Lax and a bottle of Kaopectate, and letting them fight it out. Wouldn't you just come out even?
I'm sorry, but the Fenugreek is giving me a Fenugrogan. It's extremely unpleasant. I'm ready to blow a gasket here. It's awful.
So: our first week brought soreness, horniness, and constipation. This is also known as "menopause." But our mission is clear: we will grow boobs, or bust.
