I hadn't taken a formal measurement, but both my wife and my gay hairstylist were pretty certain that I hadn't sprouted my boy boobs, despite the pills. I was still a carpenter's dream: "flat as a board, ne'er hammered nor pounded."

So I went for the man's solution: power tools. "Hey, honey," I asked my wife, "can I use your breast pump?"

"Which one?" she asked without hesitation. "The manual or the electric?"

"Both."

First of all, a breast pump is like a fucking milking machine. You feel like a cow. In my case, a dry cow.

breast enlargement pump


I squeezed one teat with the hand pump, while the automated machine sucked away at the other, like a mewling calf. I briefly wondered how the electric breast pump would feel as a male masturbation device, but then decided I wasn't thirteen anymore. (OK, it felt great. And we're going to have to buy a new pump. This one's covered in marmalade.)

Alas, even after sucking my man-melons with a milking machine, I still remained flatter than the state of Nebraska. But let's see how the girls filled out.



breast enhancement photo
Name: Christy
Starting cup size: 33A
Ending cup size: 35B


Christy's experience can be summed up in her Day 25 update: "I'M A B-CUP! I went to Target to try on bras, and bought a new 34B!! I can't believe this!!!" Soon she was showing off her new breasts to everybody: "I went to a party thrown by a friend of mine who has seen my boobs 'au naturale' before, so I pushed her into the bathroom for her opinion. 'Oh my God, they ARE bigger!' she said. She said she could see the extra roundness around the edges and underneath." Not only is Christy buying another month's supply, but her friend is now ordering a supply as well.

College girls checking out each others' naked boobs at a party. This experiment has turned into a Dutch porno film.



breast enlargement photo
Name: Jennifer
Starting cup size: 33B
Ending cup size: 33B


After a roller-coaster month of side effects, Jennifer ended up essentially the same size. "My breasts are fuller, we've decided, but not bigger. The ridges and 'lift' that I formed in the beginning have started filling in. But I'm still a B-cup." The pills did have one additional side effect for Jennifer: they made her incredibly hot. Check out the photo at right from a recent shoot. Mee-YOW!



breast enhancement picture
Name: Erin
Starting cup size: 32C
Ending cup size: 33D


Erin finished the experiment by proclaiming "My boobs are definitely larger. I wouldn't say there's a whole cup size difference, but maybe half a size. My C bra is just barely fitting. I could probably go up to a D and be OK. Wow. D cup. Nice. Not bad, considering I'm only 103 pounds." That means Erin's body weight is now, like, 18% boob.

On the other hand, "Having two periods in one month pretty much sucks ... especially when these things seemed to heighten my sex drive. It's like giving a blind man a Ferrari to drive."



breast enlargement picture
Name: John
Starting cup size: 34A (for "Dude")
Ending cup size: 34A



So: do breast enhancement pills work? Everyone's outcome was different. Two of us got bigger busts, two of us didn't. We went tit for tat on the results.

The surefire way to feel good about your breasts, of course, is by improving your self-esteem. But that often requires costly therapy and time-consuming self-reflection, and who's got the patience for that? Sure, the breast enhancement pills may give you constipation and irregular periods, but some say that's a small price for large hoo-hoos.

Worst case, the pills don't work and you're out 50 bucks. Best case: your cups runneth over.

And if they do, please be sure to send pictures.


If you enjoyed The Breast Enhancement Prank, you might also enjoy The Penis Prank, in which John tries to increase his Johnson.