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A recent study showed that 100% of women are unhappy with the size of their breasts. Unfortunately, it was my study, and it consisted only of asking my wife, but the point is: breast enhancement is big business. I know this for a fact, because I'm constantly receiving e-mails promising me "fuller, rounder breasts in just 30 days." Even though I could get fuller, rounder breasts just by drinking a lot of bacon milkshakes, I started to wonder about these all-natural breast pills. Do they really fill out your breasts in 30 days? And more importantly, could I think up enough breast jokes to fill out 30 days? I didn't know if I could, ah, milk the concept that long, but I was ready to try.
My first step was to find some volunteers. I asked my wife, but she only likes street drugs manufactured in the pressure-cooker environment of impending law enforcement crackdowns. So I had to put out "breast requests" on both Craigslist and our ZUG message board. I explained that the women partaking in this historic experiment would need to be prepared for massive breast gains, possibly going from an A cup to a ZZ cup, which is where your boobs grow really long beards and twirl a guitar.
I received dozens of responses from women who were eager to try the breast enlargement supplements. Some were unhappy with the size or shape of their breasts, some were merely curious, and some, I found out later, were actually pre-op transexuals. NEVER TRUST ANYONE NAMED CHRIS.
After subjecting applicants to exhaustive questionnaires ("Are you willing to be photographed in your underwear?"), I narrowed down my selections to three outstanding women, chosen for their courage, intelligence, and differing bra sizes. These women would take all-natural breast enhancement supplements for the next 30 days, then report on the results.
Because I thought our test should have a "control," I also decided to take the supplements myself. I thought a male test subject would, ah, round out the tests. So without any further ado, please meet our four test subjects:
Name: Christy
Cup size: A
Name: Jennifer
Cup size: B
Name: Erin
Cup size: C
Name: John (a.k.a. "Man-Hoe")
Cup size: D, for "Dude"
Christy is a college student who said she is taking the supplements "for the pursuit of pure scientific truth," as well as "the pursuit of cleavage." Jennifer is a U.S. Army soldier who said she wants "bigger breasts, like every other woman in America under a C cup!" And Erin is a Research Associate who warned, "If this stuff works, I'm in trouble. I'm a petite girl, and may look a bit 'out of balance,' so to speak." (For exactly what she means by "out of balance," see Figure B.)
As for myself, I'm just hoping I don't grow man-teats. I've got enough problems with my body already.
