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| by John Hargrave |
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Evildoer #3: Cingular Wireless
Seeing he was going to get no help from management, CellBoy finally entered a local Cingular retailer, armed with a bag of props in order to hold an impromptu safety demonstration with the customers themselves. The store manager ignored CellBoy at first. That was his crucial mistake. CellBoy: Greetings, citizens! May I ask who is the manager of this establishment? Store manager: [From behind the counter] Hey, I'm with a customer. CellBoy: That is coincidental. For my name is CellBoy, and I have come to give your customers a safety demonstration. Store manager: [Ignores CellBoy] CellBoy: Very well. [Addressing customers] I am here to encourage all of you to practice cellphone safety after you leave the store today. You, ma'am, are you a safe driver? Customer #1: Yeah. CellBoy: And you, sir, do you talk on your phone while driving? Customer #2: Shut up, retard. CellBoy: I'll take that as a yes. And that is unsafe, sir, because here's what could happen. [Whips out cellphone] You're driving down the road. You're talking on a cellphone. You're like, "Hey, I love you," and she's all, "I love you too," and then you're like, "but why are you cheating on me," and she's like, "I'm not, no way," and then you're all, "What do you mean, I fart in my sleep," and she's all like, "It's totally gross," and then ... Store manager: Please leave the store, sir. Customer #2: Get out of here, loser. CellBoy: ... before you know it, you're SCREAMING at each other and you DON'T NOTICE THE BIKER because YOU'RE TALKING ON YOUR CELLPHONE but suddenly there's a BUMP [CellBoy falls on floor, pulling a full-size bicycle wheel from underneath his cape, bouncing it madly] and now there's a WHEEL on your chest and [CellBoy produces a bike helmet] a BIKE HELMET and then you look down and [CellBoy produces a fake severed hand] a SEVERED HAND IS IN YOUR LAP! All because you refused to purchase a HANDS-FREE HANDSET because the CELLPHONE COMPANIES WOULDN'T GIVE YOU ONE FOR FREE! Store manager: Linda, call the police. Customer #2: I don't know what kind of performance art piece you think you're pulling here, but why don't you LEAVE the STORE! CellBoy: No problem. I'm very good at picking up on non-verbal cues. Store manager: [Begins herding CellBoy toward the exit] CellBoy: And so, dear citizens, as I leave you today, please remember to pull your car over to the side of the road before answering or dialing your cellphone. Don't get involved in any intense conversations while driving. And please, for the love of God, don't ride a skateboard with no hands. Take care, and God bless. I am CellBoy. There was a smattering of applause as CellBoy left the store, though whether for the performance or the leaving, we'll never know. |