Scamming the Colon Cleansing Scammers
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Trying to Return Their Crappy Products
Dozens, if not millions, of people have been taken in by these so-called "colon cleansing scams," where you're offered a "free trial" of a colon cleansing supplement, only to find your credit card being charged $80 each month. After reading tons of consumer complaints on sites like Complaints Board and Ripoff Report, I felt it was time for action.
These colon cleansing people needed to be pranked.
After ordering three samples from three suspicious companies, I sat back and waited.
And waited.
Part of the deal, I soon realized, is that these guys are in no hurry. If you have 15 days for the "free trial," then ideally they can get the product to you on Day 14, just as you're drifting off to sleep.
Here were the actual delivery times, from the time I placed the order:
ColoCure: 5 days
Ultimate Colon Cleanse: 8 days
Power Colon Cleanse: 10 days
The worst-performing was Power Colon Cleanse, with a ridiculous 10-day delivery time. That leaves you only five days to evaluate the product -- and if you're the kind of person who needs a colon cleanser, that's not even a single bowel movement.
Oh, I'd like to cleanse my colon on someone, all right.
Even worse, they didn't send me the goddamn product I ordered. Colon Cleanse Elite? What the hell is that? If I order a Coke, I want a Coke, not a glass of warm saliva!
The best-performing was ColoCure, with a 5-day delivery time, and they threw in a complimentary package of Tri-Slim to boot! Whatever that is!
I will donate it to hungry children.
I threw the crap capsules in the closet, since I wasn't going to use them: I just wanted to see who was going to dump on me. So just before my trial period expired, I called up all three companies and asked to cancel my "free trial."
RETURN TEST #1: COLOTHIN
"If you want, I can extend your trial period for another 10 days," said John, the helpful customer service rep.
"Interesting offer," I mused, "but I'd like to cancel now."
"All right," he said, but I knew from his tone it wasn't really all right. "Are you sure you want to cancel?"
"My colon and I are both sure."
"Instead of paying the original price, I'll give you a huge discount of half price. $44.28 per month."
"Wow, this offer keeps getting better," I said. "Would you throw in some kind of car wax?"
"I'm sorry, sir?" English was not John's first language. It may not have been his fifth language.
"You know, Turtle Wax?" I asked. "Or generic wax. I'm easy."
"I apologize, but we do not have that kind of product."
"Damn. Well, I'll have to cancel then."
John finally relented and gave me my cancellation code. He let me keep the ColoThin, and the Tri-Slim. Although he was persistent, I managed to escape. ColoThin had been ColoThwarted.
RETURN TEST #2: ULTIMATE COLON CLEANSE
These guys don't make it easy to call; they want you to submit your cancellation request via e-mail. To their credit, I got a response within hours:
From: Organica Research Support
To: jhargrave@zug.com
Subject: Re: How do I cancel my 30-day trial?
Thanks for your email.
I'm very sorry that our product didn't meet your needs.
OK, here's what we can do. We have a special program this month for our loyal customers.
You have 2 choices, you can return the merchandise for a refund, which can take up to 30 days to process and is subject to our return policy, or you can keep the merchandise, saving you the time returning it, maybe give the bottle to a friend, and get a 50% refund of the total transaction today.
Which would you prefer? Return it and wait up to 30 days or get 50% back today and be done?
Sincerely,
Christiana
____________________________________________________
Customer Delight Manager
Organica Research - Better Health, Naturally!
http://www.OrganicaResearch.com/
What annoyed me about this response, besides someone calling themselves a "Customer Delight Manager," was that it contradicted the claim on their homepage:
They promised I could "simply notify" them, and I will "owe nothing." Nowhere does it say my refund taking 30 days to process, being subject to a return policy, or someone calling themselves a "Customer Delight Manager" when they're not even authorized to give backrubs.
I JUST WANT A REFUND!
From: Sir John Hargrave
To: 'Organica Research Support'
Subject: RE: How do I cancel my 30-day trial?
Christiana:
I would rather return the bottle today. I have decided I would rather not clean my colon after all. It's like cleaning the garage: it's just going to get dirty again, so why bother?
John Hargrave
jhargrave@zug.com
She relented, sending me return instructions, but I still felt angry. Eight days to get the pills, a cumbersome return process, and I never received my gift certificate. "Customer Delight," indeed.
RETURN TEST #3: POWER COLON CLEANSE
I spoke with a woman named Ron. She assured me that was short for Ronnie, not a sex change operation in progress.
Unlike the other crap companies, there was no hard sell: she just cancelled my account. "Your account has been successfully forwarded for a cancellation request," she said.
"What does that mean?" I clarified.
"You will receive a confirmation email in the next two business days as proof that you have cancelled your account," she said.
This sounded fishy. "Can you assure me that my credit card is not going to be charged?"
"Yes," she said. "But monitor your e-mail account for the confirmation message."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because that's your proof!"
"What about talking to you right now, and recording this?" I asked. "That's proof, right?"
There was a very long pause.
"Sir, we are the customer service department," she snipped. "I have forwarded your request to the Refund Department Team. They will send you a confirmation e-mail. Are we all set?"
"Can I call the Refund Department Team directly?" I asked.
"They don't have direct numbers," she huffed. "If you do see a charge on your credit card, all you have to do is call us back."
"Oh, I will."
I hung up the phone, thinking, I'm pretty sure there is no Refund Department Team. I mean, seriously. That sounds like a name she made up on the spot. But at least it wasn't "Customer Delight Manager."
One of these companies would try to screw me over. And I would be ready.
Next: Mailing Them a Bag of Poop! >>
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