The Smelly Revenge

My poo-ckage was shipped across the country, eventually arriving at the offices of the colon cleansing scammers. SUCCESS!

Here's the FedEx confirmation page, along with signature confirmation on the dookie delivery:

When W MEANS opened the package, here's my cover letter:

It was a satisfying ending (so to speak) for my journey, but I couldn't let it end there. I had to call up and talk to W MEANS herself.

JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I recently returned my product, along with a sample of my dog's stool.

COLON CLEANSING COMPANY: [Angrily] Why did you do that?

JH: Did you receive it?

CCC: Yes.

JH: Great. Well, I was hoping you could test his stool for toxins, or parasites. I want to know if he needs a colon cleaning.

CCC: Sir, maybe you have the wrong company. That is not what we do. We sell product, and we shit product out. We don't test any stool samples, whether it's human or animals.

JH: This is really disappointing. That stool had sentimental value. It was his first poop after he learned to use the toilet.

CCC: [Pause]

JH: He stood up, wiped, and begged for a treat. It was amazing.

CCC: Your dog uses the toilet.

JH: Yes, he's very smart. A German Shepherd/Chihuahua mix.

CCC: Um, is there anything I can help you with, sir?

JH: Yeah, you can reimburse me for his stool!

CCC: It's possible that it could have gotten thrown out.

JH: WHAT?!

CCC: Why would you send that in the mail anyway?

JH: WHY WOULD YOU THROW IT AWAY!?

CCC: Why would you send that in the mail anyway?

JH: Because I wanted to have it tested! YOU GUYS ARE THE POO PEOPLE! You're KIDDING me! You threw it away?!

CCC: Sir, this is a ridiculous call. Thank you for calling, and have a great day.

JH: This is not ridiculous! This is serious poo business!

CCC: [Click]

Well, I hope the colon cleaners learned their lesson. And for the rest of us, the lesson is simple: there's no such thing as a free colon cleaning.

Even if you're a dog.