EXPERIMENT #2: RED BULL COLONIC
The famous energy drink comes in 250 ml cans, but I had a 2 quart enema bag. This required some complicated metric-to-English conversion. After a while, I gave up trying to figure the math, and just poured in six cans.
I called my mother on her cellphone to confirm that she was far away from home, with no chance of interrupting my experiment this time. Then I dropped my pants, and assumed the position: lying on my side in the tub, knees slightly drawn, door firmly locked.
I was curious what six cans of Red Bull would do to me, especially when absorbed through the colon. I lubed up, inserted the tube, and started the flow. There was a cool, filling sensation as Red Bull flowed from the red bag to my red butt.
"Vitalizes body and mind."
But does it vitalize the colon?
I got about half the bag in me -- or three cans -- before my intestines began to protest, letting out creaky gurgles that sounded like a percolating coffee pot. This made sense, since I probably still had a few cups of coffee up there.
I held onto the Red Bull for another five minutes, until I couldn't take it anymore. I climbed onto the toilet and expelled a river of Red Bull. Strangely, being in my colon actually improved the smell of the beverage. No joke. They should market this scent as "Red Bullshit."
In case you're curious what it sounds like to blow three cans of Red Bull out of your ass, I made a colon cleansing recording [MP3 format].
Ten minutes later, my hands were shaking uncontrollably, I was extremely jittery, and my head was buzzing. Red Bull has never done much for me, but apparently I just needed to ingest it through my rectum. I'd like to officially proclaim the Red Bull Colonic a success: my colon feels incredibly vitalized. Huzzah!
I do not think my final experiment will be this much fun, however.
