I had spent the last few days squirting Starbucks in my sphincter, and Red Bull in my rectum. Supposedly these natural colon cleansing programs help your organs release toxins, but all I had released so far was several pounds of poo.

Now it was time for my final colonic experiment. ZUG user FM 5-19 suggested pumping Milwaukee's Best into my manhole, which made me laugh. But when I went to the liquor store, I couldn't find MB, so I had to buy the cheapest, shittiest beer I could find.


EXPERIMENT #3: SCHLITZ COLONIC

Okay, it wasn't the cheapest. That's Natural Lite. But Schlitz was the second-cheapest, and the name is much funnier. Tip for marketing folks: your product should not rhyme with the word "shitz." Especially if it's a food or beverage.



Once I got home, I was able to fit three cans of Schlitz into the enema bag, which was now beginning to smell like a garbage scow.



Schlitz claims to be "The Beer That Made Milwaukee Famous." Funny, I always thought that was Old Milwaukee. You know, the beer with Milwaukee in the name.



The beer formed quite a head, and I had to wait for it to die down before I could continue pouring. Helpful tip: always pour into the side of the enema bag, which reduces the froth.

WARNING: PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM GIVING THEMSELVES ALCOHOLIC ENEMAS. These people were idiots who pumped their dumpers with hard liquor, more than they would ever ingest orally. Use common sense. With my experiment, my colon would be drinking a maximum of three Schlitzes, something I could normally do before breakfast.



Half-naked, I climbed into the tub, inserted the nozzle, and turned on the butt spigot. Unfortunately, I was only able to get in half a can before my anus began foaming angrily. Dripping beer from my butt, I quickly sat on the toilet, spewing out a geyser of beer and surprised feces.

Then I began farting uncontrollably. The beer seemed to have some chemical reaction with the inside of my colon, and the result was loud, almost majestic, trumpeting farts. (I've heard of beer farts, but this is ridiculous.)

I stood up and looked down to survey the damage. The inside of the toilet was covered in Schlitz.

It took me half an hour to clean up the bathroom, but damned if I didn't have a buzz. My colon got drunk off half a beer! What a lightweight!

Later that evening, my mom came home and asked me why the bathroom smelled like beer. I pretended to take a whiff, and told her I thought it smelled like peanuts.

In conclusion, here's a quick colonic reference guide:

Liquid	Effects
Water	No buzz
Coffee	Mild buzz
Red Bull	Wicked buzz
Beer	Extreme buzz, if you can handle froth exploding out your ass

If you enjoyed The Colon Cleansing Experiment, you may also like The Colon Cleansing Prank, in which our reporter gets a professional colonic from a large-breasted woman.