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The hardest part about these pranks is finding the person responsible for the madness. Who came up with Citi IdentityMonitor in the first place? The buck has to stop somewhere. After exhaustive research (15 minutes), I decided the buck should stop with this woman, Lisa Caputo, who is the "Chief Marketing, Advertising and Community Relations Officer, Global Consumer Group, Citigroup." (Apparently she gets paid by the word.)  IdentityMonitor may not have been Lisa's idea, but she has the authority to kill the program, and fire everyone responsible. Trust me, I've got an MBA. I know how this shit works. Getting through to Lisa was not easy. She was once Press Secretary to Hillary Clinton, and is a regular contributor to O, which is either Oprah Magazine, or Orgasm Quarterly. I get those two mixed up. She's also the CEO of Women and Company, which means that her response to this prank reflects on businesswomen everywhere. No pressure or anything. I tried calling Lisa, but I was stopped at the gates by low-level Citigroup operators. They were no match for my pranking powers, and I eventually got through to Lisa's assistant, who I was able to trick into giving me Lisa's address. The idea was to send a message to her office that would actually get opened and read: I would send Lisa an urgent telegram.  Who the hell sends telegrams nowadays? Not even Western Union, which discontinued them years ago. You now have to go through obscure European companies, who will HAND-DELIVER YOUR URGENT MESSAGE WITHIN 24 HOURS STOP SURELY CITI WOULD NOTICE MY IDENTITY THEFT NOW STOP PLEASE LISA CAPUTO MAKE THE MADNESS STOP STOP All I wanted was some token gesture, however small, to show that Citi cared about credit card identity theft. Like, I don't know, laying off the entire division responsible for this worthless identity theft service. That gesture never came. So it was time to confront Citi directly. |
