This is my actual signature, not the scratchings of a mentally ill hawk.

It all came down to this: what was the most ostentatious, ridiculous purchase I could make on a credit card? What single item could I charge that would surely make them check my signature?

I briefly considered an expensive diamond necklace from Tiffany's, or a case of Beluga caviar. Then I remembered that it was Super Bowl weekend. And who doesn't want the most expensive TV that money can buy? Especially when you're not buying it with money?


THE EXPERIMENT

I went to my local Best Buy -- which, as we all know, does not usually have the best buy. Unless you're buying it for free, which is what I planned to do.



I strode confidently into the TV section, took a picture, and walked up to the clerk. "I'd like your most expensive TV," I proclaimed.

He gave me a stare. "You want plasma, LCD...?"

"Whatever's most expensive," I said.

We looked around for a while until we found the Sharp 45" Flat Panel LCD HDTV, which was on sale for $7599. "I'll take it," I said quickly.

"You have HD?" he asked.

"I've got HD and ADD."

"Let me see if it's in stock," he said, looking at the computer. I snapped a photo of the price tag as he typed. "Sorry, it's on back order."



This was a problem. "Let's try the second-most expensive, then," I suggested. Again we walked through the aisles, retrieved the appropriate price tag, only to find the TV was on back order. We did this several times, until we were down in the $2,000 range. And frankly, if I'm buying a $2,000 TV, I might as well buy a freaking newspaper.



"How much for that TV on the wall?" I asked, pointing up to the enormous 16-panel display that covered the entire back wall of the store. I said it as a joke, but the Best Buy boy took me up on it.

"Ah ... it's about $300,000."

"I'll take it," I said without hesitation.

"I, uh, I have to get a manager for this," he said.

"Of course you do."

The manager came out -- a pudgy guy in his late 40's -- and tried to figure out if I was serious. I assured him that I was not only ready to buy the enormous wall unit, but that I needed it ASAP. He told me that it was a special order from China, and it would take several months to be delivered.

"So I guess I won't have it up and running for tomorrow's game?" I asked.

"Definitely not."

I sighed dramatically. "Who knew it was so difficult to buy a TV?" I said.

"Well, we have many other high-end models..."

"So does Circuit City," I said. "And many of theirs are actually in stock."

Next: you have to give Circuit City credit! >>