 I waited a month, and guess what? Nothing happened. There was no huge opportunity, no golden egg, and nothing fell in my lap (except a cup of coffee as I was driving out of a Dunkin Donuts parking lot). In fact, it was a pretty crappy month. So I did the only logical thing: I called the restaurant to make them pay.
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I got some Chinese takeout from your place a few weeks ago, and you gave me a fortune cookie that said "A golden egg of opportunity will fall in your lap this month." That never happened.
CHINESE RESTAURANT: [laughs] So, ah, what do you mean?
JH: I mean it didn't come true and I'm wondering if you can do something about that.
CR: [chuckling] I don't know -- you know, you want to talk to the manager?
JH: Yes please.
CR: One second.
[After a lengthy pause, I am connected with a middle-aged Asian woman.]
CR: Hello?
JH: Hi, I got a fortune cookie from your restaurant a few weeks ago that said "A golden egg of opportunity will fall in your lap this month." That never happened.
CR: Because ... I don't know, we buy it from the company, the whole package, we don't know what's on the inside.
JH: Sure, but your restaurant gave me the cookie.
CR: You know, we bought it from the whole case. We don't know what is in it.
JH: I'm wondering if you can give me some free food or something. I'm pretty upset about this.
CR: Can't help you. You need to talk with the owner. You can talk to him on Sunday, his name's Raymond.
JH: Does everyone love Raymond?
CR: Yeah, everyone love him, and he help you.
JH: I mean, the fortune explicitly promised a golden egg of opportunity, and overall it was really a bad month for me.
CR: I have no idea -- we buy the whole package from the company, we buy the case, you know? We buy it from Chinatown.
JH: Can you give me the name of the company? Should I sue them instead?
CR: I have no idea, you need to talk to Raymond. That's why you call him Sunday, OK? [Tries to hang up.]
JH: I just can't believe you guys would give out such an irresponsible fortune. Your moo goo gai pan is good, but your prophecies are terrible.
CR: It just a fortune. It has no meaning. Just give people, end of dinner, you taste a little sweet, you know? Don't listen, there's no meaning there.
JH: Then why do you call them FORTUNE cookies?
CR: Yeah, but that just a Chinese name. Like lobster sauce, there's no lobster.
JH: WHAT?! No lobster in lobster sauce?
CR: Excuse me, I can't explain how to...
JH: What's in the sweet and sour chicken? Pork?!
CR: I can't help you, the only one you want to know, you want to talk to him, he works on Sunday.
JH: Why don't you call it lobster-free sauce?
CR: He's on vacation, OK? I tell you he coming back tomorrow.
JH: Could I just get ... [here I almost lose it and have to take a breath] ... could you just give me one of everything on the menu?
CR: I can't do that, I'm not the boss. You need to talk with Raymond.
JH: I have eight kids, and I'm just wondering if I could bring them all in for a free meal or two.
CR: You have eight kid? I'm not sure. We just work here. OK?
JH: I still can't get over that thing you told me about the lobster sauce.
CR: You call back, OK?
JH: All right, I'll call back on Sunday.
CR: OK, bye.
Next: Talking with the owner!
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