As Raymond suggested, I next called the Better Business Bureau to try to put an end to the madness. What follows is a transcript of my call with the polite young lady at the Bureau of Better Business.

BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU: How can I help you?

JOHN HARGRAVE: Hey, I was eating some takeout from a Chinese restaurant a few weeks ago, and I got a fortune cookie that read, "A golden egg of opportunity will fall in your lap this month." That never happened. I'd like to file a formal complaint.

BBB: [Stifled laughter] Ah, I'm afraid that's a complaint that we would not handle.

JH: Why not?

BBB: Well, I think your complaint would actually be against the company that made the fortune cookies. You'd need to track them down, and then I could put you in touch with the bureau that handles that district. But in all honesty, I don't think you'd have much of a claim against them.

JH: Why not? Don't you think there should be some kind of regulation on these people?

BBB: Well, we don't regulate businesses. We're not a legal or government agency. We deal with ethical business, like if a company promises a product or service, and then doesn't deliver, that's the kind of thing we'd be able to help you with.

JH: The fortune cookie promised me a golden egg of opportunity!

BBB: I can give you the number for the ... [here she loses it a little bit and starts to laugh] ... uh, the Massachusetts Office of Consumer Affairs.

JH: Is this funny?

BBB: I'm sorry. I have a cough. I'm trying not to cough. [Coughs for effect]

JH: I mean, don't you guys have regulations on fortune tellers?

BBB: Well, I'm not sure. I could look that up. I think there might be regulations for hypnotists.

JH: Hypnotists are good people.

BBB: I'm sorry?

JH: I'm just saying. Don't compare hypnotists to these fortune cookie idiots.

BBB: Okay.

JH: How about those psychic hotline people? Are they regulated?

BBB: Well, generally they will tell you it's for entertainment purposes only.

JH: But the fortune cookie didn't say that! It said I would receive a golden egg of opportunity in one month. And you know what? It was a pretty lousy month. My aunt got cancer.

BBB: [Long pause] I'm sorry, but honestly, there's nothing we can do. If you'd like me to give you the number for the Office of Consumer Affairs, I can do that. They might be able to help you.

JH: Never mind, I'll look them up. But you know this is just going to mean more yellow tape, and meanwhile those fortune cookie writers are running amok, making promises they have no intentions of keeping. It's criminal. I'm really disappointed in you, triple-B.

BBB: I'm sorry to hear that.

JH: Yeah, well, thanks. Goodbye.

Clearly I wasn't getting anywhere. It was time to go straight to the source.

Next: Calling the fortune cookie company!